I'm a violin

I've been reading this great talk by Sandra Rogers entitled Rise to the Divinity Within You and I felt something about the Atonement I haven't felt so clearly before. He knows what it feels like for me to sleep-deprived, overburdened and depressed. He knows how it feel for me to feel disappointed in myself and like I'm regressing in my spirituality. His experiences weren't general, they were personal. He's not comparing me to others' situations because He doesn't have to. He knows me. Shelli. Wife and mother and self. And I love Him for it. I love Him for taking that depth of suffering into his heart so He could understand me when I cry to Him. He felt what it was like to have my imperfect heart in His perfect chest for a moment in time, and nto only does He love me anyway, but He forgives me for my weakness. He knows how hard self-pity tugs at my mind, how covetousness seeps into my heart, how self-loathing soils my idle hands.

Sister Rogers compares us all to violins. That is to say, we are all violins but we don't all make the same kind of music. I want to place myself whole-heartedly in the Master's hands and let His will sound in my every thought and deed. I want His melodies to resonate in my life and fill the lives of those I love with joy. I want to be a light like He is. I want to love like He does. I want to want what He wants. And I feel closer to that reality with the realization that He knows exactly how it feels to be me. He knows how heavy the burden feels on my back, and how hard it is not to cry. He will help me. I know it. He will give me a new heart.

Daughter of the Forest, Juliet Marillier

This is my favorite book of all time, I think. There's a little bit of nasty stuff in it, but  I love it for the love between Sorcha and her six brothers, the capacity of men for true gentleness and also rage, the truth about the frailty of quick judgment, the beauty of nature, and a dozen other things. Sorcha is one of the strongest women characters I've ever read. Her depth of compassion, humility, and insight astounds me each time I read this book. She is fictional - so hypothetical - evidence that women can be strong and gentle, firm and kind, capable and tender. I love her. I want to be like her. I wish she were real so I could be her best friend. Every now and then there's a book you read that makes you ache with a longing you can't quite put your finger on. This book is that way for me. I want to lose myself for a while in faery tales and mossy trees. I want to write fiction and poetry and just sit silently for a long, long time. It makes me want to pray and to ponder, to serve and to become someone truly great. Sorcha reached her potential within her beliefs that I want to reach within mine.

Lemon Tart, Josi Kilpack

What a darling book this was. I read it for a book club and loved it. The mystery genre had never especially interested me, but this makes me think I might like it if I tried a few more.

The main character was a sweet lady with a lot of endearing spunk. She spied on her neighbors all the time and was a therapeudic baker of goodies. :) The best part of the book, though, was the recipes. The lemon tart recipe has become Eldon's and my favorite dessert!

I'd let my children read this book. There is adultery in it, but it is not the least bit graphic and certainly paints it in a terrible light, so I don't think it's dangerous.

Eldon's Promise

For Eldon's birthday I gave him an intangible gift of self. I promised him I would not eat sugar or go a day without exercising for an entire year ... so until his 25th birthday. It was meant to be a gift of a healthy, and hopefully more beautiful wife. I so want to be thin and delicate for him.

Anyway, I'm going to keep a weekly log on here. So every Monday I will weigh in, and every first Monday of the month I will take a picture of myself in the same outfit. Another hope is that I can get super healthy so  when we have another baby -- hopefully soon -- I'll be more prepared for her.

Health is so important. I want our children to grow up with strong testimonies of the sanctity of their little bodies and good, healthy habits. It's a legacy I want desperately to pass on. I want family activities to include outdoor sports with fruits and vegetables for snacks. So a year of detox will be great for me, I think. I could tell it meant a lot to Eldon that I would do this. It was his favorite gift.

Something I want to do. Soon.

There are few instincts more natural than the body in full motion as it races across a field or through the trees.

Neal Bascomb, The Perfect Mile

Body For Life

I've made small progress with the goal I set on my birthday. I've lost a few pounds, but it's been almost two months ... I could have done more with this time.

So, I'm reading Body for Life. He's challenging me, and I want to say yes. Yes to living, yes to health, and yes to feeling good about myselff again. One mother's testimonial said she felt that because she felt better about herself after getting healthy, her kids felt better about themselve too. I don't want to pass on a legacy of self-doubt and insecurity. By the time Chiara has memories, I need them to be filled with a healthy mommy.

Yes. My answer is yes.

Here are his questions and my answers:

Have you made the decision to change? Yes.

What are your reasons for making the decision to change? My self and my family. I want to have a healthy body and a matching spirit. I want Eldon to have a beautiful wife. I want Chiara (and future children) to have a confident mommy. It's not as much about looking beautiful, as it is about carving out a beautiful, disciplined character. That will be so attractive to Eldon. It will make such a positive difference to me in all aspects of my life - especially spiritual and mental. I'll be able to trust myself again. That's what I want.

What are the five most important, specific accomplishments you need to make within the next 12 weeks, for you to be pleased with the progress of your body and life?

1. I need to be able to say I gave it 100% every day of every week - 12 times.
2. I need to lose 20 pounds of fat.
3. I need to run two miles without stopping.
4. I need to fit into smaller clothing.
5. I need to be proud of myself.

What three patterns of action might prevent you from reaching your goals?

1. I will stop blaming my job for my failures.
2. I will stop eating foods that are bad for me.
3. I will stop staying indoors all day.

Which three new patterns do you need to establish to reach your goals?

1. I will start going to the gym Monday through Saturday.
2. I will take Chiara outside when weather is good.
3. I will keep good, healthy foods on hand.