Dreams

"What do you dream about? Explain a dream you've had recently without using the words 'I' or 'me'."

Reaching out in frantic panic while sleeping is probably not the healthiest of habits. But it's a habit nonetheless. Sometimes Chiara is falling off the bed, or out a window, or out of the car ... Sometimes she's being taken by strangers who don't love her or pray for her or know that she likes to be rocked to sleep until she's on the verge of sleep but not quite there yet. And if she cries after that she usually just needs a little more cuddle time. Who would know that but a parent? Kidnappers don't know what they're getting into. Also they deserve to go to hell.

There is a special place in mommy hearts that cannot not worry that a child will be lost. The same is true in a wife heart. Those two kinds of love come with a deep, almost unbearable vulnerability. Loss. What a terrible, terrible thing. No wonder then, that it stalks otherwise potentially enjoyable dreams.

Would it be possible, though, to love without the fear of loss? Not entirely. The door opens too wide and then anything can come through. Some are probably better at squelching the fear than others. If only.

What a lame post. It's 3:00am. Too many calls. Too much fatigue. Too much ... rusty brain.

I do have Chiara nightmares on almost a nightly basis, though. I wake Eldon up with my sudden gasps and lunges. Will it be like this for the rest of my life? Maybe.

One of the hard things about working nights is that I hardly ever get to lift her out of her dreams while she's still soft and groggy. I sleep when she does, so I don't wake up until she's crying because she's done being in the crib. I miss the cooing. I miss the sighs. I miss the tenderness.

I might cry right here at work.

Am I capable of decent fiction? I don't even know. I can write a personal essay with the best of them ("them" being other mediocre artists), but fiction? When I'm happy or sad or experiencing any kind of extreme emotion I lean toward poetry. Maybe I'm barking up the entirely wrong tree here.

word thoughts

What am I going to do with myself here? I'm just going to think ... I think. I have to get my little wheels turning, so I'm going to commit to spending a little time here every week, with the hope that it will eventually turn into a little time every day. That's how "real" writers do it, right? Like how real runners can't imagine going a day without it. It's like writing endorphins. I hope.

Continuing Courtship

Matthew 7:12 -- "all things" it says ... So I should never do anything I wouldn't want Eldon to do. Maybe that's the whole law because it can prevent so many problems. If I'm as considerate as I can be, with pure intent and not in a passive aggressive, trying to punish him kind of way, he'll be more happy. And I'll find joy in making him happy if I don't expect anything in return. It's the expectation, I think, that hurts my feelings. I should serve without an ulterior motive.

1 Corinthians 7:3 -- "due" benevolence ... that means they deserve to be treated well, just for being our spouse. They're our lovers, our stewardship, and our greatest blessing ... we can't forget that.

1 Corinthians 11:11 -- I picture this meaning that when I pray, or think, or do anything it's like Eldon and I are both doing it. Almost like in some small way I've taken his name upon me too. When I made that covenant we became the same flesh, and one entity in the Lord's mind. I've never thought about it that way before.

Ephesians 5:22 -- I've struggled with this one a bit. But what could it hurt? If something will make him happy, why not do it? If he wants apple pie and homemade bread, I should make them. If I can give him his way on something without sacrificing anything more than my own preference, that's something I can do. And I will. Worry that service will be one-sided is not enough of an excuse to not serve your SPOUSE.

Ephesians 5:25 -- Wives can give themselves for their husbands too. What a beautiful simile.

1 Peter 3:7 -- "heirs together of the grace of life" ... One reason spouses merit honor from each other is that we are joint heirs with Christ together. I'm lost in thought pondering how prayers would be hindered by a failure to offer that honor. The scripture that comes to mind is Christ telling the people that if they knew the Father they would know him too ... I'm sure when we lost track of who our spouse is we also lost sight of who God is. Which of course would hinder our communication with Him.

Jacob 3:7 -- Even unbelievers can achieve the kind of familial love we seek. How much easier should it be for us, then, who do believe?

D&C 25:14 -- "delight in thy husband" What can I do better with this? I can do as E. Bednar said and pray for the charity it takes to see his strengths with greater clarity than I see any weaknesses ... And then I can dwell on them, praising him as much as he can handle and keeping my criticism to a minimum. Like squelch it. I'd like him to delight in himself as a result of my love and adoration.

D&C 42:22, 25 -- What does it mean to love with all your heart? I think it might mean to use all your heart's energy to love rather than criticize, mock, or punish. I spend a lot of energy negatively. I need to be better.

D&C 130:2 -- Imagine a beautiful, life-changing mortal love when it is coupled with eternal glory in the world to come. That's something worth fighting for. That's something worth staying for. And if the same sociality exists between us then as now, we need to be especially careful how we treat each other. If we're not committed to our spouse in this life we won't be there, either, and when our eyes are opened that neglect will break our hardened hearts.

Church and a chat

I was in a cranky mood today. I hardly slept last night because I was so upset with my life and with Eldon that my mind wouldn't stop churning. Sundays are hard days anyway because it's hard for Chiara to be away from home and around so many people for such a long time. She gets wired because she can't sleep at church and then she crashes hard afterward, which means it throws off the night schedule a little too. Uugh.

Anyway, I was grouchy and Eldon and I had a little chat on the couch. I'm so critical of him sometimes. I basically told him he was selfish and that he shouldn't have gotten married if he didn't plan on working at it. He just got silent for a while and then said, "I'm so tired of being the bad guy." "Do you think I heap too much blame on you?" I asked. "No." he said, with a sad smile. Poor thing.

We hardly ever even talk these days. We're both so stressed and tired and overwhelmed with busy life that we don't have time for each other. He and I agree that we need to change that. I spent my whole shift tonight reading my scriptures and studying marriage and I'm so happy and hopeful right now I can't wait to talk to him about what I learned. He is a good, good man. Despite whatever weaknesses he (and I) have.