Worrying

I've never been too much of a worrier, but I've been agonizing over something recently that I can't get over. I really wonder if my husband is happy. He seems so melancholy to me these days - even more than usual. I worry that he's discontent, that his life isn't joyful, that his burdens are so heavy his spirit is dying and he's not saying anything about it to me. He's really not one to talk about his feelings or what's going on in his mind, which absolutely drives me crazy. :) I'm such an open book that it surprises me that it's not a natural inclination for everyone to share their whole heart and all its activities with their spouse. :) Sometimes I lie in bed at night and talk and talk and talk ... And then I catch myself and check first to see if he's still listening and second to see if I'm torturing him. :) But he always says, "I like listening, Shell." I do too ... I wish he'd give me something to listen to!

His life is literally filled to the brim with classes, work, volunteering, and MCAT preparation. I rarely see him for more than a few hours a day. Like four hours. One before he goes out the door and maybe three between him getting home and going to sleep. I know he hates it. But I worry that he can't still find joy somewhere. I feel like I'm kind of miserable too ... I'm achy and tired all the time, I spend my days alone cleaning my house, doing homework, and running errands - all of which are hard with my belly because I can't ever get comfortable - but I still find so much joy in my life! I wonder why Eldon doesn't seem to be able to do the same.

And then I think of his mother and I silently blame her (I honestly do) for raising Eldon to do his duty all the time without ever teaching him how to enjoy the journey. She doesn't seem like a happy woman to me, and when Eldon seems gloomy it reminds me of her. And then I get mad. I think one of the things I'm going to have to teach him myself is that if we have humble, grateful hearts and a willingness to try, we really can be happy - even during our hard times. It makes me so angry that his home wasn't a home of joy. It's like he doesn't even know what that feels like! Mine, on the other hand, was full of laughter and fun all the time. What a difference! And the mother sets the tone; so I'm going to have to make sure that's a priority for my home. I hope that mood will permeate my husband's and children's hearts and they can find joy here.