1 Nephi 7

• 1 Nephi 7:3 -- The sons of Lehi were commanded to go that distance that they might have covenant marriages. Think of the distances we are asked sometimes to go in these days. For some the distance is physical, but for many others it's a distance in time. So many wait years and years, refusing offers by those who cannot take them to the temple. Other distances are spiritual as young (and old) adults wade through tribulation and repentance in order to make their covenants. Anything, I think the verse means to teach us, is worth marrying in the temple. I don't think we even begin to grasp the magnitude of those covenants in mortality.
• 1 Nephi 7:6-7 -- When times are hard, even after spiritual experiences and manifestations, it's tempting to want to go back, to give up. Sometimes we're so afraid of what the future might bring that we forget our faith - or abandon it. Think of all the beautiful experiences Laman and Lemuel and their families had had up to this point. We must remember those times in our lives and let them, and our faith-founded hope, give us courage and strength to endure to the end. Heavenly Father won't let us break ... we'll survive.
• 1 Nephi 7:12 -- I love Nephi's testimony here. The Lord is able to do all things according to His will ... And only those who trust Him find comfort in that truth. If we don't trust Him and His goodness, how will we find peace in His care? Obedience teaches us the nature of God, and what we learn will always yield more trust in His character. It's one more way in which we receive a witness after the trial of our faith.
• 1 Nephi 7:17-18 -- I've hard general authorities speak of these verses differently than what I'll write here, but how do we know what's right? I read this and see that even Nephi didn't have his prayer answered the way he'd imagined or wanted. He wanted to "burst" the bands that held him, but instead the Lord saw fit to simply loosen them. Maybe I read it that way because of my own pride, but I think that happens with me sometimes. I pray for something that might magnify myself, or bring glory to myself, and instead the Lord shows me it's His power that brings the miracle and doesn't seem to need my assistance. Does that make sense? Sometimes the Lord gives us the strength to make changes, and other times He lets us see Him do it for us.
  
• 1 Nephi 7:19 -- I don't know how they determined this, but the footnote clarifies that Nephi married the daughter who showed courage and pleaded for justice from Laman and Lemuel. She and her mother must have made quite an impact on them because they stopped seeking Nephi's life after that. I just think of what that teaches the youth ... We're given moments to prove ourselves, and we have to snatch them. Nephi wouldn't have been happy married to a woman who was not his spiritual equal. And the only way to become an equal to a man like that (or to become a man like that) is to accept every opportunity the Lord gives us to be strong and faithful. Lots of us shun the fight more often than we even realize. In essence, we leave the Potter's wheel for a bit. But if we want to become we have to stay there ... especially during the painful times.
• 1 Nephi 7:21 -- Oh to have a heart that could frankly forgive like this ... It's a depth of humility I can't imagine. Truly that kind of gift comes only from the Spirit.
  

Thinking of you, my baby...

You're getting to be a lot bigger and stronger these days, precious girl. I feel you move around all the time now, and it makes you and your personality so much more real to me. I've never been a mommy before, but I can't tell you how often I think and pray about who I'm going to be for you when you finally come.

There are some promises I know I can make you:

I'll never raise my voice to you. You'll only hear soft-spoken words from me.
I'll read you the scriptures every day you're in my home.
I'll love you unconditionally ... you can count on that.
I'll love your father unconditionally ... you can count on that too.
I'll do my best to stay close to Heavenly Father ... you can trust me in that.

Maybe you know now how much I love you ... maybe the veil is still thin enough for you to understand what is happening. But there will come a time when the veil is closed to you, and then it will be my privilege and responsibility not only to prove my devotion to you, but also to teach you all I've learned of what you've forgotten. I'm anxious for that, Chiara. I'll learn all I can for you.

Talking with Grandma

I called Grandma today. She's so cute, I just adore her. She's so funny about all her opinions and her advice. She wrote me a letter once when she (and all the rest of the family) were nervous about a guy I was dating when it seemed like we were getting a little too serious for their liking. It made me mad at first, but after thinking about it for a few days I realized what it was; just a sincere attempt to help me motivated by pure love. She's such a darling, and I don't know what I would have done without her influence while I was growing up.

1 Nephi 6

This whole chapter, though it's only six verses, gives us a model for how we should build our lives. We should not labor to become pleasing to the world, but to God and those who love Him. The fullness of our intent should be to reflect Him in all our actions and thoughts. That is what brings others to Him -- trusting His disciples.

On my mission who I was mattered more to the people I taught than anything else I said. Sometimes I felt scrutinized to the very smallest details of my life and character, but that is just as it needed to be. My investigators, members, and companions needed to be able to trust me. A life like Lehi describes here is the only way ... We must have an eye single to the Father's glory and do as He would do.

And like Lehi I'll do all I can to instruct my children to give their lives to God. But like always my example will teach much more loudly than any words Eldon and I can speak.

1 Nephi 5

• 1 Nephi 5:1-2 -- I love the significance of motherhood in these verses. The breaking point for Sariah wasn't leaving Jerusalem, or their possessions, or the luxury of not living in a tent. Sariah broke when she thought she'd lost her sons. That was when the sacrifice seemed too great and she couldn't help being angry with her God. But we see in 1 Nephi 5:8 that she understands her debt to Him, and in expressing her gratitude for her sons' safety Sariah renews her commitment to God. It seems she never faltered again.
• 1 Nephi 5:4 -- I think all revelation is meant to teach us something about the nature of God. If we listen, and pay attention, He's there ... waiting to be seen. When He commands us to "learn of [Him]" I'm sure He offers us ample opportunity. And if we can see His goodness like Lehi did our devotion can increase dramatically.
• 1 Nephi 5:9 -- I hope ours is a marriage like that; full of joint commitment, joy and sacrifice to the Lord. I see Lehi and Sariah holding hands and weeping together here ... beautiful.
• 1 Nephi 5:20 -- So far they'd kept the commandments of the Lord. I hope I can always say that. Either I'll obey with exactness initially or I'll repent and obey from then on. It's imperative that we make constant obedience our goal.
  

Debt

I've been thinking a lot about debt. I took out a loan for my car. I took out a loan for my last year of college. And now, those choices have come back to haunt me and make my husband miserable. Eldon hates being in debt. It is one of the hardest things of my whole life to know that if I'd just been more frugal, if I'd made different choices, it would be one less thing on his plate to worry over and stress about.

I'm going to teach my children the importance of saving money, of going without luxuries, and being wise stewards over their finances. Debt is not a sin, but if it's avoidable it should be avoided. I think people can be too extreme about this topic, but it is imperative to be responsible. It's to do with character, and priorities, and self-perception. And my kids are going to be taught much better than I was taught about it.

The car is back

Bryce took me to pick up our car today, finally. I've been without a car for an entire week and it's so hard! I hate being stranded. Sometimes I just need to get out of this little house. Not because I don't like it, I just need a change of scenery! It's not my favorite to be cooped up here all day every day. I have a lot to do here, so I'm always really busy, but I'm used to a much more frantic pace of living so it's just a strange adjustment.

In fact, it makes me wonder how I'm going to deal with staying home with Chiara all the time when she's too little and fragile to really go anywhere. Actually, I take that back because I'll LOVE being a mommy and plus my own mom will be here for a while to keep me company. That will be SO fun! I'm so excited. I just can't wait for Chiara to come!

Nesting!

I'm ready to start nesting. I just want to set up the crib, get everything all organized, put the carseat in the car, and just prepare for our little Chiara. It's such a strong desire, I just can hardly wait! The only reason I'm delaying is that Eldon and I decided to wait until after our baby shower to get everything. But that afternoon he and I are going to get everything we can think of to get ready for her. :) That will be a fun day. An expensive day, but a fun one nonetheless. :) I'd like to go to IKEA too and get something cheap to store her clothes and everything in, since we don't have anything like that. We use four plastic drawers for our own dresser, so that kind of shows how low we are on furniture. Oh, it's fun to be newly married and have so little! It really is!

Need for silence?

Sometimes I think I need a little more silence in my life. My music tastes have changed so much just in the last year ... I don't really listen to anything but classical stuff and instrumental. Oh, and John Mayer. He's my one worldly artist I still like. :) But even then most of my music-listening I do in the car, and when I'm home I usually put on a talk to listen to while I clean or fold laundry or whatever else I have to do. But sometimes I think I just need to have more silence in my life. There's nothing wrong with just thinking to myself in the quiet of my home. I'm going to do that more often, I think. Heavenly Father talks to me through my thoughts a lot - I should probably make myself more available for that instruction.

Good Quote

"Atlas was permitted the opinion that he was at liberty, if he wished, to drop the Earth and creep away; but this opinion was all that he was permitted."

Is it sometimes enough to imagine oneself to be free? What did the Savior believe when He was in the garden? Did He imagine Himself free to refuse to drink the bitter cup? It was true, certainly, that He was ... but sometimes I think our freedoms can be so selfish, and so unthinkable that they are almost imaginary. We're free to do many things we would never do.

Inside and outside sweats

I have two pairs of sweats - one for outside and one for inside. :) I was thinking about that and how funny it is in an embarrassing kind of way ... so of course I'm writing it here. My black ones I wear while I'm lounging around the house, and the gray ones I wear when I go outside for something. The reason there needs to be a distinction is the snow factor. When I'm outside I get my pants all wet on the bottom from all the slush and snow, and since I don't want to a) track that through my house and b) feel the cold fabric slap my ankle incessantly, I switch to the black ones once I'm through the door.

Although, I stayed inside all day today so there was no need to change pants. Maybe that's why I thought of it. I did the following things today (that I consider relatively out of the ordinary ... not things like "cooked dinner"):

1. cleaned the kitchen
2. baked bread
3. took 2 online quizzes for my IS classes
4. finished my Wordsworth assignment
5. talked to the insurance people RE the car
6. talked to nurse RE my letter to the gym canceling my membership
7. did laundry
8. wrote a blog about Eldon's computer victory
9. talked to Mom on the phone
10. finished the third Fablehaven book (that Bryce got me for my birthday 4 months ago)

It's been a great day. One of my favorite things about myself is my determination not to waste time. I am getting to be a fantastic time-manager, which is a talent that needs to be developed I think. I haven't always been good at it and it frustrated me to no end. However, I'm getting better and I'm quite pleased.

Good Poem

I wandered lonely as a cloud
William Wordsworth

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed---and gazed---but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

1 Nephi 4

• 1 Nephi 4:1 -- Nephi gets it. He sees that there is no need to fear a man like Laban when they are on the Lord's errand, who is mightier than all the earth. Let us be faithful to that Being.
• 1 Nephi 4:6 -- Sometimes life is like that. What a fantastic opportunity to show our faith and see the hand of the Lord in our lives.
• 1 Nephi 4:10 -- It occurred to me this last reading, I'm not sure why, that this may have been a personal goal of Nephi's. In such a violent time I'm sure he'd made a commitment never to shed the blood of another person. I don't know how that might change anything, but I do know that in my own life there have been times when I have to relinquish my hold on something I've wanted or desired to accommodate the demands of the Lord and His gospel. Even little things like personal goals are significant sacrifices on His alter ... and I'm sure He appreciates it.
• 1 Nephi 4:13 -- It's not good, but it's better. Sometimes that's the choice we have to make: a choice between two unappealing options that are both hard.
  
• 1 Nephi 4:25 -- Why bid Zoram to come with him? Why not just take off? I know they didn't want soldiers to pursue them, but at this point there was no need for Zoram to think anything amiss. It wasn't until he saw Nephi's brothers that he got scared. The Lord prompted Nephi to invite him because that was His plan. He had a daughter waiting for him and everything. Zoram was meant to join Lehi's family.

Chiara?

I'm starting to have second thoughts about the name Chiara. So many questions go through my head! It's a huge responsibility to name a child ... my goodness. Will she like her name? Will she wish it were simpler, more common, easier for people to pronounce? Will she look like a Chiara when we meet her? Will she really be a girl, or should we find a boy name too - just in case? :)

It's so funny to me (and to Eldon) that I vacillate about this name thing so much. At first we really liked Arianna, but we decided it was too much of a mouthful. I like the names Grace, Lacy, Hope, and a bunch more I've written somewhere and forget. :) Eldon is set on Chiara, though, and has already attached "Bee" to the end as a kind of pseudo nickname. He makes me laugh. Honestly, I hope our marriage continues just the way it is - on a gradual uphill slope of wonderfulness - because it would be so fun for kids to see their parents as happy together as we are. I just love him.

Words from Wordsworth

Here are a few favorite quotes I've come across in my readings for my British Literary History class. William has the best last name for a writer I think I've ever heard ... and his words are beautiful in their simplicity.

Poetry is the breath and finer spirit of all knowledge; it is the expression which is in the countenance of all science. -Preface to Lyrical Ballads

But poets to not write for poets alone, but for men. Unless, therefore we are advocates for that admiration which depends upon ignorance, and that pleasure which arises from supposed height, and, in order to excite rational sympathy, he must express himself as other men express themselves. -Preface to Lyrical Ballads

I love to think, and when there is a writer who says things so beautifully and clearly that are so worth saying I get little tingles of joy from it. The scriptures do that to me too sometimes, and I love to take apart the language looking for the truth beneath it. The best verses (or sentences) are the ones where no peeling is required - the words match the light beneath them. I hope to write like that someday. I should really just start writing.

The Peacegiver, James L. Ferrell

This is one of the best books I've ever read on gospel principles. It's a little lame in a corny-Mormon-book kind of way, but I learned SO much from it. The way Brother Ferrell uses scripture stories to illustrate the principles was truly incredible. I think it's perfect for even the least literary-minded Saint to read and comprehend enough to make serious changes in their lives. That's what we need, I think. So many people are anxious to write to impress, while he seems determined to write to teach. I loved it.

In fact, I hope to do something similar someday when that season of my life comes. It won't be before I graduate, and it probably won't be before Eldon's out of Med School, but I'm preparing myself to be able to communicate the truths I learn in my personal study. I feel compelled to do so.

The Peacegiver, James L. Ferrell

This is one of the best books I've ever read on gospel principles. It's a little lame in a corny-Mormon-book kind of way, but I learned SO much from it. The way Brother Ferrell uses scripture stories to illustrate the principles was truly incredible. I think it's perfect for even the least literary-minded Saint to read and comprehend enough to make serious changes in their lives. That's what we need, I think. So many people are anxious to write to impress, while he seems determined to write to teach. I loved it.

In fact, I hope to do something similar someday when that season of my life comes. It won't be before I graduate, and it probably won't be before Eldon's out of Med School, but I'm preparing myself to be able to communicate the truths I learn in my personal study. I feel compelled to do so.

Daughter Bear

Mom always jokes that whenever any of her kids is in trouble her "mother bear" side comes out. During our last few phone calls she's told me about some things she's dealing with, social problems that bring her pain, and I feel my "daughter bear" side coming out. I wish everyone could see her the way I do. I wish women were a little less critical. I wish she could be a little more confident in herself so she were less vulnerable to the kinds of hurtful comments she receives sometimes - even from her friends!

The frustrating thing is that I don't know how to help her. I even feel a little smothered because she calls so often ... maybe because ours is the best friendship she has. She's certainly my best friend. We always know we're safe with each other and that is a breath of fresh air sometimes when either of us is struggling.

It's all I can do to keep myself from writing scathing blogs that I know certain women who have hurt her will read. I did write one, and quickly deleted it and replaced it with a much kinder version of the same topic. It's just hard to see someone you love and appreciate so much be treated badly. And I know that next month when I become a mommy I'll begin my journey to really understand what that means. :) I'm so excited to feel that kind of love. I think it will change my relationship with God.

Shoes

While we were in Arizona I asked Sharon if she had a pair of flat black shoes I could borrow to wear to church. My back had been aching like crazy over there and the only pair I'd brought was my brown boots. I apologized for inconveniencing her and she just laughed and told me she was flattered by my request. :) What a darling woman.

Anyway, I went to give them back to her that night and she asked if I'd felt comfortable in them. When I told her I had she insisted that I take them back to Provo with me. "They're yours." she said. I was hesitant to take them, but thanked her and accepted her offer. I'm SO glad I did! It's been snowy here and those are the only shoes I've worn for days. I think of her every time I wear them and I'm just so grateful to have gotten to know her better.

She was one of the hardest adjustments I had to make for this marriage. I really didn't like her at first. I feel awful saying it now, but I really didn't understand her. I resented her for a lot of things and blamed her for a lot of other things without seeing where she was coming from. I know it caused Eldon a great deal of suffering to see me dislike her the way I did. There were a few times I was so angry I couldn't even stand to be around her. But the Lord has a way of softening our hearts and He answered my prayers by softening mine enough to see her more clearly. My perspective is different now and it makes all the difference.

In admitting this I hope it's helpful to someone someday. I don't see the point in keeping a record that paints me as a flawless woman. I have my weaknesses. Although I must say I'm getting better at being happy despite them. Perfection is too far away to wait until then to enjoy myself.

Fire in the Bones, S. Michael Wilcox

Over the holiday I picked up a book off the Snyder's shelf called Fire in the Bones. It's written by one of my very favorite speakers, so I thought I'd give it a try. Brother Wilcox did an incredible amount of research and wrote the story of William Tyndale and the first translation of the Bible into English from the original Hebrew and Greek. While parts of it made me cringe and cry, I loved the appreciation I gained from learning Tyndale's story. I'm so grateful for brave and valiant men and women who sacrificed so much to create the climate this world needed for the Restoration to be successful.

I have a testimony of the light of Christ and of His love for all His children. I love seeing His hand working in the lives of the people during the apostasy.

Fire In the Bones, S. Michael Wilcox

Over the holiday I picked up a book off the Snyder's shelf called Fire in the Bones. It's written by one of my very favorite speakers, so I thought I'd give it a try. Brother Wilcox did an incredible amount of research and wrote the story of William Tyndale and the first translation of the Bible into English from the original Hebrew and Greek. While parts of it made me cringe and cry, I loved the appreciation I gained from learning Tyndale's story. I'm so grateful for brave and valiant men and women who sacrificed so much to create the climate this world needed for the Restoration to be successful.

I have a testimony of the light of Christ and of His love for all His children. I love seeing His hand working in the lives of the people during the apostasy.

A post from Eldon!

Hello, all you lucky people who get to be my family and be bound to me forever. I would just like to take this opportunity after our first Christmas together to tell you how much I love Mommy. She is such an angel in my life. I love her devotion to Chiara right now especially when it hurts her back so very, very much and it makes her throw up. She loves Chiara so much and it makes me fall in love with Mommy all over again. When I was looking for a wife I knew I wanted someone who would love our kids enough to have lots of them, stay at home with them, and be so sweet to them. Chiara has kind of tried her patience which means she has tried mine as well, but we are so excited to be able to shower baby Chiara with love and teach her how to repay Mommy's sacrifice for nine months. All we want is for you to find happiness in living the Gospel and applying the Atonement. We love Mommy so very, very much!

My natural woman

My mom once joked that her natural woman was a BIG woman. :) I laugh about that even now, years later, but I can't help but empathize with the feeling. Today this girl that I struggle to even look at without disdain (I know ... it's terrible) bore her testimony and after the meeting sought me out and said, "I saw you looking at me during my testimony. I hope my words touched you." It was so awkward. I just smiled. What else could I do? Words were out of the question. Then she asked when I was due and said, "Oh, is she kicking? Can I feel it?" and proceeded to put her hand on my stomach. Yuck. Way to invade my space bubble. I think I spoke kindly as I said she wasn't kicking yet and made some general comment about how excited I was to finally hold my baby. I couldn't leave fast enough. And there was Eldon, who knows I don't like her, standing to the side and looking at me while waiting for me to come to gospel doctrine with him.

I doubt Marjorie Hinckley had journal entries like this, but I have to be honest here. Sometimes I do not have Christlike feelings toward people. This girl absolutely drives me nuts. I'm so uncomfortable around her my skin crawls. I need to change my heart. I know she's a good person, and certainly worthy of love and friendship (because everyone is). Somehow I just need to develop enough charity to truly love people like her.

The ironic thing is that I felt this past month (Dec. 2007) that she and her husband needed financial help. So, I returned the Christmas presents I'd gotten myself (fabric to make Chiara a couple blankets and a paper cutter for my scrapbooking) at a HUGE sale at Joann Fabrics and Eldon and I gave that money to the bishop for them. It wasn't hard for me to do because I was doing it for Him. I felt the prompting and only cringed a little as I handed my darling fabric back to the lady helping me with the return. But I didn't do it for her ... and I wish I had. Somehow in my heart I need to find a way to do things not only for my love of the Lord but also out of love for His children. Can I really love the Lord if I don't love my neighbor? Probably not. At least not entirely. This will be something I strive to understand and become in the next months. I hope to be able to record later this year that this girl and I are friends.

I have so many things to work on, but how grateful I am to know the Lord will help me. And my sweet husband is so supportive. Eldon and I have never been happier together. We laugh and play and kiss and tease all the time. Our first year of marriage was full of hard moments, but we worked through them. I think the closeness we have now, the depth of our relationship, is due largely to the absolute dedication we demonstrated through those harder times. I'm so grateful for covenants, for hope, and for a Father in Heaven who watches over us and our marriage. I feel confident to receive Chiara next month, knowing that Eldon's and my love for each other will offer her such a warm and safe home. Our home is full of light, and I think she'll be happy here.

1 Nephi 3

• 1 Nephi 3:6 -- It takes faith not to murmur, and the Lord expects it of us. We are not to be a complaining people.
• 1 Nephi 3:7 -- If we can truly believe this principle, and live our lives by it, we can find that rest to our souls that the prophets speak of. We will never hesitate to accept a calling, raise a child, or heed a prompting. If there is one person in Whom we can always hope, it is our Father in Heaven. Hope is kind of a scary thing because we all fear disappointment so much. But He will never disappoint us, and we can obey His commandments knowing He will provide a way to accomplish the task at hand.
• 1 Nephi 3:19 -- Lots of things are windom in Him that we don't understand yet. But we can and I think we will someday. In the meantime let us exercise our faith and relish in the opportunity we have to obey without understanding! That is true discipleship. Blind faith is never actually blind, and those who say it is are listening to the lies of the adversary.
• 1 Nephi 3:24 -- The scriptures were worth all the gold and silver of Lehi's entire family. Do we treat them that way? Do we hold them sacred? Do we read them often enough and with appropriate intentions? Are we grateful enough?
  
• 1 Nephi 3:31 -- Even seeing an angel wasn't enough to stop Laman and Lemuel from murmuring! And even after seeing that divine manifestation that should have increased their trust in God and His power, they still feared man more than God. They were more afraid of Laban and his army than God and His angels. Interesting ... seeing is not enough to ensure testimony! That can only be achieved by the Holy Ghost. He's the only one with that power. So hoping and praying for divine manifestations is a waste of time and effort. What we should do is pray to have the Spirit with us to teach us what we need to learn.
  

1 Nephi 2

• 1 Nephi 2:1 -- I'd never noticed this before, but here we see Lehi being praised by heaven for what he has done. We emulate the faithful obedience of Nephi, but I think we have evidence here of where Nephi learned his "go and do" attitude. He had a "go and do" father!
• 1 Nephi 2:7 -- Even in the midst of their trial they gave thanks to the Lord. Most of us, I think, wait until the tribulation is over and then we feel gratitude for the hand of the Lord in our lives. I imagine that where there is gratitude during affliction there is the greatest faith and humility.
• 1 Nephi 2:12 -- We know that those who murmur simply don't understand the nature of God. That is why it's imperative for us to learn all we can of Him that we can be spared the burden of disbelief and exercise more faith. I think that's one of the reasons Christ's burden is light, because He knows the Father so well.
• 1 Nephi 2:16 -- I love this: it's not that Nephi didn't ever feel the temptation to harden his heart. We see evidence of it right here! But the blessing that saved him was his desire to know the mysteries of God and his willingness to seek answers to his prayers. Alma teaches us that if we can no more than desire to believe we should let that desire work in us, not our fear or our doubt. That is exactly what Nephi does in this verse. Incredible.

1 Nephi 1

• 1 Nephi 1:1 -- Having affliction is not evidence of having fallen from favor with God. The opposite in fact is true. The Lord chastens those He loves, and offers us a chance to grow from our trials. It's cliched, but true nonetheless. Also, being a goodly parent consists of teaching a child all you know. And I'd submit that part of that responsibility is the responsibility to learn. Someone once said that children never recover from the ignorance of their mothers. It's also been proven that what a child is taught before their eighth birthday is likely to stay in their minds for the duration of their lives. I take that as a serious and honorable challange to learn all I can that I might be fit to teach my children the doctrines of the kingdom before they are eight years old. Primary will not be a place for learning, but for review.
• 1 Nephi 1:3 -- "according to my knowledge" All we can do is our best. If we are living in accordance to the light we've received we are doing all God requires of us. He will then grant us more light, and more light, until the perfect day (D&C 50).
• 1 Nephi 1:7 -- I appreciate that Sariah had made a home where Lehi could come to feel peace and find rest. Her home served those who lived there as a sanctuary, and I admire that. I hope to do the same.
• 1 Nephi 1:15-16 -- The more we learn of God the more prone we are to praise Him. I love the comfort in knowing that if ever we have distressing feelings or thoughts toward our Father in Heaven we can know with a perfect surety that there is something we don't understand, and that if we did understand our feelings would change. His ways are not our ways, nor His thoughts our thoughts ... Sometimes I think we treat Him as if He were mortal and we hold Him to our own standard of unenlightened understanding.
• 1 Nephi 1:18 -- Conversion leads to charity, which often encourages us to testify. The Lord told Peter that when he was converted he was to strengthen his brethren. I think it might be a built-in mercy that our natural reaction is to share our own conversion with others.
• 1 Nephi 1:20 -- His "tender mercies" are truly manifest in the lives of those who trust Him. Not because He favors the faithful - we know it is against His nature to be a respecter of persons - but because their faith allows Him to do that which He yearns to do: bless them and strengthen them. He is bound by eternal laws that only give Him access to hearts and lives of faith. To them He is a God of miracles.
  

Organization

I love feeling like my home is organized. I got everything put away from our trip, did the laundry, washed the sheets, and shopped for groceries. My next task is to get this house Chiara-ready, and by that I mean dejunking it so when we have all her things in here it won't seem like a bomb went off. :) We just don't have very much storage space here. I'd rather go without something than let it clutter my home. That's probably a little extreme, but I can't help it.

We spent some time with John this morning, getting him all moved into his apartment and taking him with us to Macey's for food. I think I saw him buy peanut butter, jelly, bread, cheese, tortillas, chips, and salsa ... It was truly a bachelor purchase. :) He said he just didn't know what to get and made Eldon and me laugh as he went from overwhelmed to confused to focused to apathetic about his food choices. What a darling kid.

Camilla and I spent the afternoon doing errands. I had gift cards to Kohl's and Old Navy, but didn't find anything I was looking for so came away empty-handed. I did, however, manage to exchange a manual at the Distribution Center that we had two of for the CD-Rom of the scriptures, which will be a GREAT help with my study program. Have you ever heard of that "Pursuit of Excellence" pamphlet for the women of the church? I was given one from the mission home as I was released. I decided to pick it up again and do the challenges I didn't do before - and repeat my favorites. 2009 is going to be the first year I follow the gospel doctrine schedule in my personal study throughout the week. Doctrine and Covenants here I come! I'm excited to do it. I'm not much of a chronological scripture studier - I prefer studying topically - so this will be the second time in my life I'll read the D&C all the way through. I'll probably supplement it with the manuals and some church history books because I'm terrible with names and dates of early church leaders and events. Anyway, I'm excited for this new goal. Hopefully I do well with it.

Eldon, Camilla and I watched Errand of Angels together tonight and it was such a darling little movie. It's so interesting how different the challenges can be between Elders and Sisters. Our roles as men and women are so different, it's encouraging how the Lord can use the same means to prepare us for both. I'm a different wife and I will definitely be a different mommy now than I would have been had I never served my mission. The movie made me laugh and cry as I remembered the things I'd learned from the experiences I'd had. All of life is like that, I suppose.

Driving home and faith

While I was driving on our way home I hit a huge rock that had fallen from the canyon wall on the right side of the road. It damaged our shift box (the thing that makes it possible to change gears from park to reverse to drive, etc) and I couldn't start the car up again. Someone stopped to help us and because thee was no phone reception there in the canyon they drove Eldon 30 miles to town to call a tow truck. John and I stayed in the car to wait. While we were waiting I asked him what he thought about faith. I admitted that I didn't think I really understood it. While he and Eldon had been checking the car after we hit the rock and then talking with the people who stopped, I'd been praying in the car that we'd be able to start up again. But we didn't. We didn't get on our way again for another four hours. Now why was that? Was it just not the will of the Lord that our car should be fine, or was it a lack of faith on my part (or any of our parts)?

I came to the tentative conclusion that if we can have the faith to pray for a specific blessing, knowing the Lord can give it to us, and then cheerfully accept whatever answer He does give us, we're exercising faith. Until my will is totally aligned with His, which may or may not ever actually happen in this lifetime, I cannot expect to only pray for that which it is already His will to give me. His ways are not my ways, His thoughts are not my thoughts. But if I can cheerfully to all things that lie within my power - such as the decision to pray and the self-control to not resent the answers that come - I am exercising all the faith it is possible for me to exercise in that moment. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but for now this is my opinion. Faith is things hoped for but not seen. I hope that there is truly a God in heaven ordering all things for my good as fast as I'm able to receive them. And I demonstrate my faith when I live as if that is true.

Resolutions!

I decided that this year I'm absolutely going to write in my journal every day. I hesitate to do this electronically, but I think it's the most practical. I'll still write some things in my physical journal, but I'll at least write a line or two here every day. Here is my complete list of resolutions:

Shelli's

• Write in journal every day (record keeping woman)
• Study scriptures for at least 30 minutes a day
• Personal prayer on my knees morning and night
• Lose baby weight! (back to at least 130 lbs)

1. no sugar unless special occasion
2. daily exercise - walking, working up to jogging
3. 1200 calories
4. lots of water and vitamins
5. positive reinforcement for SELF
6. prayer for help and encouragement

• Write in Eldon's "love book" daily
• Read one "classic" a month
• Always do Visiting Teaching!
• Write bi-weekly talks on scripture study and thoughts

Eldon's

• No more complaining

Couple

• Weekly FHE
• Couple scripture study nightly
• Couple prayer (kneeling) nightly
• Temple once a month (first Friday night)
• One fun activity a month!

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