Thought While Cleaning

Why do bugs die on their backs? I always find little critters in corners and windowsills on their backs with their legs all scrunched up.

It just seems a little dramatic to me.

Simple Touch

I've always loved the story in the New Testament of the woman with the issue of blood. I love her for her twelve years of lonely solitude, being unclean and unable to participate in her society as a "normal" female would. I love her for her humble yearning, that she would not be like some who brazenly ask Jesus for a blessing, but rather hope that there might be such reserves of overflowing power in His person that her unobtrusive touch would go unnoticed by Him and still change her life completely. I love her for her faith. And for her courage when she tells Him all, not knowing how He might respond. Powerful people are not always kind.

But as I sat tonight reading my book on my bed, tearful because of my own heart circumstances and the trials that come simply from being mortal in a fallen world, my mind caught hold of her in a different light than before.

I was berating myself, as is my ignorant and misguided way, for being seemingly incapable of the kind of goodness I aspire to. I want to be like God. Holy. Patient. Loving. Perfect. I wanted to delve into my scriptures for hours, and pray with unwavering faith, and serve my family with endless selflessness. But I am incapable of those things right now. And I was feeling the consequence must be a life and heart with dim light. A little heaven but mostly heathen. A little faith but mostly fear. Not the life I'd hoped to be leading when my 28th birthday was a few days away. Twenty-eight years ... surely enough time for more than I've become.

Then the thought of this unnamed New Testament heroine entered my mind with the thought, "Touching the Master's robe was a small and simple thing." Then a flood of the simple efforts I make to come close to Him passed through my mind. Little things that I criticized myself over because they weren't bigger and grander came into my mind as praise from heaven. Perhaps the unnamed woman could have made more effort ... maybe she even considered herself lazy or cowardly. But she touched His robe and it was enough.

It's 4am right now and I'm not writing clearly, but I'm feeling clearly. And I'm feeling that the Lord is more grateful for the faith behind even small effort than I'd realized. He is always better than I realize. I feel He spends His energy praising the faith I have rather than criticizing the faith I have yet to develop.

It reminds me of putting curtains up in Chiara's room last week. I asked her to go get me a chair from the kitchen because my hands were full and if I moved I'd lose the place on the wall I'd measured for the curtain rod. As I heard her coming back with the chair my heart melted. It was so much harder for her than it would have been for me to go get it myself and remeasure the wall. As I watched her struggle to shimmy the chair across the carpet, carrying it for short spurts then needing to put it down again, I was so pleased with her. And grateful. Because she was doing it for me. Because I'd asked her to. And I loved her for it. Not because she did it perfectly, because she didn't, but because of her effort.

"What a good girl." I thought.

And right now I feel willing to hope and even believe that my Father in Heaven looks at me the same way.

Night #1 Without Eldon ...

One night down, 30ish to go.

Actually, it was nice because I kept the curtains open for light, and he hates that ... so we always close them. I, on the other hand, love waking up to daylight. Waking up to darkness makes me more tired.

He called me from LA yesterday after finding his ghetto apartment in that ghetto part of town. Wow. At least he has a bed ... we weren't sure there'd be any furniture. He'd taken an entire suitcase of bedding, a pot and pan, and a pillow, just in case it was completely empty. Also, his roommate is a guy, so that's more good news. For a little while we weren't sure he would be.

I sure miss him already. He's my favorite friend, and it's lonely without him here. I cried all the way back from the airport yesterday morning, then every time anyone asked me if he was gone. I blame pregnancy hormones for the tears ... though the thought of being without him for SO long is rather heartbreaking to me. Chiara was confused when he wasn't home this morning when she woke up. Poor thing. She loves her daddy.

That's why we're going to visit my family in Utah and California. So we don't have to be alone.

Entwined: Didn't Capture Me

I was unimpressed. It's a fun story, and I've always like the fairytale of the sisters who dance in the night on the other side of magic. Dixon knows a lot about dance, and that was interesting ... all the dance moves and toe swooshing and curtsies. I liked imagining it all. But honestly, I don't know what the big fuss was about, or why I was number bazillion on the waiting list at the library.

My problem was that it was so predictable. I love stories that keep me guessing, which doesn't make sense, I suppose, since I read so many favorites over and over with equal delight each time. I knew who Azalea was going to fall in love with, I knew the silver mystery item that would conquer the evil, I knew who Keeper was ... Maybe I just have to remember the target audience and give Dixon more credit. But to the credit of teenagers, I bet they figured it out too.

The element I did enjoy was becoming smitten with Azalea's love interest. I adored him from the first scene. And it's always fun and tingly to fall in love with a fictional character who can never disappoint you in real life. :) I'm glad there wasn't a surprise where she rejected him, because I so dislike when girls reject the good guys in books. So I'll give Dixon that.

All in all, I'd say it's a two-star read for me. I'd never read it again, and probably never recommend it. It entertained me for a few hours, but many many other books would have too. Did anyone else manage to get a hold of a copy and read it? Don't judge me too harshly if you really loved the book. :)

My Chair Just Broke

Literally. I was sitting here in my computer chair that Eldon lovingly brought home from some foreclosed house where he'd found it, when there was a strange snapping noise and the sound of crashing. And my rear end sunk probably two inches.

Not the best way to start my day.

In fact, I've lost all trace of what it was I was going to write about.

I'm a little cranky, truth be told. I'm cranky because it's hot, and I'm not thin, and I'm still nauseous, and I don't sleep well at night because of this nausea, and my child is in a fit-throwing phase (please, Lord, let it be a phase), and my house isn't clean, and I have to clean it, and Eldon's leaving in five days and I'll be alone for a month, and we're moving soon, and I'm running out of ideas to make creative meals with the food we're trying to use up before we go, and ... well, the list goes on and on.

But that's not what I was going to talk about when I pulled up my little blog. It's just that my chair broke and suddenly my patience snapped in half. It's lovely.

So I'll just document a sweet mommy moment I had just a few minutes ago and end this fine post. :) I heard Chiara wake up from her nap. It was the sound of her yelling, "Baba!!!" from her bed, which meant she woke up dying of thirst. So I rushed in, told her I'd bring a sippy cup of water, and hurried to get it for her.

When I came back, sippy cup in hand, I stroked her face while she guzzled almost the whole cup in one go. I kissed her little wrists and squeezed her little feet and smiled looking at her eyebrows - furrowed in concentration as she drank. I just love her. That's all. I love this little human being who is so separate from me and yet somehow all of me. I just want to be a good mommy. That's all.

I'm not so cranky anymore.

Eldon On My Mind

I am so grateful I married this man. I was a nervous wreck before our wedding ... oh my goodness. I just took marriage so seriously and eternity is such a long time and I was so comfortable being single and so scared to trust anyone else's agency ... It was a stressful time. My hair went straight, for goodness' sake, which just shows how much my body was being affected by my heart and mind going crazy. :)

But I married him, and he is my favorite blessing. He is the most darling daddy, which I had believed he would be. And he takes such care to learn how to be the best husband for me. He caters his love and attention to what I like best, and I love him for it. He is the best risk I ever took.

Recent Reads ...

A Quiet Heart, Patricia T. Holland
FOUR stars

This was such a sweet exploration of womanhood and becoming the highest and best version of ourselves. I loved how Sister Holland expressed her ideas ... there was very little I hadn't heard before, but it was the way she said it that touched me. Her thoughts on parenting were especially poignant. The idea that children are so pure that they know when their parents are treating them unfairly struck me. It would indeed make it hard to judge right from wrong after seeing parents behave in ways they shouldn't. Anyway, it was a great read. One I plan to read again soon.

Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert
FIVE stars

This is the ... millionth? time I've read this book. I've listened to it on CD, I've read it until it was so battered and bruised I needed to buy a second copy. I love this book. I resonate with so much of it that it's literally a kind of addiction. I love to watch the movie, I love to watch Liz on any talk show or conference where she shares her thoughts ... I just really admire her. We're nothing alike, which is why it may seem admittedly odd that I love her so much. I just think she's good and smart. Her writing style is totally unique and insightful and I read everything with her name on it. Period.

Unbearable Lightness, Portia De Rossi
THREE stars

I admire strength. Portia went through a lot of difficult things and found her way into being a happy, healthy woman. I appreciate how honest she is in her portrayal of the eating disorder that ravished her life for so many years. So many girls suffer from unhealthy body image and life-threatening addictions. Although I don't agree with her lifestyle or a lot of her opinions, I think she is a remarkable woman. I even checked out Arrested Development after I read the book just to see her as an actress. :) I like her. And I'm glad she's happy.

Sing You Home, Jodi Picoult
THREE stars

Picoult sure picks the very most controversial of topics for her books. Eldon teased me that I was reading a lot of lesbian books ( I was also reading Truth and Beauty by Ann Patchett, but stopped because I didn't like it). This story is about a women who falls in love with a woman after a nasty divorce from her husband, with whom she had struggled for 10 years with infertility and the loss of several pregnancies, including one stillborn son. Devastating. She and her new wife want custody of the frozen embryos from her previous marriage, and her ex-husband disagrees on religious grounds. Picoult does a decent job of presenting each side equally, with warts and all, but I found myself resenting the way some Christians decide to manifest their beliefs. I'm sure that was her point. I was ashamed that people who claim to follow Christ would treat others in such an un-Christlike manner. But she's right. Too many of us do that. Anyway, well-written. She does SO much research for her novels. I enjoyed it. I like to think, and this book certainly made me think.

Adam & Eve: Marriage and Godhood

I'm reading this fantastic book by E. Douglas Clark and it seems like every page brings some kind of personal "ah ha" moment. I just need to list a few here:

Brother Clark writes of the majesty of marriage, and the many evidences we have that God is indeed married, and further, could not have become God without His other female half.

A quote from Elder Erastus Snow: "Deity consists of man and woman. How do you know? I only repeat what he says of himself; that he created man in the image of God, male and female created he them ... There can be no God except he is composed of the man and the woman united, and there is not in all the eternities that exist, nor ever will be, a God in any other way."


This sheds new light for me on the importance of marriage and the sanctity of unity between us. Eldon is my other half, the missing element of my own godhood. Man was not meant to be alone, and it is my belief that we cannot fulfill the measure of our creation alone. We need a companion. We are allowed to select those companions and then we make covenants to remain with each other. Always.


There were so many times early in our marriage when divorce seemed the only possible hope for happiness. We were miserable together. But we honored the eternal nature of our covenants and worked for unity. Now, I have tears in my eyes as I type this because the Lord has honored our devotion and blessed us with a unity and an elated and joyful kind of love I had never even imagined. Satan attacks our marriages because he knows that we cannot reach our highest aspirations of becoming like God if we destroy them. 


(Yes, sometimes divorce is needful. But hardly ever, in my opinion. Selfishness is not a good enough reason to break covenants. I understand the desire to repent of your marriage choice ... But it is a faithless desire. Our Father in Heaven, the supreme Creator, will create a way for us all to have fulfilling marriages. I don't intend to sound harsh or unfeeling ... It's just a very sensitive topic for me and I have an almost frantic urgency about it. I don't want everyone to struggle as I did in my marriage, but I do believe if God would help me He will help others too. My marital happiness is the grandest miracle of my life. It occurs to me that if one of the 5,000 were in the presence of someone who was starving, they might point their friend in the direction of He who once filled their own empty belly with His loving power. This is the testimony in me of marriage.)


One other thought before I get Chiara from her nap. This is entirely my own thought, and rather unfounded as I can see for myself all the holes in the logic. But as I read Brother Clark's research about the command God gave to Adam and Eve not to partake of the fruit, he mentioned the pronoun "thou" is singular. He suggested that perhaps the Father was speaking to Adam specifically, and then quoted some ideas of others. What struck me as a lovely little thought was this: What if God were saying, "Don't make the decision to partake of the fruit alone. Don't choose mortality alone."? I can argue against myself too, so don't be alarmed. I don't consider this to be some grand revelation. :) But it touched me to think that God would want Adam and Eve to remain together. "Thou mayest choose for thyself" the Lord says, but in His heart I think He hoped they would choose for and with each other. That's all. 

Filling My Box

I've been thinking about hobbies. Recently I've been very sensitive about how I spend my time. I've decided that scrapbooking is just not worth it to me anymore. I love making things with my hands and being creative, but it's such a messy activity, with so little progress (each page takes so long), that I've given it up.

What can I be excited about? I have people in my life who I admire because they have things they are passionate about. Photography. Sewing. Interior design. Cooking. Adoption. Church callings. I don't really have anything like that. I like a lot of things ... Reading. Writing. Women in scripture. Health. Poetry. Decorating. Blogging. :)

There's a part in the movie Eat Pray Love where Liz discovers Delia has a box of baby things. It was her little obsession, while she waited for the right time to have a child. Liz admits she has a similar box full of national geographic articles and the Times travel section ... a box full of places she wants to see before she dies.

So I've been wondering if I had a box what I'd fill it with. What matters to me?

Scripture Study -- It matters to me that I'm familiar with the canon. I want words and phrases and doctrines to be ingrained in my mind and heart so I can teach my children easily.

People & Cultures -- I almost double majored in Sociocultural Anthropology at BYU. I love to learn about other countries, what life is like for the people who live there. I should care more about politics, but I don't understand most of it and what I do understand frustrates me. It's not a battle I've selected to wage war over. But I think it's important to learn about all God's children; what they believe and what they live for.

Biography -- I really love biographies. I read all about people I admire, people I've never heard of, people I think are the polar opposites of me ... It's always an enlightening experience for me to watch someone's journey of choices. I enjoy seeing them go from point A to point B, learning and growing and becoming along the way. That's fascinating to me.

Writing -- For my entire remembered life I have been drawn to words. I had a pseudo typewriter when I was little and I'd copy my favorite books, typing the pages word for word. I have a memory of my mom telling me I should write stories that haven't been written already ... but somehow the passion is made soggy in fear. Not fully drowned, but at least desperately water-logged.

Nature -- I love documentaries about plant and animal life. It's a perfect medium for me because I hate dirt so much. :) I could fill a box with cool parallels of light and living that are found in nature. No, I couldn't. I just made myself laugh out loud. To be passionate about that I'd have to go out in it ... Non mi piace.

Nature

Is it weird that I don't feel like I have anything box-worthy? Maybe my scripture study and all the talks I've collected and the books I've read are kind of an intangible box for me. It's really the only thing I can think of that I care so much about. I'd just love to have a passion ...

Eldon knows a lot about health and the body and I'm so attracted to that characteristic of his. What do I know, though? Sometimes I feel like I only ever cook and clean and help my child survive from one day to the next.

Something has to change in my life. I need a spark. I'm going to pick one.

Elizabeth Gilbert

I love her. It's kind of hilarious because we probably don't agree on a single political or moral issue, but I adore her. She has such fascinating ideas and the way she articulates herself makes me want to worship at her feet like a crazed idolater. I found her speech on ted.com about nurturing creativity and found my heart melting inside myself as she vocalized so many thoughts I've only ever glimpsed in my own thinking. That she saw them long enough and clearly enough for me to recognize them is a truly remarkable thing to me.

The link to watch her presentation is here:

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html

Also, I should mention that Eat Pray Love is on my top three favorite books list. Yes, it's full of profanity and a few lewd conversations, which are usually repulsive to me. But I'm so moved by it, I'm so changed by it, that I am forced to give credit where it's due and say the book is truly remarkable.

Can I make an argument against myself and quote Michael Ballam who suggests that Satan uses the best talent on the planet to distract us from that which is holy and light? Yes. Can I argue that if I wouldn't want my young children to read it I probably should not read it myself? Yes. Can I argue that my whole previous paragraph was the most difficult aspect of my undergraduate degree, as I studied books written beautifully about filth and realized the "classics" were almost as foreign to me as they ever were? Yes.

So I'm torn. Maybe this is a moment where I'm a little blinded. But then there is another part of me that yearns to see the good in that which I don't or can't fully condone. Surely it's a Godly attribute to love the wonder in people while acknowledging the weakness. We cannot love in pieces. We cannot shun everything and everyone outside our intimate sphere of belief, can we? Should we?

At present, my heart's decision is to add Liz's name to my list of women I admire. I'd love to meet her and sip sparkling cider as she sips her wine while we chat about the things we both think. Maybe at some future point my heart will choose differently. But that's probably one of the best parts of journaling ...Seeing our own journey in print.

Entwined, by Heather Dixon

I wanted to read something light this time, since Tess was such a huge downer for me. I heard about this book on Goodreads, and since I love YA fiction and I love fairy tale stories I'm hopeful that I'll enjoy it. Here's the synopsis:

Azalea is trapped. Just when she should feel that everything is before her . . . beautiful gowns, dashing suitors, balls filled with dancing . . . it's taken away. All of it.

The Keeper understands. He's trapped, too, held for centuries within the walls of the palace. And so he extends an invitation.

Every night, Azalea and her eleven sisters may step through the enchanted passage in their room to dance in his silver forest.

But there is a cost.

The Keeper likes to keep things.

Azalea may not realize how tangled she is in his web until it is too late.

Let's start talking about it on June 21st. I hope we like it!

Speaking of clergy ...

The question about clergy is my favorite. Or, at least, the one I feel most strongly about. I cannot tolerate the kind of "religion" or "devotion" that causes one person to shun another. Especially another in need. There is nothing Christlike or godly about refusing to help someone.

I remember once in high school a friend of mine mentioned they couldn't believe I was friends with them.

"What do you mean?" I asked her.

"Well, you know ________ ? She would never even talk to me. I figured since you're Mormon too you'd ignore me like she does. But you and I are actually friends."

This made me so mad. I still haven't forgiven that other Mormon girl for being so self-righteous that she made girls like my friend feel like they were beneath her. Whenever I see her that's all I can think about ... the fact that in the name of religion (or said differently, for the sake of Christ?) she shunned someone whose behavior she judged to be unworthy of even polite attention. I should get over it, since it's been over a decade, huh? :)

But who did Jesus spend His time with when He was here? He hung out with sinners! "The whole need not a physician ..." Right? The New Testament is full of His conversations and interactions with prostitutes, social rejects, adulterers, liars, and thieves. It isn't to say He condoned their choices. Obviously He didn't. But  He didn't add His own rejection to their list of misfortunes. He still offered a hand of loving kindness.

That's the biggest thing that bothered me while reading Tess. I felt like Hardy was screaming at the clergy for being hypocritical and missing the whole point of Christianity. The first priest who wouldn't allow Tess' illegitimate child a Christian burial, even after saying her makeshift baptism would be  acceptable in the sight of God. A funeral, however, would not be acceptable in the eyes of the community and was therefore impossible. Clearly Hardy had an opinion about whose opinion mattered most to that Priest. It wasn't God's.

The part of the book that made me cry, though, was when Tess was rejected by her pious love because of her past. I wanted to shake that kid and ask him if he had any idea what the Atonement even is. When we don't allow people to repent, when we treat them as if they are the same sinner they were when they made their mistakes, it's as if we're saying we have no faith in Christ's power to heal and cleanse sins. If someone is penitent, truly trying to get their life back in harmony with God's will, they deserve nothing less than love and support from those who claim to love God. Tess was betrayed for religion's sake, and that makes me sick.

Some of the worst things people do are for religion's sake ... And all I can think is that Heavenly Father watches us and weeps over our lack of understanding. I judge too harshly and expect too much of people in my own life. But I'm learning just how wrong that really is, and it comforts me that God doesn't do those things. Because I'm often the one in need of His understanding and mercy. I think Hardy saw that in people.

my thoughts on Tess

First off, I watched a version of this novel on Masterpiece Classics before I even read the book. I think it was the A&E version? Not sure.  But it was depressing. And kind of graphic. My husband thought I was watching filth. :) I can't blame him when my synopsis of the movie went something like "Well, it's about this girl who gets raped, is cast out by the man she loves, becomes the mistress and subsequent murderer of her rapist, and is eventually hung for her crime." Awful! I have no idea what made me want to read the book after watching the movie (which I did not enjoy at all!).  But I did read the book, and surprisingly I really enjoyed it! I felt like the book was much more a social commentary rather than the graphic soap opera that TV had made it out to be. :)

That being said, I think Alec is an absolute villain.  Perhaps Tess was overly trusting and slightly willfully naive.  But Alec preyed on her and her weaknesses and her disadvantages; there is no excuse for his disgusting behavior. Scum.

Back to Tess. I thought she was sweet, innocent, kind, hard-working, trusting and loving. She had so many good qualities and I kept hoping that some day I will be as patient and long-suffering as she was.  However, Tess was also weak, naive, and easily-manipulated (by Alec, her parents, Angel...).  I wanted to shake some spine into her.  She was definitely strong when it came to self-preservation.  She worked by the sweat of her brow to stay alive.  But she was so very weak when it came to men.  But  I think a lot of her weaknesses were born from the time period- I think in a lot of ways Tess was a helpless victim of her own society.  I definitely feel Hardy was expressing disappointment in the social principles that dominated the time period.  The differences in chastity and purity between men and women of the age was complete hypocrisy.  Angel, knowing what he was doing, spent several nights in debauchery and expected full forgiveness.  Tess, who was forcibly assaulted, was unforgiveable.  It makes me sick.  Thankfully Angel came to his senses but, in the spirit of a true tragedy, it was too late.  Still, it made me so angry that Tess was cast out and reviled for an event which was not in her control while men who willingly participated got a free pass.  I definitely feel that Hardy pointed a finger at the unfairness of it all, at the unbalance and inequality between men and women.  Especially when it comes to the consequences each of them faced for their actions.  I found it really annoying that Alec got to claim repentance and walk around as a traveling "clergyman" preaching the gospel. Gag.  And Tess hangs.

Anyway, I'm interested to know what your thoughts are too!

Physical Spirituality

I think there is a defined correlation between spirituality and the manner with which we treat the tabernacles of our spirits. My spirit is sensitive. In my deepest moments of calm I can almost feel myself breathing against my body, fluttering within my own humanness.

Who is that woman? Who is the woman who fought for the Plan of Salvation before she came to Earth? Who is the woman who made covenants and promises and learned so many things a mortal could not learn? I know her. I am her. And I'm learning to take care of her.

Today I am a mommy. Twice. I'm feeding Chiara red peppers and homemade hummus. She loves it. "More dip? Please?" she calls to me, and I'm at the kitchen table, sewing a car seat cover. I'm eating an apple and taking vitamins with three glasses of water. I'm feeling good and clean.

Sometimes I feel another presence inside me, impatient and sarcastic and selfish. I remind myself that she is not me, that she has no place with me, and I do not let her dictate my behavior.

I am me. I am the queen of my body. I am my spirit. And I will stand between myself and any threat to my peace and holiness. It protects me, and makes me fit to protect my children.

Tess ... Let's talk about her.

This book was not what I expected ... I'm eager to hear what you girls have to say about it.

1. What do you think of Tess' character? Is she a helpless victim? When is she strong and when is she weak?

2. Do you think Hardy was expressing disappointment in the social principles that dominated during this time period? What were his social criticisms?

3. Thoughts on Alec? Is he a villain? Does he love Tess?

4. Thoughts on clergy? (this topic made me the most angry while I was reading)

5. Have you seen any of the movies? Which ones did you like/dislike?

One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp

I'm in awe.

This is one of the best books I've ever read. Ann is articulate and poetic and observant and real. The bible is imprinted in her heart, and she quotes from it effortlessly. She is a superb example to me of a good Christian woman trying to live a life pleasing to her God. She mentions attending a nondenominational church, so I don't know if she identifies herself with any specific religion ... but I think she's incredible.

A friend of mine sent me this link to watch her discuss her book for an online book club. I love that a simple farmer's wife (though not as simple as she claims) can be such a force for good in so many lives. She lives and breathes devotion.

I think this "book" review has become more of a person review. The book is full of insight into becoming grateful enough to come joyfully close to God. It's about the power of gratitude to open a life and open a heart to powerful potential and capacity. And it's so beautifully written.

5 stars, would recommend to anyone, will read again and again

The Three Weissmans of Westport, Cathleen Schine

I enjoyed this book. It's silly and kind of pointless, but I was in the mood for fiction, trapped in a basement apartment with a sick child during a trip to Provo. I read it for the Jane Austen-ness of it. I read that it's meant to be a tribute to Sense and Sensibility ... and it was fun for me to read in that sense.

Lots of language and adultery and other things I don't appreciate, so I'd never recommend it to a friend. But I kept reading, wanting the Elinor character to find happiness, wanting Marianne to find comfort after her Willoughby character jilted her and took off to be the homosexual doctor in the cast of a famous soap opera.

The only element of the book that brought me any kind of pensive reflection was Mr. Weissman. Unlike Mr. Dashwood, Mr. Weissman chose to leave. But Schine portrays him as regretful, dissatisfied with his choice and sentimental over all he has lost. It made me think of my own life and the choices I make ... It's so ridiculous when pride keeps us from admitting our errors and we sentence ourselves to a lifetime of rejecting what we want over a moment of blindness when we didn't realize we wanted it so much. Terrible grammar. You know what I mean. I think. :)

Worth reading? Not really. Two stars.

Blown Away By The Screwtape Letters -- Mary

Hi Girls,

Thanks for giving me the opportunity and experience to read the Screwtape Letters, as it is one I had planned to read for a long time. I had even started it once a few years ago, but never finished. I apologize for how long it is taking me to read. This is one of those books in which almost every sentence is so profound that I have to go back and read it and process. What that your guys' experience or am I just majorly OCD?

#1 One of the main things this book had me thinking about is how much it applies to my life, and if I had my own personal “Wormwood” how much of my everyday erroneous thinking comes from sources outside of myself, by “beings” that have studied up on me and know my weaknesses and the triggers to my negative behaviors. Do I believe in demons? Absolutely. Not necessarily in the traditional pitch-fork-holding, little devil on your shoulder sense of the word, but I think when we accept that Satan is real (and there is more than enough evidence in the world to support that) we also have to accept that there are followers of his that seek to do his work on earth, and those and some of there most productive work, I’m sure, is what they do to us on an individual basis.
At the same time I don’t think we should believe too much in demons, if that makes any sense, at least not to the extent that we are absolving ourselves from personal responsibility (i.e. the “devil made me do it” syndrome). God gave us agency, and as mortals we have to accept that thoughts and behaviors are ultimately our own, whether we have a tempter’s influence or not. Maybe these “demons” only know how to take us to the edge, be we push ourselves over. Their influence only goes so far, as Screwtape points out to Wormwood so often in the text. I remember learning somewhere that devils cannot read our minds, that are thoughts are uniquely our own. But for the sake of making his point I can see how C.S. Lewis portrays these tempters in the way he does.

#2 I love this question on the “pressure of the ordinary” because this is the downfall of so many good people in the world, myself often included. I thought it was interesting toward the beginning when Screwtape says that distraction is the best ally, when the “patient” is starting to feel the rumblings of “the enemy” (we would call it The Spirit), to fight back directly would be to lose. He advises only to tell the patient to “think about it later,” and then he inevitably rarely does. When we are present with the Spirit we need to stay in that moment. I have a hard time with this often as worldly matters that at the time seem more pressing and important flow in and out of my mind. 

#3 I agree with the statements you both made about this. In fact, I would argue that is it one of Satan’s most effective tools, at least when it comes to church members. We learn about this in the temple. He knows that if we can have any negative association with the church, we will blame the entire organization, thus denying themselves the gift of the gospel of Christ at its core. So I’ve resolved to be better than that. If I ever catch myself focusing more on the people in the pews than the message that is being taught, I try to redirect myself.

#4 This was an interesting question. I love how LDS doctrine emphasizes that the soul is the spirit AND the body. I think we can all agree that we are more receptive to the Spirit when the basic physical needs have been met. But isn’t it interesting how we can be better receptive when we deny our physical needs as well, such as in the case of fasting?

I don’t know about you gals, but I was truly blown away with how insightful and accurate Lewis’ perception is on how we are tried and tempted. This is why I love him so much as a writer. He seems to have a way of just piercing the heart of what is really true and essential. He is truly an inspired man with such a depth of spiritual matters, particularly concerning Christ and the Atonement. I look forward to reading more of his books. -- Mary

My thoughts on The Screwtape Letters -- Jaclyn

I loved this book! It was my second time reading it and I enjoyed it even more the second time around.  I loved seeing Screwtape's perspective and felt it was very eye opening.  Here's some of the things I've been thinking about:

#1)  I definitely believe in "demons", both in a literal and figurative sense.  I believe there are actual evil spirits in the world who attempt to persuade us from following after our Father in Heaven and His righteous ways.  But on a more day-to-day basis, I think we are all plagued by more figurative, personal "demons" which may come in the forms of sin, habits, low self-esteem, eating disorders, mental illness, disease, emotional baggage, grudges, gossip, etc.  I think both types of "demons" are utilized by Lucifer to plague us, haunt us, break us down, make us feel weak and inadequate, and otherwise tear us from the loving, personal relationship we might have with God.  I think we all face demons and it is our job to overcome them through Jesus, become stronger, and move closer to our God. 

#2) I think the "pressure of the ordinary" refers to humankind's strange abhorrence of being "different".  The pressure to fit in and be just like everyone else can be so overwhelming!  Even when our differences are good, our natural man cries out that it would rather just fit in.  I wonder if we would be more successful at sharing Christianity with others if we weren't battling our natural tendency to blend in with the masses; we're always afraid to be different, to be weird, to stand out. 

#3) The church can definitely be an ally to Satan. This is actually what I most thought about and most enjoyed while reading this book.  There's a whole laundry list of sins I can say I avoid just because I am a member of the Church (murder, theft, drugs, adultery, the list goes on and on and on).  I try hard to follow Jesus' teachings and to live a good Christian life.  But this book helped me realize that being a member of the Church can be an ally to Satan as well in that it opens the doorway for a whole new set of sins with which to tempt me.  Here I was, thinking I was doing so great because I keep the ten commandments, and then I realized that sometimes I set myself up as "better" or "more righteous" than others because I'm Christian.  Whether or not that's true is not my place to judge, not to mention the audacious pride of mine involved with that assumption! Another instance of this occurred this past Sunday when a fellow church member was expressing gratitude for all the service she's been rendered by the congregation.  She's a good friend of mine and I've done a lot to help her and for a split second I found myself thinking, "I wonder if she's going to point me out by name."  Immediately after that thought I wanted to mentally (and spiritually) slap myself.  Is that why I had served her? To make myself look good? Or to build up pride about what a good person I was?  I like to think not, but at that moment it felt like my own personal Screwtape was whispering in my ear. :)  I think it's also easy to become lackadaisical in our actions and perhaps find ourselves just going through the motions of a Christan life.  Go to church, say our prayers, read our Bible... but are we letting it change our hearts?  Is it sinking in? Or is it only skin deep?  I loved reading through every letter and evaluating myself, asking if each temptation was something I personally had experienced or am experiencing and need to improve on.  It definitely made me think and re-evaluate, and it made me want to be better.

The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis

Because I've read this book before, I knew I would love it. It makes me think, which is always my favorite kind of book. Here are some questions I pondered as I read, and I'd love to hear your thoughts too.

1) Do you believe in "demons?" If so, what is their role? How do they affect humankind?

2) What is “the pressure of the ordinary?" How does it keep us from God? (question found here)

3) In what ways can church be an ally to Satan? (question found here)

4) Screwtape states that humans “are animals and whatever their bodies do effects their souls.” What does he mean by that? Is it true? What other situations could our physical behavior effect our soul? (question found here)

5) What are your other thoughts? I can't wait to hear them!

Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage, Elizabeth Gilbert

I'm not generally a hard person to get along with. Yes, I'm awful to live with in certain circumstances, but those are few and far, far between. However, Liz and I didn't get along while I read this. It was not a circumstance in which I was the most amiable and tolerant of women.

She made me so so angry.

Perhaps I should have read the final chapter - which I admittedly did not, feeling it was a waste of my precious mortality. But up until that chapter's beginning all I heard was, "Being a wife is slavery. And being a mother is for the crazy slaves."

Well-written? Yes. Liz is a fantastic writer. For that reason I gave her three stars on Goodreads and not one.

Perhaps I shouldn't be so harsh in my critique of a book simply for not agreeing with her opinions. But I found her so embarrassing, as a fellow woman, that I had a hard time justifying even the cost of the paper the book I was holding had cost.

I know. I need to read the last chapter. Maybe she says, "Yes, I used to think all those things and now I understand that I was insane and illogical and that perhaps the thousands of years of heritage wives and mothers share are beautiful and meaningful after all." But I doubt it.

I disliked the book. Didn't hate it. Gave it three stars on Goodreads. I'd recommend it the way I'd recommend Mein Kampf ... interesting as a portrait of the artist, but you don't want to be like the artist.

Master Your Metabolism, Jillian Michaels

I loved this book. I don't ever fully trust diet books because I always fear the author has some kind of ulterior motive. Only my patented diet shake can bring you the kind of absorption of vitamins and minerals that your body needs to maintain a working metabolism! But with Jillian during this book I really felt like her research was extensive and helpful. I loved learning how the different hormones of the body work and why broccoli is the best vegetable and why everyone should eat tomatoes.

My apologies, though, Jillian, I just can't go organic at this stage in my life. This month I shopped with a Jillian inspired grocery list and spent nearly $50 on produce a week ... none of it organic. That price would have doubled shopping in the organic section. So I guess my family and I are going to have to brave the pesticides for the time being.

having said that, it has no reflection on her book at all - because everything she said was true. There are too many hormone injections in our meat and pesticides on our produce. But the way I see it, a strawberry laden with pesticides is still better than cheese-its and juice boxes. :)

Loved the book. Gave it four stars on Goodreads. I'd recommend it to anyone.

The Peacegiver, James L. Farrell

I am in LOVE with this book. This is my second reading, and I'm sure there will be a third. The Old Testament and I are the kind of friends who sit by each other in class but never hang out on the weekends. I love it, and appreciate it, but I don't always get it. In The Peacegiver, Farrell talks about how we can learn from examples like Abigail and Jonah and allow ourselves to forgive others and let the Atonement heal our hearts. He offers ideas to help us become more generous in our interactions and less self-centered.

I've heard some say they don't enjoy the teaching approach Farrell employs. The book reads like fiction, the story of a man unhappy in his marriage of 12 years and unable to see anyone's suffering but his own. He dreams of his grandfather and is taught the lessons heaven sees that he needs. As readers we see into his thoughts and witness his reactions to what he is learning, which is helpful because he addresses the concerns many of us have as we attempt to apply the lessons to our own lives.

The author is LDS (Mormon) but does not cater to an LDS audience, which I appreciate. Any Bible-loving Christian could enjoy this book. I'd recommend it to anyone and everyone.

The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis

I'm changing the book for this month since I've had people mention that Evelina is difficult to find. I'd rather change the book than have people unable to participate. So ... February's book is The Screwtape Letters.

I read this book years ago and loved it. I love books that make me think and help me figure out how to be a better person. This one is about a devil in training and how he is growing in his "talent" for tempting the mortal he's been assigned. Lewis has some remarkable insights into the strengths and weaknesses of human beings ... I'm anxious to read it again. The book is written from a Christian perspective, I think even those who don't consider themselves Christian would find this book enjoyable and enlightening. We all want to be happy, right? Even if we may disagree on the means or the source.