Dreams

"What do you dream about? Explain a dream you've had recently without using the words 'I' or 'me'."

Reaching out in frantic panic while sleeping is probably not the healthiest of habits. But it's a habit nonetheless. Sometimes Chiara is falling off the bed, or out a window, or out of the car ... Sometimes she's being taken by strangers who don't love her or pray for her or know that she likes to be rocked to sleep until she's on the verge of sleep but not quite there yet. And if she cries after that she usually just needs a little more cuddle time. Who would know that but a parent? Kidnappers don't know what they're getting into. Also they deserve to go to hell.

There is a special place in mommy hearts that cannot not worry that a child will be lost. The same is true in a wife heart. Those two kinds of love come with a deep, almost unbearable vulnerability. Loss. What a terrible, terrible thing. No wonder then, that it stalks otherwise potentially enjoyable dreams.

Would it be possible, though, to love without the fear of loss? Not entirely. The door opens too wide and then anything can come through. Some are probably better at squelching the fear than others. If only.

What a lame post. It's 3:00am. Too many calls. Too much fatigue. Too much ... rusty brain.

I do have Chiara nightmares on almost a nightly basis, though. I wake Eldon up with my sudden gasps and lunges. Will it be like this for the rest of my life? Maybe.

One of the hard things about working nights is that I hardly ever get to lift her out of her dreams while she's still soft and groggy. I sleep when she does, so I don't wake up until she's crying because she's done being in the crib. I miss the cooing. I miss the sighs. I miss the tenderness.

I might cry right here at work.

Am I capable of decent fiction? I don't even know. I can write a personal essay with the best of them ("them" being other mediocre artists), but fiction? When I'm happy or sad or experiencing any kind of extreme emotion I lean toward poetry. Maybe I'm barking up the entirely wrong tree here.