Night #1 Without Eldon ...

One night down, 30ish to go.

Actually, it was nice because I kept the curtains open for light, and he hates that ... so we always close them. I, on the other hand, love waking up to daylight. Waking up to darkness makes me more tired.

He called me from LA yesterday after finding his ghetto apartment in that ghetto part of town. Wow. At least he has a bed ... we weren't sure there'd be any furniture. He'd taken an entire suitcase of bedding, a pot and pan, and a pillow, just in case it was completely empty. Also, his roommate is a guy, so that's more good news. For a little while we weren't sure he would be.

I sure miss him already. He's my favorite friend, and it's lonely without him here. I cried all the way back from the airport yesterday morning, then every time anyone asked me if he was gone. I blame pregnancy hormones for the tears ... though the thought of being without him for SO long is rather heartbreaking to me. Chiara was confused when he wasn't home this morning when she woke up. Poor thing. She loves her daddy.

That's why we're going to visit my family in Utah and California. So we don't have to be alone.

Entwined: Didn't Capture Me

I was unimpressed. It's a fun story, and I've always like the fairytale of the sisters who dance in the night on the other side of magic. Dixon knows a lot about dance, and that was interesting ... all the dance moves and toe swooshing and curtsies. I liked imagining it all. But honestly, I don't know what the big fuss was about, or why I was number bazillion on the waiting list at the library.

My problem was that it was so predictable. I love stories that keep me guessing, which doesn't make sense, I suppose, since I read so many favorites over and over with equal delight each time. I knew who Azalea was going to fall in love with, I knew the silver mystery item that would conquer the evil, I knew who Keeper was ... Maybe I just have to remember the target audience and give Dixon more credit. But to the credit of teenagers, I bet they figured it out too.

The element I did enjoy was becoming smitten with Azalea's love interest. I adored him from the first scene. And it's always fun and tingly to fall in love with a fictional character who can never disappoint you in real life. :) I'm glad there wasn't a surprise where she rejected him, because I so dislike when girls reject the good guys in books. So I'll give Dixon that.

All in all, I'd say it's a two-star read for me. I'd never read it again, and probably never recommend it. It entertained me for a few hours, but many many other books would have too. Did anyone else manage to get a hold of a copy and read it? Don't judge me too harshly if you really loved the book. :)

My Chair Just Broke

Literally. I was sitting here in my computer chair that Eldon lovingly brought home from some foreclosed house where he'd found it, when there was a strange snapping noise and the sound of crashing. And my rear end sunk probably two inches.

Not the best way to start my day.

In fact, I've lost all trace of what it was I was going to write about.

I'm a little cranky, truth be told. I'm cranky because it's hot, and I'm not thin, and I'm still nauseous, and I don't sleep well at night because of this nausea, and my child is in a fit-throwing phase (please, Lord, let it be a phase), and my house isn't clean, and I have to clean it, and Eldon's leaving in five days and I'll be alone for a month, and we're moving soon, and I'm running out of ideas to make creative meals with the food we're trying to use up before we go, and ... well, the list goes on and on.

But that's not what I was going to talk about when I pulled up my little blog. It's just that my chair broke and suddenly my patience snapped in half. It's lovely.

So I'll just document a sweet mommy moment I had just a few minutes ago and end this fine post. :) I heard Chiara wake up from her nap. It was the sound of her yelling, "Baba!!!" from her bed, which meant she woke up dying of thirst. So I rushed in, told her I'd bring a sippy cup of water, and hurried to get it for her.

When I came back, sippy cup in hand, I stroked her face while she guzzled almost the whole cup in one go. I kissed her little wrists and squeezed her little feet and smiled looking at her eyebrows - furrowed in concentration as she drank. I just love her. That's all. I love this little human being who is so separate from me and yet somehow all of me. I just want to be a good mommy. That's all.

I'm not so cranky anymore.

Eldon On My Mind

I am so grateful I married this man. I was a nervous wreck before our wedding ... oh my goodness. I just took marriage so seriously and eternity is such a long time and I was so comfortable being single and so scared to trust anyone else's agency ... It was a stressful time. My hair went straight, for goodness' sake, which just shows how much my body was being affected by my heart and mind going crazy. :)

But I married him, and he is my favorite blessing. He is the most darling daddy, which I had believed he would be. And he takes such care to learn how to be the best husband for me. He caters his love and attention to what I like best, and I love him for it. He is the best risk I ever took.

Recent Reads ...

A Quiet Heart, Patricia T. Holland
FOUR stars

This was such a sweet exploration of womanhood and becoming the highest and best version of ourselves. I loved how Sister Holland expressed her ideas ... there was very little I hadn't heard before, but it was the way she said it that touched me. Her thoughts on parenting were especially poignant. The idea that children are so pure that they know when their parents are treating them unfairly struck me. It would indeed make it hard to judge right from wrong after seeing parents behave in ways they shouldn't. Anyway, it was a great read. One I plan to read again soon.

Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert
FIVE stars

This is the ... millionth? time I've read this book. I've listened to it on CD, I've read it until it was so battered and bruised I needed to buy a second copy. I love this book. I resonate with so much of it that it's literally a kind of addiction. I love to watch the movie, I love to watch Liz on any talk show or conference where she shares her thoughts ... I just really admire her. We're nothing alike, which is why it may seem admittedly odd that I love her so much. I just think she's good and smart. Her writing style is totally unique and insightful and I read everything with her name on it. Period.

Unbearable Lightness, Portia De Rossi
THREE stars

I admire strength. Portia went through a lot of difficult things and found her way into being a happy, healthy woman. I appreciate how honest she is in her portrayal of the eating disorder that ravished her life for so many years. So many girls suffer from unhealthy body image and life-threatening addictions. Although I don't agree with her lifestyle or a lot of her opinions, I think she is a remarkable woman. I even checked out Arrested Development after I read the book just to see her as an actress. :) I like her. And I'm glad she's happy.

Sing You Home, Jodi Picoult
THREE stars

Picoult sure picks the very most controversial of topics for her books. Eldon teased me that I was reading a lot of lesbian books ( I was also reading Truth and Beauty by Ann Patchett, but stopped because I didn't like it). This story is about a women who falls in love with a woman after a nasty divorce from her husband, with whom she had struggled for 10 years with infertility and the loss of several pregnancies, including one stillborn son. Devastating. She and her new wife want custody of the frozen embryos from her previous marriage, and her ex-husband disagrees on religious grounds. Picoult does a decent job of presenting each side equally, with warts and all, but I found myself resenting the way some Christians decide to manifest their beliefs. I'm sure that was her point. I was ashamed that people who claim to follow Christ would treat others in such an un-Christlike manner. But she's right. Too many of us do that. Anyway, well-written. She does SO much research for her novels. I enjoyed it. I like to think, and this book certainly made me think.

Adam & Eve: Marriage and Godhood

I'm reading this fantastic book by E. Douglas Clark and it seems like every page brings some kind of personal "ah ha" moment. I just need to list a few here:

Brother Clark writes of the majesty of marriage, and the many evidences we have that God is indeed married, and further, could not have become God without His other female half.

A quote from Elder Erastus Snow: "Deity consists of man and woman. How do you know? I only repeat what he says of himself; that he created man in the image of God, male and female created he them ... There can be no God except he is composed of the man and the woman united, and there is not in all the eternities that exist, nor ever will be, a God in any other way."


This sheds new light for me on the importance of marriage and the sanctity of unity between us. Eldon is my other half, the missing element of my own godhood. Man was not meant to be alone, and it is my belief that we cannot fulfill the measure of our creation alone. We need a companion. We are allowed to select those companions and then we make covenants to remain with each other. Always.


There were so many times early in our marriage when divorce seemed the only possible hope for happiness. We were miserable together. But we honored the eternal nature of our covenants and worked for unity. Now, I have tears in my eyes as I type this because the Lord has honored our devotion and blessed us with a unity and an elated and joyful kind of love I had never even imagined. Satan attacks our marriages because he knows that we cannot reach our highest aspirations of becoming like God if we destroy them. 


(Yes, sometimes divorce is needful. But hardly ever, in my opinion. Selfishness is not a good enough reason to break covenants. I understand the desire to repent of your marriage choice ... But it is a faithless desire. Our Father in Heaven, the supreme Creator, will create a way for us all to have fulfilling marriages. I don't intend to sound harsh or unfeeling ... It's just a very sensitive topic for me and I have an almost frantic urgency about it. I don't want everyone to struggle as I did in my marriage, but I do believe if God would help me He will help others too. My marital happiness is the grandest miracle of my life. It occurs to me that if one of the 5,000 were in the presence of someone who was starving, they might point their friend in the direction of He who once filled their own empty belly with His loving power. This is the testimony in me of marriage.)


One other thought before I get Chiara from her nap. This is entirely my own thought, and rather unfounded as I can see for myself all the holes in the logic. But as I read Brother Clark's research about the command God gave to Adam and Eve not to partake of the fruit, he mentioned the pronoun "thou" is singular. He suggested that perhaps the Father was speaking to Adam specifically, and then quoted some ideas of others. What struck me as a lovely little thought was this: What if God were saying, "Don't make the decision to partake of the fruit alone. Don't choose mortality alone."? I can argue against myself too, so don't be alarmed. I don't consider this to be some grand revelation. :) But it touched me to think that God would want Adam and Eve to remain together. "Thou mayest choose for thyself" the Lord says, but in His heart I think He hoped they would choose for and with each other. That's all. 

Filling My Box

I've been thinking about hobbies. Recently I've been very sensitive about how I spend my time. I've decided that scrapbooking is just not worth it to me anymore. I love making things with my hands and being creative, but it's such a messy activity, with so little progress (each page takes so long), that I've given it up.

What can I be excited about? I have people in my life who I admire because they have things they are passionate about. Photography. Sewing. Interior design. Cooking. Adoption. Church callings. I don't really have anything like that. I like a lot of things ... Reading. Writing. Women in scripture. Health. Poetry. Decorating. Blogging. :)

There's a part in the movie Eat Pray Love where Liz discovers Delia has a box of baby things. It was her little obsession, while she waited for the right time to have a child. Liz admits she has a similar box full of national geographic articles and the Times travel section ... a box full of places she wants to see before she dies.

So I've been wondering if I had a box what I'd fill it with. What matters to me?

Scripture Study -- It matters to me that I'm familiar with the canon. I want words and phrases and doctrines to be ingrained in my mind and heart so I can teach my children easily.

People & Cultures -- I almost double majored in Sociocultural Anthropology at BYU. I love to learn about other countries, what life is like for the people who live there. I should care more about politics, but I don't understand most of it and what I do understand frustrates me. It's not a battle I've selected to wage war over. But I think it's important to learn about all God's children; what they believe and what they live for.

Biography -- I really love biographies. I read all about people I admire, people I've never heard of, people I think are the polar opposites of me ... It's always an enlightening experience for me to watch someone's journey of choices. I enjoy seeing them go from point A to point B, learning and growing and becoming along the way. That's fascinating to me.

Writing -- For my entire remembered life I have been drawn to words. I had a pseudo typewriter when I was little and I'd copy my favorite books, typing the pages word for word. I have a memory of my mom telling me I should write stories that haven't been written already ... but somehow the passion is made soggy in fear. Not fully drowned, but at least desperately water-logged.

Nature -- I love documentaries about plant and animal life. It's a perfect medium for me because I hate dirt so much. :) I could fill a box with cool parallels of light and living that are found in nature. No, I couldn't. I just made myself laugh out loud. To be passionate about that I'd have to go out in it ... Non mi piace.

Nature

Is it weird that I don't feel like I have anything box-worthy? Maybe my scripture study and all the talks I've collected and the books I've read are kind of an intangible box for me. It's really the only thing I can think of that I care so much about. I'd just love to have a passion ...

Eldon knows a lot about health and the body and I'm so attracted to that characteristic of his. What do I know, though? Sometimes I feel like I only ever cook and clean and help my child survive from one day to the next.

Something has to change in my life. I need a spark. I'm going to pick one.

Elizabeth Gilbert

I love her. It's kind of hilarious because we probably don't agree on a single political or moral issue, but I adore her. She has such fascinating ideas and the way she articulates herself makes me want to worship at her feet like a crazed idolater. I found her speech on ted.com about nurturing creativity and found my heart melting inside myself as she vocalized so many thoughts I've only ever glimpsed in my own thinking. That she saw them long enough and clearly enough for me to recognize them is a truly remarkable thing to me.

The link to watch her presentation is here:

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html

Also, I should mention that Eat Pray Love is on my top three favorite books list. Yes, it's full of profanity and a few lewd conversations, which are usually repulsive to me. But I'm so moved by it, I'm so changed by it, that I am forced to give credit where it's due and say the book is truly remarkable.

Can I make an argument against myself and quote Michael Ballam who suggests that Satan uses the best talent on the planet to distract us from that which is holy and light? Yes. Can I argue that if I wouldn't want my young children to read it I probably should not read it myself? Yes. Can I argue that my whole previous paragraph was the most difficult aspect of my undergraduate degree, as I studied books written beautifully about filth and realized the "classics" were almost as foreign to me as they ever were? Yes.

So I'm torn. Maybe this is a moment where I'm a little blinded. But then there is another part of me that yearns to see the good in that which I don't or can't fully condone. Surely it's a Godly attribute to love the wonder in people while acknowledging the weakness. We cannot love in pieces. We cannot shun everything and everyone outside our intimate sphere of belief, can we? Should we?

At present, my heart's decision is to add Liz's name to my list of women I admire. I'd love to meet her and sip sparkling cider as she sips her wine while we chat about the things we both think. Maybe at some future point my heart will choose differently. But that's probably one of the best parts of journaling ...Seeing our own journey in print.