Shelli's Room

Because He First Loved Us

2012-01-22T22:22:00.000-08:00

Being a mommy to two little girls has changed so many things. I think differently. I read differently. I even speak differently, desperate to show them a feminine example they can follow. That being the case, I was reading my scriptures the other day, thinking - as is my new habit - of how I'd teach what I was reading to little girls. I don't remember the passage I read, but it occurred to me that we obey the Lord out of love but that some people might not consider love for Him a natural thing. Why should we love Him? Why do so many love Him?

My mind did a small accounting of my moments with Him that have brought me to fall in love with Him again and again. Could a non-believer discredit those moments and attribute them to my own imagination and desire to create illusions for myself? Of course they could. And might someone also look at their life of trial and feel bitter or resentful toward the God who supposedly caused or allowed all those challenges? Absolutely.

So, I was searching for a doctrine to teach the love of God, and love for God, outside of mortality. We don't remember Him, so it's difficult to initiate a loving relationship with a being we can't see or hear. But we did know Him before we came. And this is the doctrine I'll teach my girls. Whatever trial we might be facing, whatever hardship we might be enduring, we can - if we desire - feel the truth in the teaching that we lived with Him before we came to this earth ... that we already have a relationship with Him.

It was His love for us, before we came to Earth, that made us love Him so dearly. It was His love for us that created a world wherein we might learn to be like Him. And it was our love for Him that made us so anxious to come here, so anxious to receive bodies and experience the joys and sorrows of a mortal life. It was His love for us that provided a Savior, His beloved Son, who endured the agony of the Atonement that we might all return home to Father better than we were when we left Him. And it was our love for Him that gave us the courage to exercise the faith to come here, trusting Jesus' word that He would do what He promised, that we could really become godly through His sacrifice.

The love I want my girls to remember is the love we had with our Father (and Mother) in Heaven before we came to earth. I'm confident they will have experiences here in mortality, as I've had, that give them new reasons to love Him. But if they are so deeply buried in trials and tribulations that they cannot feel His love for them, as I've been, or they struggle to find their faith in Him, as I've done, maybe it will be helpful to remember why we came to earth to begin with: we loved Him too much to remain unlike Him. Earth life was our chance to become like He is, and we could not resist it. We held our moral agency in one hand, and our love for Him in the other, and joyfully accepted the challange and opportunity of mortality.

I hope my girls feel the truth in the doctrine of our pre-mortal life. It is such a blessing to know why we're here. Yes, we're here to get a body, and be tested, and all those other things we hear and say in Sunday School. But ultimately we're here because He first loved us.

Thought While Cleaning

2011-09-12T13:51:00.000-07:00

Why do bugs die on their backs? I always find little critters in corners and windowsills on their backs with their legs all scrunched up.

It just seems a little dramatic to me.

Simple Touch

2011-09-10T04:38:00.000-07:00

I've always loved the story in the New Testament of the woman with the issue of blood. I love her for her twelve years of lonely solitude, being unclean and unable to participate in her society as a "normal" female would. I love her for her humble yearning, that she would not be like some who brazenly ask Jesus for a blessing, but rather hope that there might be such reserves of overflowing power in His person that her unobtrusive touch would go unnoticed by Him and still change her life completely. I love her for her faith. And for her courage when she tells Him all, not knowing how He might respond. Powerful people are not always kind.

But as I sat tonight reading my book on my bed, tearful because of my own heart circumstances and the trials that come simply from being mortal in a fallen world, my mind caught hold of her in a different light than before.

I was berating myself, as is my ignorant and misguided way, for being seemingly incapable of the kind of goodness I aspire to. I want to be like God. Holy. Patient. Loving. Perfect. I wanted to delve into my scriptures for hours, and pray with unwavering faith, and serve my family with endless selflessness. But I am incapable of those things right now. And I was feeling the consequence must be a life and heart with dim light. A little heaven but mostly heathen. A little faith but mostly fear. Not the life I'd hoped to be leading when my 28th birthday was a few days away. Twenty-eight years ... surely enough time for more than I've become.

Then the thought of this unnamed New Testament heroine entered my mind with the thought, "Touching the Master's robe was a small and simple thing." Then a flood of the simple efforts I make to come close to Him passed through my mind. Little things that I criticized myself over because they weren't bigger and grander came into my mind as praise from heaven. Perhaps the unnamed woman could have made more effort ... maybe she even considered herself lazy or cowardly. But she touched His robe and it was enough.

It's 4am right now and I'm not writing clearly, but I'm feeling clearly. And I'm feeling that the Lord is more grateful for the faith behind even small effort than I'd realized. He is always better than I realize. I feel He spends His energy praising the faith I have rather than criticizing the faith I have yet to develop.

It reminds me of putting curtains up in Chiara's room last week. I asked her to go get me a chair from the kitchen because my hands were full and if I moved I'd lose the place on the wall I'd measured for the curtain rod. As I heard her coming back with the chair my heart melted. It was so much harder for her than it would have been for me to go get it myself and remeasure the wall. As I watched her struggle to shimmy the chair across the carpet, carrying it for short spurts then needing to put it down again, I was so pleased with her. And grateful. Because she was doing it for me. Because I'd asked her to. And I loved her for it. Not because she did it perfectly, because she didn't, but because of her effort.

"What a good girl." I thought.

And right now I feel willing to hope and even believe that my Father in Heaven looks at me the same way.

Night #1 Without Eldon ...

2011-06-26T06:17:00.000-07:00

One night down, 30ish to go.

Actually, it was nice because I kept the curtains open for light, and he hates that ... so we always close them. I, on the other hand, love waking up to daylight. Waking up to darkness makes me more tired.

He called me from LA yesterday after finding his ghetto apartment in that ghetto part of town. Wow. At least he has a bed ... we weren't sure there'd be any furniture. He'd taken an entire suitcase of bedding, a pot and pan, and a pillow, just in case it was completely empty. Also, his roommate is a guy, so that's more good news. For a little while we weren't sure he would be.

I sure miss him already. He's my favorite friend, and it's lonely without him here. I cried all the way back from the airport yesterday morning, then every time anyone asked me if he was gone. I blame pregnancy hormones for the tears ... though the thought of being without him for SO long is rather heartbreaking to me. Chiara was confused when he wasn't home this morning when she woke up. Poor thing. She loves her daddy.

That's why we're going to visit my family in Utah and California. So we don't have to be alone.

My Chair Just Broke

2011-06-21T15:01:00.000-07:00

Literally. I was sitting here in my computer chair that Eldon lovingly brought home from some foreclosed house where he'd found it, when there was a strange snapping noise and the sound of crashing. And my rear end sunk probably two inches.

Not the best way to start my day.

In fact, I've lost all trace of what it was I was going to write about.

I'm a little cranky, truth be told. I'm cranky because it's hot, and I'm not thin, and I'm still nauseous, and I don't sleep well at night because of this nausea, and my child is in a fit-throwing phase (please, Lord, let it be a phase), and my house isn't clean, and I have to clean it, and Eldon's leaving in five days and I'll be alone for a month, and we're moving soon, and I'm running out of ideas to make creative meals with the food we're trying to use up before we go, and ... well, the list goes on and on.

But that's not what I was going to talk about when I pulled up my little blog. It's just that my chair broke and suddenly my patience snapped in half. It's lovely.

So I'll just document a sweet mommy moment I had just a few minutes ago and end this fine post. :) I heard Chiara wake up from her nap. It was the sound of her yelling, "Baba!!!" from her bed, which meant she woke up dying of thirst. So I rushed in, told her I'd bring a sippy cup of water, and hurried to get it for her.

When I came back, sippy cup in hand, I stroked her face while she guzzled almost the whole cup in one go. I kissed her little wrists and squeezed her little feet and smiled looking at her eyebrows - furrowed in concentration as she drank. I just love her. That's all. I love this little human being who is so separate from me and yet somehow all of me. I just want to be a good mommy. That's all.

I'm not so cranky anymore.

Eldon On My Mind

2011-06-19T19:42:00.000-07:00

I am so grateful I married this man. I was a nervous wreck before our wedding ... oh my goodness. I just took marriage so seriously and eternity is such a long time and I was so comfortable being single and so scared to trust anyone else's agency ... It was a stressful time. My hair went straight, for goodness' sake, which just shows how much my body was being affected by my heart and mind going crazy. :)

But I married him, and he is my favorite blessing. He is the most darling daddy, which I had believed he would be. And he takes such care to learn how to be the best husband for me. He caters his love and attention to what I like best, and I love him for it. He is the best risk I ever took.

Adam & Eve: Marriage and Godhood

2011-06-16T15:27:00.000-07:00

I'm reading this fantastic book by E. Douglas Clark and it seems like every page brings some kind of personal "ah ha" moment. I just need to list a few here:

Brother Clark writes of the majesty of marriage, and the many evidences we have that God is indeed married, and further, could not have become God without His other female half.

A quote from Elder Erastus Snow: "Deity consists of man and woman. How do you know? I only repeat what he says of himself; that he created man in the image of God, male and female created he them ... There can be no God except he is composed of the man and the woman united, and there is not in all the eternities that exist, nor ever will be, a God in any other way."

This sheds new light for me on the importance of marriage and the sanctity of unity between us. Eldon is my other half, the missing element of my own godhood. Man was not meant to be alone, and it is my belief that we cannot fulfill the measure of our creation alone. We need a companion. We are allowed to select those companions and then we make covenants to remain with each other. Always.

There were so many times early in our marriage when divorce seemed the only possible hope for happiness. We were miserable together. But we honored the eternal nature of our covenants and worked for unity. Now, I have tears in my eyes as I type this because the Lord has honored our devotion and blessed us with a unity and an elated and joyful kind of love I had never even imagined. Satan attacks our marriages because he knows that we cannot reach our highest aspirations of becoming like God if we destroy them.

(Yes, sometimes divorce is needful. But hardly ever, in my opinion. Selfishness is not a good enough reason to break covenants. I understand the desire to repent of your marriage choice ... But it is a faithless desire. Our Father in Heaven, the supreme Creator, will create a way for us all to have fulfilling marriages. I don't intend to sound harsh or unfeeling ... It's just a very sensitive topic for me and I have an almost frantic urgency about it. I don't want everyone to struggle as I did in my marriage, but I do believe if God would help me He will help others too. My marital happiness is the grandest miracle of my life. It occurs to me that if one of the 5,000 were in the presence of someone who was starving, they might point their friend in the direction of He who once filled their own empty belly with His loving power. This is the testimony in me of marriage.)

One other thought before I get Chiara from her nap. This is entirely my own thought, and rather unfounded as I can see for myself all the holes in the logic. But as I read Brother Clark's research about the command God gave to Adam and Eve not to partake of the fruit, he mentioned the pronoun "thou" is singular. He suggested that perhaps the Father was speaking to Adam specifically, and then quoted some ideas of others. What struck me as a lovely little thought was this: What if God were saying, "Don't make the decision to partake of the fruit alone. Don't choose mortality alone."? I can argue against myself too, so don't be alarmed. I don't consider this to be some grand revelation. :) But it touched me to think that God would want Adam and Eve to remain together. "Thou mayest choose for thyself" the Lord says, but in His heart I think He hoped they would choose for and with each other. That's all.

Filling My Box

2011-06-13T20:26:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about hobbies. Recently I've been very sensitive about how I spend my time. I've decided that scrapbooking is just not worth it to me anymore. I love making things with my hands and being creative, but it's such a messy activity, with so little progress (each page takes so long), that I've given it up.

What can I be excited about? I have people in my life who I admire because they have things they are passionate about. Photography. Sewing. Interior design. Cooking. Adoption. Church callings. I don't really have anything like that. I like a lot of things ... Reading. Writing. Women in scripture. Health. Poetry. Decorating. Blogging. :)

There's a part in the movie Eat Pray Love where Liz discovers Delia has a box of baby things. It was her little obsession, while she waited for the right time to have a child. Liz admits she has a similar box full of national geographic articles and the Times travel section ... a box full of places she wants to see before she dies.

So I've been wondering if I had a box what I'd fill it with. What matters to me?

Scripture Study -- It matters to me that I'm familiar with the canon. I want words and phrases and doctrines to be ingrained in my mind and heart so I can teach my children easily.

People & Cultures -- I almost double majored in Sociocultural Anthropology at BYU. I love to learn about other countries, what life is like for the people who live there. I should care more about politics, but I don't understand most of it and what I do understand frustrates me. It's not a battle I've selected to wage war over. But I think it's important to learn about all God's children; what they believe and what they live for.

Biography -- I really love biographies. I read all about people I admire, people I've never heard of, people I think are the polar opposites of me ... It's always an enlightening experience for me to watch someone's journey of choices. I enjoy seeing them go from point A to point B, learning and growing and becoming along the way. That's fascinating to me.

Writing -- For my entire remembered life I have been drawn to words. I had a pseudo typewriter when I was little and I'd copy my favorite books, typing the pages word for word. I have a memory of my mom telling me I should write stories that haven't been written already ... but somehow the passion is made soggy in fear. Not fully drowned, but at least desperately water-logged.

Nature -- I love documentaries about plant and animal life. It's a perfect medium for me because I hate dirt so much. :) I could fill a box with cool parallels of light and living that are found in nature. No, I couldn't. I just made myself laugh out loud. To be passionate about that I'd have to go out in it ... Non mi piace.

~~Nature~~

Is it weird that I don't feel like I have anything box-worthy? Maybe my scripture study and all the talks I've collected and the books I've read are kind of an intangible box for me. It's really the only thing I can think of that I care so much about. I'd just love to have a passion ...

Eldon knows a lot about health and the body and I'm so attracted to that characteristic of his. What do I know, though? Sometimes I feel like I only ever cook and clean and help my child survive from one day to the next.

Something has to change in my life. I need a spark. I'm going to pick one.

Elizabeth Gilbert

2011-06-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

I love her. It's kind of hilarious because we probably don't agree on a single political or moral issue, but I adore her. She has such fascinating ideas and the way she articulates herself makes me want to worship at her feet like a crazed idolater. I found her speech on ted.com about nurturing creativity and found my heart melting inside myself as she vocalized so many thoughts I've only ever glimpsed in my own thinking. That she saw them long enough and clearly enough for me to recognize them is a truly remarkable thing to me.

The link to watch her presentation is here:

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html

Also, I should mention that Eat Pray Love is on my top three favorite books list. Yes, it's full of profanity and a few lewd conversations, which are usually repulsive to me. But I'm so moved by it, I'm so changed by it, that I am forced to give credit where it's due and say the book is truly remarkable.

Can I make an argument against myself and quote Michael Ballam who suggests that Satan uses the best talent on the planet to distract us from that which is holy and light? Yes. Can I argue that if I wouldn't want my young children to read it I probably should not read it myself? Yes. Can I argue that my whole previous paragraph was the most difficult aspect of my undergraduate degree, as I studied books written beautifully about filth and realized the "classics" were almost as foreign to me as they ever were? Yes.

So I'm torn. Maybe this is a moment where I'm a little blinded. But then there is another part of me that yearns to see the good in that which I don't or can't fully condone. Surely it's a Godly attribute to love the wonder in people while acknowledging the weakness. We cannot love in pieces. We cannot shun everything and everyone outside our intimate sphere of belief, can we? Should we?

At present, my heart's decision is to add Liz's name to my list of women I admire. I'd love to meet her and sip sparkling cider as she sips her wine while we chat about the things we both think. Maybe at some future point my heart will choose differently. But that's probably one of the best parts of journaling ...Seeing our own journey in print.