I called her

This morning I called Eldon's mom just to talk. I've been thinking a lot about it and I realized that it's not okay for me to have such negative feelings towards her. It was a problem with me, not with her. So I've been praying for a change of heart and an ability to appreciate her. Over the last few days I've been having a feeling that I should call her. I know she's excited about her newest grandbaby and we really haven't talked to his family too much about it ... Mostly we talk to my family because it's the first on that side and my parents are a lot more exuberant about these things. :) I've put off calling with the excuse that it wouldn't be a good time, or whatever. But this morning the prompting came and I knew it was time. So I called, and we chatted easily for over 20 minutes. She told me that she'd been wanting to call me too, and I could tell it had meant a lot to her that I'd make the effort to contact her first. I really find myself loving her. I may not understand certain things, but I'm far too ready and willing to criticize than what is Christlike and acceptable. So I'm going to change that about myself.

Somewhere inside me is a sweet, soft-spoken woman who loves and forgives easily. I need to find her and let her take over my heart. I've been feeling that tug in my mind for a long time. I'm certain that if I will continue to pray and read my scriptures the Lord will be able to give me a new heart and change my attitude to be more fitting of the roles I will need to fill here. I'm so hopeful that He truly will help me ... and our family will greatly benefit from it.

Chiara on my mind...

I'm just thinking of Chiara and how it's going to be to finally hold her ... after all this time. I don't just mean after all these months of pregnancy, I mean after all these years of yearning to be a mother and wanting to have children almost more than I wanted anything else in my life. I was telling Eldon the other night that wanting to be a mother came so naturally to me growing up that I had to really focus my attention on becoming a woman who would be a good wife. I knew being a wife came first, and that it was the most important relationship in my life, but it took a little more conscious effort to pursue than the desire for children. I'm not sure why that is.

But as I sit here, 9 days from our due date, sore and huge, I'm just so grateful for the chance I have to be a mother. It's interesting that my absolute love and joy of being a wife to such a good man has increased my desire for children and added to my faith that raising them in this world is possible. I'd had such a limited view of what parenting would be before I got married. I am a different woman after this last year of marriage, and I'll be a different mother too. Being Eldon's wife has cast a glow on my mothering dream in a way I can't describe ... and won't describe. I just hope that my own daughters will find such a man to accompany them through parenthood. He's more than I ever imagined a husband could be for me.

Hearing the Voice of the Lord, Gerald N. Lund

Grandma gave us this book for our wedding (with a huge check) and I just read it. Elder Lund offered so many insights that were incredibly helpful for me. In my ignorance I'd wondered how you could write an entire book explaining how to receive personal revelation, but it held my attention the entire way through. He shares so many stories and quotes that make his points clear and powerful.

I put this book back on the shelf with a resolve to not only seek more personal revelation but also to exercise the faith it takes to act on what I receive. We will not receive promptings in addition to the ones we choose to consistently ignore.

I love my husband

I was pretty emotional this morning. Sometimes, with Eldon being gone so much, and then being unavailable when he is here, I feel so alone I almost can't bear it. I spend my whole day loving him and then it's easy to feel like there's not too much love coming back my direction because he's too busy to show it. Not that I don't understand that he's working so hard scholastically out of love for me and our future family, because I do, but it's not the kind of romantic affection that I need sometimes. Then this morning as I crocheted a blanket for Chiara I was thinking that when she comes I'll have two people in my life who I love all day and can't really love me back. I felt my loneliness increase just thinking about it and that made the tears come.

Eldon doesn't have class Thursday morning so he studies here for a couple hours before going to campus. So he was on the computer while I was having my little meltdown and I walked over to him and just asked him to hold me for a minute. He held me for a long time and when I pulled away there were fresh tears on my cheeks. I smiled and turned to walk back to the couch but he followed me and pulled me back into his arms.

"Are you lonely?" he asked me. All I could do was nod against his chest. He held me a little tighter and then led me over to the couch and pulled me close. I snuggled against him and just cried. He held me like that for a long, long time, and then he started kissing me. At first they were sweet and tender and then he became more passionate with me and my whole body responded to him. The way he was touching me was just heaven. I love how he loves me. Those moments of affection meant so much and I was walking on air for the rest of the day. How I appreciated him taking all that time away from his studies to make sure my needs were met. Sometimes I just need a bit of attention, and he tries so hard to be sensitive to that. I just love him with all my heart. And when we made love tonight it was spectacular. He is my favorite part of my life.

Worrying

I've never been too much of a worrier, but I've been agonizing over something recently that I can't get over. I really wonder if my husband is happy. He seems so melancholy to me these days - even more than usual. I worry that he's discontent, that his life isn't joyful, that his burdens are so heavy his spirit is dying and he's not saying anything about it to me. He's really not one to talk about his feelings or what's going on in his mind, which absolutely drives me crazy. :) I'm such an open book that it surprises me that it's not a natural inclination for everyone to share their whole heart and all its activities with their spouse. :) Sometimes I lie in bed at night and talk and talk and talk ... And then I catch myself and check first to see if he's still listening and second to see if I'm torturing him. :) But he always says, "I like listening, Shell." I do too ... I wish he'd give me something to listen to!

His life is literally filled to the brim with classes, work, volunteering, and MCAT preparation. I rarely see him for more than a few hours a day. Like four hours. One before he goes out the door and maybe three between him getting home and going to sleep. I know he hates it. But I worry that he can't still find joy somewhere. I feel like I'm kind of miserable too ... I'm achy and tired all the time, I spend my days alone cleaning my house, doing homework, and running errands - all of which are hard with my belly because I can't ever get comfortable - but I still find so much joy in my life! I wonder why Eldon doesn't seem to be able to do the same.

And then I think of his mother and I silently blame her (I honestly do) for raising Eldon to do his duty all the time without ever teaching him how to enjoy the journey. She doesn't seem like a happy woman to me, and when Eldon seems gloomy it reminds me of her. And then I get mad. I think one of the things I'm going to have to teach him myself is that if we have humble, grateful hearts and a willingness to try, we really can be happy - even during our hard times. It makes me so angry that his home wasn't a home of joy. It's like he doesn't even know what that feels like! Mine, on the other hand, was full of laughter and fun all the time. What a difference! And the mother sets the tone; so I'm going to have to make sure that's a priority for my home. I hope that mood will permeate my husband's and children's hearts and they can find joy here.