Change of heart

Today was a hard day. Chiara was crying more than usual and it was heartbreaking for me to feel like I couldn't soothe her. I spiraled downward from being mildly sad in the morning to crying big, wretched tears on my way to work at 10:00pm. The worst part was knowing that my anger was directed heavenward. I just felt like Heavenly Father was bursting all my motherhood bubbles. Labor and delivery was terrible, my recovery was terrible, Chiara's birth complications were terrible, her acid reflux has been terrible, our hospital bills are terrible which means I had to go back to work as soon as I healed - which is terrible ... I just felt like this has been practically as hard as it could be. I've just been so tired and worn out, it didn't seem like I was being a good enough mommy, as if that's why Chiara cried all the time. Eldon has been so swamped with all his MCAT practice and studying and applications and shadowing/volunteering hours that I've felt very alone in all my distress as well, which is unfair to him because he does SO much to help me. He's constantly cleaning or doing laundry or taking care of Chiara if I need to rest while he's home. I don't know how to articulate my reasons for feeling overwhelmed, all I can say is that my life seemed dark to me and I yearned for light.

Tonight Chiara was screaming and wouldn't let herself fall asleep. I rocked her in the rocking chair while tears ran down my face. It's so hard for me when she cries like that. I just knew that I couldn't go to work if she hadn't calmed down yet. As I held her and watched her eyes slowly close and her crying subside to gentle little sighs I looked up and Eldon was watching me with a look of such sincere love and concern I had to look away. Isn't it interesting how we can resist love when we need it most? After several more minutes I kissed Chiara's little cheek and laid her in her crib. Eldon was standing behind me and as I turned around he took me in his arms and just held me. "I love you so much, Honey." he whispered.

We went into the kitchen to pack my bag for work (with everything I needed to pump during my 15-minute break) and I expressed my frustration. I admitted to feeling angry with God and hurt that my dreams of motherhood were so overwhelming in reality. He told me there were some articles in the Ensign I would probably like to read at work. But I didn't want to. At the door we bowed our heads and he offered the most supportive, loving prayer for me. To hear him ask the Lord to bless me with all the things I'd told him I was struggling with was so tender for me. I felt my heart soften and when I said amen I was filled with hope for the first time in days. Then he kissed me in a way that gave me goosebumps. I love when he does that. "Do you want to take the Ensign?" he asked. I nodded. I even went to the desk and picked up my scriptures. What a difference his love makes to me in my life.