My bad!

Oh my goodness ... I thought today was Saturday (it's Friday) and I was mad at Eldon all day for leaving me home alone on our only day we get to be together. :) I wrote the full story on our blog. I'll copy it here:

So MAD at him!
Today is Monday, which means yesterday was Sunday and the day before that was Saturday. However, all my days are pretty much the same so on Friday I became confused. I thought it was Saturday. Poor Eldon.

The confusion started on Thursday night when Eldon kissed me goodnight at 11:00pm while I was still feeding Chiara. It kind of ticked me off. I was thinking it was Friday night. Okay, Honey, it was fun playing house with you for a couple hours but why don't you go to sleep now and I'll just stay up with her like I ALWAYS do. Those were my thoughts ... not nice.

So the next morning the alarm goes off, which is odd, but Eldon had told me he was going to take one of his tests today so I figured he was going to do that before his volunteer work at 10:00am. Again, a little odd because he's not such a fan of the morning hours, but whatever. I was still ticked off from the night before (I'd gotten progressively madder at each nighttime feeding, so by morning I was full out angry ... I'd even put a pillow in between us lest he try to put his arm around me or something) so when I heard him get up I just stayed in bed. Then when he kissed my cheek goodbye I completely ignored him. He left and I just laid there fuming.(I have to defend myself for just one minute here. I'm not usually like this. I hardly ever get mad, and I think this is the first time in our entire marriage I've ever behaved this way. But I'd had several long nights in a row, Chiara had been cranky, I was exhausted, and my patience had been well spent. Okay ... moving on.)

I expected him home just after 12:00pm because that's when his shift gets over at the battered women's shelter where he volunteers. 12:30pm comes around and he's not home. 1:00pm comes and goes without any word. It's after 2:00pm and I'm livid. Can you imagine how I've been working myself up all this time as my daughter demands my attention and I'm spending "Saturday" alone like every other day of the week? Doesn't he know I wait all week for Saturday to spend time with him? Doesn't he know this is my only day when I'm not alone in the house all day? Doesn't he know he should at least call me to let me know his plan so I don't worry?? Suddenly my phone rings. It's him. I roll my eyes and answer.

"Hi." I say.
"Hey, how are you?"
"Fine. How are you?"
"Good. How's your day been?"
"Okay. What have YOU been doing all day?"
"I'm just studying. I think I'm going to try to take my test before work. I should be home around 7:15."
"Okay."
pause
"How's my girl?" he asks. That's nice of him, I think to myself sarcastically.
"She's fine. She's been a little fussy, but she just woke up from a good nap."
"That's good. Well, I love you, Honey, it's good to talk to you."
"I love you too."
"I'll see you in a few hours."
"Okay," I answer.
"Bye."
"Bye."

I close the phone and tears start streaming down my face. Seven? He's getting home at seven? I really am going to be here alone all day! I hug Chiara and just cry. I love spending time with her I just like when we're all home together as a family. It gets a little lonely.To my credit (ha ha) I'm not nearly as mad by the time seven comes around. I've made him a big dinner and it's hot right when he walks through the door. I walk over to give him a hug, silently congratulating myself for being so forgiving. :)

I just start right in mid-hug.

"I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye to you this morning."
"Yeah, you were pretty tired."
"Actually, I ignored you."
Eldon pulls out of the hug, smiling. "Really?"
"Yeah, I was mad at you for going to bed last night and leaving me to take care of Chiara by myself."
"I'm sorry, I waited for you."
"Whatever, you were sleeping by the time I came to bed."
"I'm sorry, Honey." he says in that sweet voice that lets me know he means it.
"I'm sorry too." I kiss him on the cheek and walk into the kitchen. "You must be starving, have you eaten anything all day?"
"Well, yeah, it's free lunch Friday." I turn to him with a spatula in my hand.
"But it's Saturday." I say. Eldon just looks at me with that face he does when he's trying to be nice but he really wants to laugh.
"Shell, I've been in class all day. It's Friday."

Oh my gosh. Suddenly I see the past 30 hours flash before my eyes. That means last night was Thursday night and he'd stayed up longer with me because Chiara was being fussy and not going to bed by 10:00pm like usual. That means this morning was Friday morning and he left at 7:30am for class. That means he called this afternoon just to say hi because I told him that I like when he does that. That means he took his test before work so he could get home by 7:15pm like normal. That means I'm a total jerk!!

"Oh, Honey," I said, wiping my hands off so I could hug him again. "I've been mad at you all day thinking it was Saturday and you just left me! I'm so sorry!"

We're both laughing at this point. He was laughing a little harder than I was. "I thought you sounded a little miffed on the phone. I'm so sorry you were mad." He just hugs me, and then as an afterthought he added, "This is not my fault!"

We laughed about that all night, and we've been telling the story to friends and family all weekend. "What a patient man I am!" Eldon says. He's right. :) But it was pretty funny.

New day

Today was a great day. I'm reaching my goals, feeling the Spirit, and relishing in the time I have with my daughter. It's hard to think that each day she's on her way to become a new more grown-up version of herself. I just want to hold her tiny little body in my arms for as long as I can. I'll miss these days ... I love them so much.

I love Conference

Craig, Savannah and Avery came over today between sessions to have lunch with us. It was so fun to have company again ... it's been just the three of us for such a long time.

I forgot to mention this yesterday, but Eldon took over 100% of Friday night's feeding and soothing baby sessions. So I literally stayed in bed all night and he did everything. My goodness I loved him for that. It isn't that Chiara is a burden or that taking care of her is an irritant ... I'm just so tired. It's hard to do it all when I'm healing so slowly. If I weren't in pain all the time it would be a lot simpler and easier. Anyway, I'm grateful for a selfless husband. His first sentence the next morning was, "That's exhausting." We laughed ... What can you do?

Lesson from Conference

The lesson, or maybe the answer I thought I didn't need, that I got from Conference was to simplify my life so I have time to nurture my spirit. I need to make time to study and pray like I once did. I need to get my hunger back.

Tears

Oh, today was a hard hard day. I'm crying, Chiara's crying, and I just want both of us to fall asleep and stay that way until we can wake up to a better life. I'd wanted to prepare a question to be answered during conference but I don't feel like I need answers ... I just need peace.

We live in an age od materialism, a materialism which has enthroned worldy things and ... that has even cast a shadow over our spirituality. --J. Reuben clark

Making peace

Eldon went to pick up my final project for the cowboy class I took last semester. I wrote all about my pain from years of Esplin family drama and coming to see things differently after reading all those cowboy books. I don't know what to do with it. But I'm going to send Grandma and Grandpa some pictures of Chiara. I need to let go of my anger. So I will. It's a waste of time to avoid doing the right thing ... Better to just square your shoulders and get it over with. :) Maybe I'll like it ...

After writing the above I went to check on Chiara. It's 8:30pm and the only sounds in our apartment are the drying cycle of the dishwasher and her cute little sleepy noises. When I looked down at my baby lying so peacefully in her crib I was absolutely overwhelmed with love for her. I love being a mommy. My goodness ...

Praying on my knees

I prayed on my knees for the first time in months today. Once I got to a certain point in my pregnancy it was just too painful, and then after Chiara was born I've been dealing with a new kind of pain. But tonight it felt good to kneel beside my husband and speak to God. we always pray in Italian too ... It's a good time of day.

This has been a period of a lot of changes for me, now that I think about it. last night at around midnight Chiara was crying and I didn't know what to do to console her. I was lying in bed, hearing her fuss, and the thought came to me that I should start wearing my garments again. With the complicated delivery I received a lot of stitches, and it's been a slow healing process. I have ointments and sprays and medicated patches to use, and when I wore my garments not only did they get terribly stained, but I didn't feel like my body received enough air. Sometimes I wished I could just go around the house naked -- it was so painful. So I received the prompting, and recognizing the source I resolved to start again in the morning. "No, now." I felt the voice say."But," I argued. "It won't matter to me if I wait until morning." I'd had a long day and I was not anxious to get back out of bed ... again. "It will matter to her." I thought I felt the voice tell me. Confused, but unable to to shake the feeling, I got out of bed, grabbed a pair of garments from my drawer, and made my way groggily to the bathroom, Chiara's soft cries ringing in my ears.

I don't mean to be dramatic, nor is it my intent to downplay what happened. All I know is that as soon as I'd put my garments on Chiara stopped crying. I was amazed. I'd even had the thought on my way to the bathroom, "What, will she just fall asleep as soon as I put these on?" But she did.

I've thought a lot about what happened and this is my conclusion: I'd felt the promptings to wear my garments many times in the last few weeks. But I seemed to always to find a justification not to listen. But as soon as He used Chiara as an incentive it got my attention enough for me to change. I think Father does that sometimes ... He takes your heart to a hard, lonely place to help you listen, to hear, and to repent. Even if that's not true for anyone else it was true for me last night. I'll never forget it.