Riding the Potter's wheel.

I've been going through old pictures and journals and mementos (moving and packing has forced the project) and I'm just astounded at several things:

1. I was such an idiot. I hope I'm less of one now.

Actually, I guess that first one just kind of sums it up. Through all the challenges I've faced, and the ones I'm facing now, I can hardly believe how much I've changed and how many lessons I've learned. 

When I was 15 it was such a big deal to me fit into tiny jeans. Now it's still important (to eventually get back into tiny jeans, I mean) but it's not how I define myself. When I was 15 it was.

When I was 17 I was quick to judge people for the choices I watched them make. Now I spend mental energy hoping they are happy, and I love them just as much - sometimes more - because of the choices I don't agree with.

When I was 21 I was the careless steward of a heart that had been given to me. Now my behavior reflects a deep reverence for the feelings, hopes, and well-being of others.

When I was 23 I didn't understand how people could not have any desire to pray or learn about God. Now I do.

When I was 25 I thought my life was over. Now I realize I was just selfish.

When I was 27 I had a crisis of faith. Now I have mended and even improved my relationship with my God.

When I was 29 I retreated from the world and hid inside a deep dark depression, and I hated myself for it. Now I forgive myself more easily, and I applaud the depressed wife and mother of two I was for not giving up when she really, really wanted to.

I'm almost 31 now. I give up too easily on my goals, I yell at my kids sometimes, and I don't always use my time wisely. But I've learned things about faith and hope I never even knew I didn't know. I have every confidence that if I can just manage to stay on the Potter's wheel, the Lord will teach me and help me become a lovely, sweet, holy woman. And looking back at the different stages of my life I see He has already made a lot of progress with me.

I'm happy about that.

Carnival Tonight

Today we took you girls to the carnival in town. We'd watched them setting up the rides for a week and you were so excited to go ride them all. I was so excited to take you.

When we got there, I pushed Evie in the stroller, Belle was up on Daddy's shoulders and Chiara led the way to the entrance. We saw the ticket booth and went to buy some. We had $20 to spend and thought you girls would get to go on all the rides you'd wanted to. We saw the sign, $3.75 per ticket. There was also a little red line showing the height requirements for the rides. Our petite Noelle was too short. My heart sank for you girls. I think I was even more disappointed than Chiara.

So Daddy bought one ticket for Chiara to ride the dragon roller coaster she'd been talking about for so many days. I held a sobbing, heartbroken Noelle as we all watched Chiara go on the ride by herself. The delighted expression on her face as the roller coaster whipped her around the track was priceless to us. Daddy and I exchanged a look over Belle's head ... We would have done anything to see our Chiara so happy. Every time she passed us we whooped and hollered and she waved, always with that giant smile on her face.

When the ride was over we shuttled you all to the green van. You didn't understand why you couldn't go on more rides. Daddy and I had thought we could afford a whole afternoon of fun ... we were so sorry.

So we took you to the park. We walked around the paths and pushed you in the swings. It was a beautiful, lovely day. Noelle wanted to pick every wild daisy she could see and Chiara was so excited to stand on the bridge and throw a penny in the stream. Eve chatted all the way from her little spot in the stroller, but we took her out to swing with her sisters. Nothing could have been more darling than the three of you all swinging together. Noelle wanted to push Evie higher, and we laughed as we told her babies can't go as fast or high as big girls.

By the time we got home we were all tired from all the running, playing, and sunshine. So Daddy studied while all the girls (including me) took a little nap. It was a perfect day.

Day One ... Again

The thing is, I'm a horrible perfectionist. It's agonizing, really. I can sit and stare at what I want to do, paralyzed with fear to start because I don't want it to be awful. And if my past is any sign of my future (thank you, John Mayer) it probably will be. At least the first time.

But the thing is, the quicker I get the first time over and done with, the quicker I can just move on and get on with everything. So that's what I'm going to try to do. For the first time. And probably not the last.

Tonight I tucked Evie into bed the way she likes, with her little muslin blanket with the elephants on it right up against her face. It's a hazard, I think, but after many sleepless nights I've concluded that she's rather good at keeping it from smothering her. She fell asleep first in my arms, then as I put her in her little bassinet she woke up a little, smiled at me, and closed her eyes again. I'll be sad when she grows out of that.

I could type all kinds of hyperbole but nothing would do. She is simply exactly what I need her to be. 

 

I love you, Evie Heart.

August 2012 Sharing Time, WEEK ONE

I choose to fill my life with things that invite the Spirit ... FRIENDS.

I love to teach from the scriptures. Nothing is as powerful as the stories and characters and doctrines as we find them there. So for this week I looked up a bunch of references in the Topical Guide to do with friends and friendship and assigned a word to each one.

Exodus 33:11 - WORDS. We need to always choose kind words. The Lord didn't come down and speak rudely to Moses. He spoke as a friend, because it would make Moses feel good about himself. That is how we should speak also - as the Savior would speak.

Ruth 2:13 - COMPLIMENTS. Boaz paid Ruth many compliments when he spoke to her. She was lonely and probably afraid, but he was kind and told her the good things she was doing. We can encourage our friends when we tell them the good things we see in them.

1 Samuel 18:1 - HAPPY. David and Jonathan were best friends. When David was chosen to be the next king instead of Jonathan, Jonathan could have gotten angry. But instead of being jealous he was just happy for his friend. Sometimes our friends might be better than us at something, or get something we wish we had, or win something we'd wanted, but we should be happy for them because we love them. Jonathan loved David that way.

Job 42:10 - PRAY. Job prayed for his friends even when they hurt his feelings. And because of that, he made even more friends. We should always pray for our friends, even if they do something that hurts us. The Lord will bless you with more friends and you will know your friends can trust you.

Proverbs 17:17 - LOVE. Friends love at all times. We should remember that Heavenly Father loves all His children, and we should try to love everyone too. They need your love. It takes love to be a true friend that someone can depend on and feel safe with.

Alma 17:2 - CHURCH. Alma and the sons of Mosiah were great friends who had a lot of spiritual experiences together. When you go to church, or seminary, or a fireside with your friends you should talk about it positively, not complain about it. When you make spiritual experiences positive ones you will help keep each other strong in the gospel, like Alma and the sons of Mosiah did. (Remember, Laman and Lemuel saw an angel too, but it wasn't a good experience for them because they still complained right afterward. Who would you rather be like?)

Mormon 8:5 - TIME. Moroni was completely alone at the end of his life. He watched the destruction of all his people. It was hard for him not to have anyone to spend time with. We should always watch out for people who might be lonely. Everyone needs to spend time with other people.

D&C 121:9 - LOYAL. Joseph Smith had been in prison for a long time. He was sick, cold, hungry, dirty and discouraged. The Lord could have said so many different things to comfort Joseph, and one of the things He said was that his friends were still there for him, and they loved him. We need to make sure that when our friends are going through hard times - and they will - they know we love them and are there for them, no matter what.

 

D&C 134:11 - DEFEND. We need to all have the courage it takes to stand up for what we know is right. If someone we know is getting picked on, or made fun of, or anyone is being mean to them, we should remember that we can and should defend them. Do what you can to let your friend know they aren't alone and that you don't think whatever bad thing anyone said about them is true.

 

 

 

Really a simple activity, but the kids were paying attention the whole time. I just had volunteers come up and pick a word, stick it on the board with fun-tak, and then we talked about the verse that went with it. For Junior Primary I introduced the little drawings of kids as my friends, and gave little bios for each of them. Silly, but it helped them to imagine a variety of kids that could all be friends.



Safe And Sound

He's home. My handsome, heroic husband is home.

I love him with my whole soul.

President Spencer W. Kimball: “Marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 305–6).

When I was young and single I read this quote and thought, "How lovely."

Now I know what he meant. This - marital love - is worth any pain, any sacrifice, any effort I can think of. To love and be loved ... this is heaven on earth.

I Learned About God Today

This is why I love to read the scriptures. Well, one of the reasons. I read a talk by President Eyring where he said God is in the pages of the scriptures as much as any other person is in their own biography. Paraphrased to clumsiness, but you get the idea.

I LOVED THAT.

So, ever since then I've tried to find Him everywhere. And I found Him again today.
I was reading the story of Abinadi, and noticing for the first time the significance of Mosiah 12:29:

If ye teach the law of Moses, why do ye not keep it? . . . Why do ye . . . cause this people to commit sin, that the Lord has cause to send me to prophesy against this people?

Abinadi knew he was going to be killed for preaching what he did (Mosiah 13:10). I believe he knew before he ever came before King Noah or his people that he would not leave their city alive. That's an astounding level of obedience, and I've always admired him for it. But what blew my mind tonight was thinking of God's "cause" to send Abinadi in the first place.
Whenever I try to get inside the mind of God I start with love. So as I sat at my desk thinking about this I wondered, "Okay, who did God love more than the rest of Abinadi's mortal life?" That might be a flippant way to word that question, but I mean it in all sincerety. I know God loves His children (1 Ne. 11:17), and I know He loves Abinadi. So in my mind it must be another, greater love that motivates the sacrifice Abinadi was asked to make.

Names started flooding my mind. Alma. Alma the Younger. The sons of Mosiah. King Lamoni. King Lamoni's father. And on and on. The ripple effect from Abinadi's testimony is extraordinary. Just as Heavenly Father knew it would be. That was worth the price to Him. And I'm sure it was worth the price to Abinadi, which is a level of charity beyond my comprehension.

So as I sat here at my desk I just kind of felt ... loved. Because here I am, reading Abinadi's words and resolving within myself to make some serious positive changes in my life. Just as Heavenly Father knew I would be. I'm in awe of the love He has for His children. For all of us.

So to answer my own question, who did Father love more than the rest of Abinadi's mortal life? Us.
Sometimes my natural woman tries to rank people on God's love scale. Jesus. Adam. Joseph Smith. (insert bazillions of names here) Me. But really, how can I read accounts like Abinadi's and not realize Father loves us all? Jesus descended below all things for us. Adam fell for us. Joseph Smith lived and died for us. Given the choice between their suffering and the hope for our salvation, Father chose us.

I want to take my life and my agency in my hands and choose Him.

He's Home From Active Duty Tomorrow!

Hubby has been away for a month at the Maxwell Air Force Base in Alabama. I'm so ready for him to come home. I miss him more than I can even say ... almost more than I can feel. He is the highlight of my life, and I love it when he's close enough to touch.

I'd write more, but Chiara has been a little sick and right now she's crying from her room (45 minutes past her bedtime):

"Mommy ... please ... I want to snuggle with you, please. I'm having a hard time ... Mommy ... please."

How can I resist that?



Only my motherly love would ever have induced me to find, catch, accommodate, and feed 15 caterpillars. She LOVES those ugly little things. Now, I'm happy to report they are nestled in strange, reddish cocoons and I'm no longer afraid they will crawl out of their Tupperware container in the night and run rampant through my house.