August 2012 Sharing Time, WEEK ONE

I choose to fill my life with things that invite the Spirit ... FRIENDS.

I love to teach from the scriptures. Nothing is as powerful as the stories and characters and doctrines as we find them there. So for this week I looked up a bunch of references in the Topical Guide to do with friends and friendship and assigned a word to each one.

Exodus 33:11 - WORDS. We need to always choose kind words. The Lord didn't come down and speak rudely to Moses. He spoke as a friend, because it would make Moses feel good about himself. That is how we should speak also - as the Savior would speak.

Ruth 2:13 - COMPLIMENTS. Boaz paid Ruth many compliments when he spoke to her. She was lonely and probably afraid, but he was kind and told her the good things she was doing. We can encourage our friends when we tell them the good things we see in them.

1 Samuel 18:1 - HAPPY. David and Jonathan were best friends. When David was chosen to be the next king instead of Jonathan, Jonathan could have gotten angry. But instead of being jealous he was just happy for his friend. Sometimes our friends might be better than us at something, or get something we wish we had, or win something we'd wanted, but we should be happy for them because we love them. Jonathan loved David that way.

Job 42:10 - PRAY. Job prayed for his friends even when they hurt his feelings. And because of that, he made even more friends. We should always pray for our friends, even if they do something that hurts us. The Lord will bless you with more friends and you will know your friends can trust you.

Proverbs 17:17 - LOVE. Friends love at all times. We should remember that Heavenly Father loves all His children, and we should try to love everyone too. They need your love. It takes love to be a true friend that someone can depend on and feel safe with.

Alma 17:2 - CHURCH. Alma and the sons of Mosiah were great friends who had a lot of spiritual experiences together. When you go to church, or seminary, or a fireside with your friends you should talk about it positively, not complain about it. When you make spiritual experiences positive ones you will help keep each other strong in the gospel, like Alma and the sons of Mosiah did. (Remember, Laman and Lemuel saw an angel too, but it wasn't a good experience for them because they still complained right afterward. Who would you rather be like?)

Mormon 8:5 - TIME. Moroni was completely alone at the end of his life. He watched the destruction of all his people. It was hard for him not to have anyone to spend time with. We should always watch out for people who might be lonely. Everyone needs to spend time with other people.

D&C 121:9 - LOYAL. Joseph Smith had been in prison for a long time. He was sick, cold, hungry, dirty and discouraged. The Lord could have said so many different things to comfort Joseph, and one of the things He said was that his friends were still there for him, and they loved him. We need to make sure that when our friends are going through hard times - and they will - they know we love them and are there for them, no matter what.

 

D&C 134:11 - DEFEND. We need to all have the courage it takes to stand up for what we know is right. If someone we know is getting picked on, or made fun of, or anyone is being mean to them, we should remember that we can and should defend them. Do what you can to let your friend know they aren't alone and that you don't think whatever bad thing anyone said about them is true.

 

 

 

Really a simple activity, but the kids were paying attention the whole time. I just had volunteers come up and pick a word, stick it on the board with fun-tak, and then we talked about the verse that went with it. For Junior Primary I introduced the little drawings of kids as my friends, and gave little bios for each of them. Silly, but it helped them to imagine a variety of kids that could all be friends.



Safe And Sound

He's home. My handsome, heroic husband is home.

I love him with my whole soul.

President Spencer W. Kimball: “Marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 305–6).

When I was young and single I read this quote and thought, "How lovely."

Now I know what he meant. This - marital love - is worth any pain, any sacrifice, any effort I can think of. To love and be loved ... this is heaven on earth.

I Learned About God Today

This is why I love to read the scriptures. Well, one of the reasons. I read a talk by President Eyring where he said God is in the pages of the scriptures as much as any other person is in their own biography. Paraphrased to clumsiness, but you get the idea.

I LOVED THAT.

So, ever since then I've tried to find Him everywhere. And I found Him again today.
I was reading the story of Abinadi, and noticing for the first time the significance of Mosiah 12:29:

If ye teach the law of Moses, why do ye not keep it? . . . Why do ye . . . cause this people to commit sin, that the Lord has cause to send me to prophesy against this people?

Abinadi knew he was going to be killed for preaching what he did (Mosiah 13:10). I believe he knew before he ever came before King Noah or his people that he would not leave their city alive. That's an astounding level of obedience, and I've always admired him for it. But what blew my mind tonight was thinking of God's "cause" to send Abinadi in the first place.
Whenever I try to get inside the mind of God I start with love. So as I sat at my desk thinking about this I wondered, "Okay, who did God love more than the rest of Abinadi's mortal life?" That might be a flippant way to word that question, but I mean it in all sincerety. I know God loves His children (1 Ne. 11:17), and I know He loves Abinadi. So in my mind it must be another, greater love that motivates the sacrifice Abinadi was asked to make.

Names started flooding my mind. Alma. Alma the Younger. The sons of Mosiah. King Lamoni. King Lamoni's father. And on and on. The ripple effect from Abinadi's testimony is extraordinary. Just as Heavenly Father knew it would be. That was worth the price to Him. And I'm sure it was worth the price to Abinadi, which is a level of charity beyond my comprehension.

So as I sat here at my desk I just kind of felt ... loved. Because here I am, reading Abinadi's words and resolving within myself to make some serious positive changes in my life. Just as Heavenly Father knew I would be. I'm in awe of the love He has for His children. For all of us.

So to answer my own question, who did Father love more than the rest of Abinadi's mortal life? Us.
Sometimes my natural woman tries to rank people on God's love scale. Jesus. Adam. Joseph Smith. (insert bazillions of names here) Me. But really, how can I read accounts like Abinadi's and not realize Father loves us all? Jesus descended below all things for us. Adam fell for us. Joseph Smith lived and died for us. Given the choice between their suffering and the hope for our salvation, Father chose us.

I want to take my life and my agency in my hands and choose Him.

He's Home From Active Duty Tomorrow!

Hubby has been away for a month at the Maxwell Air Force Base in Alabama. I'm so ready for him to come home. I miss him more than I can even say ... almost more than I can feel. He is the highlight of my life, and I love it when he's close enough to touch.

I'd write more, but Chiara has been a little sick and right now she's crying from her room (45 minutes past her bedtime):

"Mommy ... please ... I want to snuggle with you, please. I'm having a hard time ... Mommy ... please."

How can I resist that?



Only my motherly love would ever have induced me to find, catch, accommodate, and feed 15 caterpillars. She LOVES those ugly little things. Now, I'm happy to report they are nestled in strange, reddish cocoons and I'm no longer afraid they will crawl out of their Tupperware container in the night and run rampant through my house.

Decorating My Girls' Room

I don't know if I'm alone in this - I hope against hope over it - but I sleep way better if my house is clean. Particularly my girls' room. I don't know why it bothers me so much to imagine my children sleeping in the midst of a mess, but it truly does. I've straightened it in the middle of the night before ... I'm not even joking. It's a strange problem. Hubby says it's OCD and there's medication for that, and I say, "Why would anyone take medicine that made them OKAY with messes? Where's the medication for people who don't care about messes? THEY'RE the ones we should be worried about." We were both joking, but seriously. Why medicate a good thing away? :)

That all being said, it brings me great pleasure to make their room a lovely little place for girls to dream. Sleeping or awake. I've been meaning to put an alphabet on the wall for a long time, and I finally did it. With the help of a borrowed Cricut Expression, and the Linen Closet Stack of scrapbooking paper from Joann Fabric, I made this darling little collage:

I LOVE the colors. They're way cuter in real life than in this picture. I stuck plain paper to the wall above the changing table with fun-tak. Only the classiest of supplies for this little mamma. I'll make a sturdy alphabet someday, but for now this will do just fine. The other wall looks like this:



That heinous gold frame has been painted white since this picture was taken, thank goodness. And the black table you can see in the corner was a short-lived compromise with a toddler who wanted it in her room to hold a lamp so she could read herself to sleep. I put up snowflake-shaped white lights from IKEA (that actually look a lot like flowers) instead, so the table is gone too, thankfully.

It's just so fun for me to make our home a beautiful place. Right now while hubby is in medical school and we don't have extra money for nice decorations or furniture, it's an adventure to see how creative I can be with the beautification of each room. I figure if our home is clean and it looks like I put some effort into making it pretty, my homemaking efforts in that area are successful. And these sweet darlings will feel my love for them and know they are worth the extra effort.

And isn't that why we do what we do in the first place? I don't decorate for the people who come to visit our home, I do it for the people who live in our home. They are my treasures.

In Love With This Life

I'm having one of those moments when the world seems to twirl a little less quickly and the seconds glow a little more brightly. I don't know what it is ... Hubby is coming home in three days from active duty, the girls are sleeping peacefully, my mind is still tingling from some truly beautiful personal revelation during my scripture study, and I'm happy.

My house is a disaster, there's a mountain of clean clothes waiting to be folded, trash that needs to be taken out (I'm used to Eldon doing that!), and bathrooms that need some serious deep cleaning ... but all I can think of are these two little girls:

Their room smells like a glorious mixture bathtime and sweet breathing. I just love being a mommy. Three more days until the other half of my heart comes home. I can't wait. Then home will be complete.

Saved By Love

I know what it feels like to be saved by romantic love. My husband is the very best of men, and it makes me happy to know that so many wives feel the same way about their own husbands. Almost five years ago we took a tremendous leap of faith and promised ourselves to each other for time and all eternity. We had no idea what life would have in store for us four years later.

He loved me through and out of the deepest, darkest period of my whole life. I have never loved him more than I do right now, in this moment. I'm glowing with gratitude.

So in honor of him, my beloved, I'm squaring my shoulders, cheerfully determined to become the very best version of myself. This is the best gift I can think of to offer him. And I do it with all my heart.

And once again, as has happened so many times before, my relationship with this good man reminds me of my Father in Heaven. How I love Him. How completely I believe He loves me too, and that He loved me first. Interesting that it took marriage to teach me the depth of devotion He hopes for from His children. If I am so dedicated to my husband, how much more dedicated I should be to my God.

So, encouraged by the love of these two men in my life, I'm choosing to become the woman they need me to be. I'm opening my heart, treasuring my body, and teaching my children. I'm going to make my home - and my heart - a haven where we can all find peace.

What I Wish

I have vivid dreams. And actually, I think I always dream. If I fall asleep on the couch for five minutes, I'll have a five minute dream. I often think, "Oooh, I should write that one down!" but I rarely do. There are some, though, that I remember without needing to write them down. One of those, for example, was a dream wherein I watched Eldon's face change to a man I didn't recognize. My dream self looked into the eyes of my husband, seeing all the love and the memories and the commitment there. Then slowly those eyes became darker, harder, until they were completely hostile and unfamiliar. Suddenly I realized, as happens in dreams, that my husband didn't exist. That the man I love had never existed. My Eldon was nowhere to be found.

I wept. I wept so long and so hard in that dream that I actually woke up with tears on my face. I gasped, opened my eyes in the darknesss and reached out frantically to feel for the body of my husband sleeping beside me. He was there. I cried fresh tears of relief and curled myself against his back, hearing his familiar breathing and smelling his familiar smell. It was just a dream. It was just a dream.

Perhaps it seems a strange connection, but this is the memory that came to my mind as I studied my scriptures this morning. I've been deeply troubled over the past months (years?) as I've felt my faith in God grow fainter. Almost imperceptively I've become increasingly skeptical of spiritual things, less and less willing to pray, more and more unwilling to hope. Was there a God in heaven? Was my lifetime of religious diligence as silly and futile as the fairy tales and myths I'd read as a child? Was I needlessly shackling myself to a list of rules and regulations, breaking my back with hours of service to a church and a people as misguided as any other?

It was a terrifying thought.

I finally mustered the courage to tell my husband my thoughts and fears. I didn't think I believed anymore. I was willing to pretend, for his sake, but my heart was going to be breaking behind the facade. A lifetime of superstition and fraud? Oh, how would I endure it?

The next day my husband fasted for me. I watched this sweet man feed our daughters and stay hungry himself. I watched him pray and saw tears in his eyes, knowing his heart was breaking too. I watched as he read his scriptures, seeking answers and peace as is his way. "What a good man I married." I'd think to myself. "How I love him."

It's been weeks since that confession. I'd decided to give myself an entire year to make my decision about God. I would read and ponder and pray and give Him every opportunity to manifest Himself. Then I'd make my choice.

"What would change?" Eldon asked me. "If you decided God isn't there, what would change?"

Externally, not much. I'd still attend our church with my family. I'd still raise our daughters the way Eldon and I had intended when we brought them into the world. I'd still be married to a devoted believer. I'd just ... be miserable. Not miserable in all aspects, because there is so much joy to be found in life and living. But my heart wouldn't be behind my actions, and that's a difficult road to travel. My only consolation was that I'd be honest with myself while not hurting my family.

So I embarked on my journey of study and prayer. I cannot express the challenge it is to pray to a God you aren't convinced is there. I cannot express the soul-rending humility it requires to pray aloud with your children and teach them about God when you're not sure a word of what you say is actually true. My fear was enormous. I was letting myself get sucked back in. I was welcoming the brainwashing, hoping to rid myself of reality and join the ranks of the delusional.

I just didn't think I could go through with it.

But I kept reading. I kept praying. On my knees. I kept watching devotionals and presentations by men and women of greater faith than I had. Some of their words felt manipulative and forced to me, so I kept searching until I found presenters and speakers I felt comfortable with. I studied by topic, grasping for anything about charity and hope. It seemed to me that if I could better understand those two things my faith might not be lost forever.

When it became unbearable, when I felt it was just not worth the struggle, I'd remember my family - my husband and my daughters. I am their entire world. I am the maker of their home and their happiness. And I would do this for them.

One day it occurred to me to ask myself what I wanted. Did I want God to be real? Or did I want everything to be a fantasy, a life lived for now rather than later?

Naptime

while todlers sleep, mommies can play. or read, as the case may be. but if they're holding sleeping babies, and typing with one hand, they cannot capitalize their letters. fyi.

typical naptime:

i love it. i need it, actually.

kindle

scriptures

post-it notes

blue pen

blue pencil

the great gatsby, fitzgerald

falling to heaven, ferrell

cell phone

i love her one naked foot ... i can't keep socks on those tiny feet. she doesn't mind.

she loves it too.

I love breakup songs best.

I hope this isn't indicative of some deep-rooted problem in my psyche, but I love breakup songs. I have an entire mix of them in my car, and I keep thinking I need to make more because there are SO many good ones. Something about breakup songs is just so real and honest. I don't know ... I just love them. There are some I can hardly listen to because they remind me so clearly and exclusively of certain boyfriends. But I love the ones that don't remind me of anyone. Eldon introduced me to this one. He knows me well. :)

"Somebody That I Used To Know"
(feat. Kimbra)

[Gotye:]
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

[Gotye:]
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Snapshot Of This Moment

Low lighting.
Noelle sleeping on my lap.
My journal, the Ensign, The Happiness Project, a post-it notepad, and a highlighter sprawled out on the bed beside me.
Eldon and Chiara out on a daddy daughter date.
A silent house.
Cold water bottle on my bedside table.

Life is so, so good.

How I Make Her Feel

I have a three-year-old who personifies an exhausting combination of energy, high maintenance, and intelligence. Every button I have, she pushes. In fact, I think she creates buttons just to push them. She's not a bad child - quite the opposite. She's funny and sensitive to the feelings of others. She is tender-hearted and outgoing. But lately she's been pushing me to the brink of complete motherly depletion.

There's a story about Saint Terese who didn't enjoy the company of one of her fellow nuns. Everything about this woman's character seemed to grate on Terese to the point where she felt no love for her at all. Saint Terese was so bothered by this - not by the other nun, but by her own response to that nun - she determined to treat her as if she were always happy to see her. She doted on her, gave her undivided, kind attention, and smiled at her to the point that the other nun actually asked her why she loved her so much. Little did she know Saint Terese was simply exercising all the virtue she could muster to even tolerate her company.

I don't want to sound like my response to my own child is similar to Saint Terese's. I love my daughter and find daily delight in being her mother. But there are moments when I get frustrated with her.

Today is a perfect example. I asked a friend to come over to chat with me while I finished up some projects around the house. I cleaned out my girls' closet and did the dishes from the day before. While my friend was here, my daughter decided she wanted everything she wasn't allowed to have. When I told her my answer was no - for the hundredth time - she threw a tantrum like I'd never seen. She yelled, flailed her arms, spit at me (a definite first), kicked her door, and wept giant tears. I wasn't feeling very much delight right then. Like none.

So I've been thinking how to stop a child from acting that way. Certainly she's never seen my husband or me throw a tantrum, so the problem is not following a negative example. She's unusually intelligent, and I know she gets frustrated easily when her understanding is enough to recognize a problem but not enough to find a solution. And she's highly sensitive to moods. She can perceive positive or negative emotions in other people very quickly. Which makes me wonder if she's sensing - and responding to - my own frustration with her.

That may sound obvious to some of you, but this is what I've decided to do about it:

I'm going to follow Saint Terese's example and act as if my child delights me every minute of the day. When she's happy I'm going to be thrilled about it, and when she's sad I'm going to smother her with love. I'm not going to be fake ... well, sometimes it will be fake. This morning the last thing I wanted to do while she was screaming was take her in my arms and tickle her neck with kisses. But nonetheless, I'm going to remove all evidence of my own frustrations or fears (how am I going to parent this child??) and show her only love. Every minute of every day. Love love love.

Discipline can still happen. It needs to happen. But the angry look on my face while I'm telling her she needs to sit in the "trouble chair" doesn't need to happen. The angry tone of my voice doesn't need to happen. And certainly the exclamations of irritation don't need to happen. "For the love!" "Oh my gosh, child." "Seriously?" Those simply have to be eradicated from my mothering moments.

My new guideline is this: "What can I do in this situation to make her feel loved?"

And then I'm going to exercise all the willpower and self-control I possess and do whatever that is.

My Valentine To Me

I'm reading a book right now called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Memoirs about goals and finding self and character development are my favorite genre - at least for now - and I'm loving Gretchen's approach to her year of finding happiness.

In fact, she inspired me to start my own project.

My plan is to give myself a Valentine gift: one year of loving myself.

It occurred to me not long ago that I'm not really great at keeping the second great commandment, that is, to love my neighbor as myself. I'm not very nice to me. And I think in there somewhere is the commandment to love yourself, along with God and neighbors ... Somewhere recently I read something that made me think of all the good a person can do who is comfortable and gentle with themselves. I think kindness to others and generosity of thought might come more easily to those who are not fighting some kind of inner war with their own heart and mind. (Yes, I think of myself as quite separate from both my heart and my mind ... I'm often at odds with both of them. Maybe that makes me crazy? That's a very real possibility.)

So, I decided I'd like some inner peace ... for the first time in my life. I'm always fighting with myself, telling myself yes or no - whichever one is harder. Then, when I fail at whatever it is I've told myself I should or should not do, I hold it against me. I use it as evidence that I am not as good as I want to be, and, most harsh of all, I tell myself God has the same expectations of me that I do ... So I never feel I'm what He wants me to be either.

Rough.

Gretchen focuses on one area of improvement per month. I like that idea because my resolutions are usually I list I expect myself to be immediately perfect in performing, a list of daily, weekly, and monthly deeds I want to accomplish. This month by month thing might help me develop habits one at a time before I overwhelm myself in characteristic fashion and give up entirely.

I'd like to start on the actual day of Valentine's ... today ... but I'm not organized yet and that will make me feel frantic. So I'm going to begin on February 25 - Chiara's birthday. That will give me some time to plan my habits and make a schedule and really put some serious thought into it all.

Basically I want one year full of reasons I can be proud of myself. I want to rejoice in the small and simple things I can do to bring about great changes in my life and character. I want to learn to be nice to myself because I'm afraid that if I don't I might unintentionally teach my girls to treat themselves this way too. And I don't want that.

Because He First Loved Us

Being a mommy to two little girls has changed so many things. I think differently. I read differently. I even speak differently, desperate to show them a feminine example they can follow. That being the case, I was reading my scriptures the other day, thinking - as is my new habit - of how I'd teach what I was reading to little girls. I don't remember the passage I read, but it occurred to me that we obey the Lord out of love but that some people might not consider love for Him a natural thing. Why should we love Him? Why do so many love Him?

My mind did a small accounting of my moments with Him that have brought me to fall in love with Him again and again. Could a non-believer discredit those moments and attribute them to my own imagination and desire to create illusions for myself? Of course they could. And might someone also look at their life of trial and feel bitter or resentful toward the God who supposedly caused or allowed all those challenges? Absolutely.

So, I was searching for a doctrine to teach the love of God, and love for God, outside of mortality. We don't remember Him, so it's difficult to initiate a loving relationship with a being we can't see or hear. But we did know Him before we came. And this is the doctrine I'll teach my girls. Whatever trial we might be facing, whatever hardship we might be enduring, we can - if we desire - feel the truth in the teaching that we lived with Him before we came to this earth ... that we already have a relationship with Him.

It was His love for us, before we came to Earth, that made us love Him so dearly. It was His love for us that created a world wherein we might learn to be like Him. And it was our love for Him that made us so anxious to come here, so anxious to receive bodies and experience the joys and sorrows of a mortal life. It was His love for us that provided a Savior, His beloved Son, who endured the agony of the Atonement that we might all return home to Father better than we were when we left Him. And it was our love for Him that gave us the courage to exercise the faith to come here, trusting Jesus' word that He would do what He promised, that we could really become godly through His sacrifice.

The love I want my girls to remember is the love we had with our Father (and Mother) in Heaven before we came to earth. I'm confident they will have experiences here in mortality, as I've had, that give them new reasons to love Him. But if they are so deeply buried in trials and tribulations that they cannot feel His love for them, as I've been, or they struggle to find their faith in Him, as I've done, maybe it will be helpful to remember why we came to earth to begin with: we loved Him too much to remain unlike Him. Earth life was our chance to become like He is, and we could not resist it. We held our moral agency in one hand, and our love for Him in the other, and joyfully accepted the challange and opportunity of mortality.

I hope my girls feel the truth in the doctrine of our pre-mortal life. It is such a blessing to know why we're here. Yes, we're here to get a body, and be tested, and all those other things we hear and say in Sunday School. But ultimately we're here because He first loved us.