I'm a violin

I've been reading this great talk by Sandra Rogers entitled Rise to the Divinity Within You and I felt something about the Atonement I haven't felt so clearly before. He knows what it feels like for me to sleep-deprived, overburdened and depressed. He knows how it feel for me to feel disappointed in myself and like I'm regressing in my spirituality. His experiences weren't general, they were personal. He's not comparing me to others' situations because He doesn't have to. He knows me. Shelli. Wife and mother and self. And I love Him for it. I love Him for taking that depth of suffering into his heart so He could understand me when I cry to Him. He felt what it was like to have my imperfect heart in His perfect chest for a moment in time, and nto only does He love me anyway, but He forgives me for my weakness. He knows how hard self-pity tugs at my mind, how covetousness seeps into my heart, how self-loathing soils my idle hands.

Sister Rogers compares us all to violins. That is to say, we are all violins but we don't all make the same kind of music. I want to place myself whole-heartedly in the Master's hands and let His will sound in my every thought and deed. I want His melodies to resonate in my life and fill the lives of those I love with joy. I want to be a light like He is. I want to love like He does. I want to want what He wants. And I feel closer to that reality with the realization that He knows exactly how it feels to be me. He knows how heavy the burden feels on my back, and how hard it is not to cry. He will help me. I know it. He will give me a new heart.

Daughter of the Forest, Juliet Marillier

This is my favorite book of all time, I think. There's a little bit of nasty stuff in it, but  I love it for the love between Sorcha and her six brothers, the capacity of men for true gentleness and also rage, the truth about the frailty of quick judgment, the beauty of nature, and a dozen other things. Sorcha is one of the strongest women characters I've ever read. Her depth of compassion, humility, and insight astounds me each time I read this book. She is fictional - so hypothetical - evidence that women can be strong and gentle, firm and kind, capable and tender. I love her. I want to be like her. I wish she were real so I could be her best friend. Every now and then there's a book you read that makes you ache with a longing you can't quite put your finger on. This book is that way for me. I want to lose myself for a while in faery tales and mossy trees. I want to write fiction and poetry and just sit silently for a long, long time. It makes me want to pray and to ponder, to serve and to become someone truly great. Sorcha reached her potential within her beliefs that I want to reach within mine.

Lemon Tart, Josi Kilpack

What a darling book this was. I read it for a book club and loved it. The mystery genre had never especially interested me, but this makes me think I might like it if I tried a few more.

The main character was a sweet lady with a lot of endearing spunk. She spied on her neighbors all the time and was a therapeudic baker of goodies. :) The best part of the book, though, was the recipes. The lemon tart recipe has become Eldon's and my favorite dessert!

I'd let my children read this book. There is adultery in it, but it is not the least bit graphic and certainly paints it in a terrible light, so I don't think it's dangerous.

Eldon's Promise

For Eldon's birthday I gave him an intangible gift of self. I promised him I would not eat sugar or go a day without exercising for an entire year ... so until his 25th birthday. It was meant to be a gift of a healthy, and hopefully more beautiful wife. I so want to be thin and delicate for him.

Anyway, I'm going to keep a weekly log on here. So every Monday I will weigh in, and every first Monday of the month I will take a picture of myself in the same outfit. Another hope is that I can get super healthy so  when we have another baby -- hopefully soon -- I'll be more prepared for her.

Health is so important. I want our children to grow up with strong testimonies of the sanctity of their little bodies and good, healthy habits. It's a legacy I want desperately to pass on. I want family activities to include outdoor sports with fruits and vegetables for snacks. So a year of detox will be great for me, I think. I could tell it meant a lot to Eldon that I would do this. It was his favorite gift.

Something I want to do. Soon.

There are few instincts more natural than the body in full motion as it races across a field or through the trees.

Neal Bascomb, The Perfect Mile

Body For Life

I've made small progress with the goal I set on my birthday. I've lost a few pounds, but it's been almost two months ... I could have done more with this time.

So, I'm reading Body for Life. He's challenging me, and I want to say yes. Yes to living, yes to health, and yes to feeling good about myselff again. One mother's testimonial said she felt that because she felt better about herself after getting healthy, her kids felt better about themselve too. I don't want to pass on a legacy of self-doubt and insecurity. By the time Chiara has memories, I need them to be filled with a healthy mommy.

Yes. My answer is yes.

Here are his questions and my answers:

Have you made the decision to change? Yes.

What are your reasons for making the decision to change? My self and my family. I want to have a healthy body and a matching spirit. I want Eldon to have a beautiful wife. I want Chiara (and future children) to have a confident mommy. It's not as much about looking beautiful, as it is about carving out a beautiful, disciplined character. That will be so attractive to Eldon. It will make such a positive difference to me in all aspects of my life - especially spiritual and mental. I'll be able to trust myself again. That's what I want.

What are the five most important, specific accomplishments you need to make within the next 12 weeks, for you to be pleased with the progress of your body and life?

1. I need to be able to say I gave it 100% every day of every week - 12 times.
2. I need to lose 20 pounds of fat.
3. I need to run two miles without stopping.
4. I need to fit into smaller clothing.
5. I need to be proud of myself.

What three patterns of action might prevent you from reaching your goals?

1. I will stop blaming my job for my failures.
2. I will stop eating foods that are bad for me.
3. I will stop staying indoors all day.

Which three new patterns do you need to establish to reach your goals?

1. I will start going to the gym Monday through Saturday.
2. I will take Chiara outside when weather is good.
3. I will keep good, healthy foods on hand.

Dreams

"What do you dream about? Explain a dream you've had recently without using the words 'I' or 'me'."

Reaching out in frantic panic while sleeping is probably not the healthiest of habits. But it's a habit nonetheless. Sometimes Chiara is falling off the bed, or out a window, or out of the car ... Sometimes she's being taken by strangers who don't love her or pray for her or know that she likes to be rocked to sleep until she's on the verge of sleep but not quite there yet. And if she cries after that she usually just needs a little more cuddle time. Who would know that but a parent? Kidnappers don't know what they're getting into. Also they deserve to go to hell.

There is a special place in mommy hearts that cannot not worry that a child will be lost. The same is true in a wife heart. Those two kinds of love come with a deep, almost unbearable vulnerability. Loss. What a terrible, terrible thing. No wonder then, that it stalks otherwise potentially enjoyable dreams.

Would it be possible, though, to love without the fear of loss? Not entirely. The door opens too wide and then anything can come through. Some are probably better at squelching the fear than others. If only.

What a lame post. It's 3:00am. Too many calls. Too much fatigue. Too much ... rusty brain.

I do have Chiara nightmares on almost a nightly basis, though. I wake Eldon up with my sudden gasps and lunges. Will it be like this for the rest of my life? Maybe.

One of the hard things about working nights is that I hardly ever get to lift her out of her dreams while she's still soft and groggy. I sleep when she does, so I don't wake up until she's crying because she's done being in the crib. I miss the cooing. I miss the sighs. I miss the tenderness.

I might cry right here at work.

Am I capable of decent fiction? I don't even know. I can write a personal essay with the best of them ("them" being other mediocre artists), but fiction? When I'm happy or sad or experiencing any kind of extreme emotion I lean toward poetry. Maybe I'm barking up the entirely wrong tree here.

word thoughts

What am I going to do with myself here? I'm just going to think ... I think. I have to get my little wheels turning, so I'm going to commit to spending a little time here every week, with the hope that it will eventually turn into a little time every day. That's how "real" writers do it, right? Like how real runners can't imagine going a day without it. It's like writing endorphins. I hope.

Continuing Courtship

Matthew 7:12 -- "all things" it says ... So I should never do anything I wouldn't want Eldon to do. Maybe that's the whole law because it can prevent so many problems. If I'm as considerate as I can be, with pure intent and not in a passive aggressive, trying to punish him kind of way, he'll be more happy. And I'll find joy in making him happy if I don't expect anything in return. It's the expectation, I think, that hurts my feelings. I should serve without an ulterior motive.

1 Corinthians 7:3 -- "due" benevolence ... that means they deserve to be treated well, just for being our spouse. They're our lovers, our stewardship, and our greatest blessing ... we can't forget that.

1 Corinthians 11:11 -- I picture this meaning that when I pray, or think, or do anything it's like Eldon and I are both doing it. Almost like in some small way I've taken his name upon me too. When I made that covenant we became the same flesh, and one entity in the Lord's mind. I've never thought about it that way before.

Ephesians 5:22 -- I've struggled with this one a bit. But what could it hurt? If something will make him happy, why not do it? If he wants apple pie and homemade bread, I should make them. If I can give him his way on something without sacrificing anything more than my own preference, that's something I can do. And I will. Worry that service will be one-sided is not enough of an excuse to not serve your SPOUSE.

Ephesians 5:25 -- Wives can give themselves for their husbands too. What a beautiful simile.

1 Peter 3:7 -- "heirs together of the grace of life" ... One reason spouses merit honor from each other is that we are joint heirs with Christ together. I'm lost in thought pondering how prayers would be hindered by a failure to offer that honor. The scripture that comes to mind is Christ telling the people that if they knew the Father they would know him too ... I'm sure when we lost track of who our spouse is we also lost sight of who God is. Which of course would hinder our communication with Him.

Jacob 3:7 -- Even unbelievers can achieve the kind of familial love we seek. How much easier should it be for us, then, who do believe?

D&C 25:14 -- "delight in thy husband" What can I do better with this? I can do as E. Bednar said and pray for the charity it takes to see his strengths with greater clarity than I see any weaknesses ... And then I can dwell on them, praising him as much as he can handle and keeping my criticism to a minimum. Like squelch it. I'd like him to delight in himself as a result of my love and adoration.

D&C 42:22, 25 -- What does it mean to love with all your heart? I think it might mean to use all your heart's energy to love rather than criticize, mock, or punish. I spend a lot of energy negatively. I need to be better.

D&C 130:2 -- Imagine a beautiful, life-changing mortal love when it is coupled with eternal glory in the world to come. That's something worth fighting for. That's something worth staying for. And if the same sociality exists between us then as now, we need to be especially careful how we treat each other. If we're not committed to our spouse in this life we won't be there, either, and when our eyes are opened that neglect will break our hardened hearts.

Church and a chat

I was in a cranky mood today. I hardly slept last night because I was so upset with my life and with Eldon that my mind wouldn't stop churning. Sundays are hard days anyway because it's hard for Chiara to be away from home and around so many people for such a long time. She gets wired because she can't sleep at church and then she crashes hard afterward, which means it throws off the night schedule a little too. Uugh.

Anyway, I was grouchy and Eldon and I had a little chat on the couch. I'm so critical of him sometimes. I basically told him he was selfish and that he shouldn't have gotten married if he didn't plan on working at it. He just got silent for a while and then said, "I'm so tired of being the bad guy." "Do you think I heap too much blame on you?" I asked. "No." he said, with a sad smile. Poor thing.

We hardly ever even talk these days. We're both so stressed and tired and overwhelmed with busy life that we don't have time for each other. He and I agree that we need to change that. I spent my whole shift tonight reading my scriptures and studying marriage and I'm so happy and hopeful right now I can't wait to talk to him about what I learned. He is a good, good man. Despite whatever weaknesses he (and I) have.

Humbly sinful

Brother Farrell offers some thought-provoking insight into the process of self-justification. He says that because our innate attributes are godly - full of light and truth -- we feel a subconscious need to distort our reality in an effort to retain our claim on some of that goodness within us. We want to be righteous, we want to be good, so we reason with our sins and offer excuses for our behavior that deflect blame. His example is Adam and Eve's reaction to the Lord's discovery of their choice to eat the forbidden fruit. They both blamed another. Farrell says we do the same thing in our lives, and it's that denial of responsibility that creates a hardness in our hearts that doesn't feel a need for a Savior to forgive us. If we don't see ourselves as guilty we don't see Him as a necessary figure in our salvation. What an incredible idea. "Losing sight of our sinfulness, we lose sight of our need for the One who has come to heal the sinner" (23). It's the beginning of turning our hearts away from Him, serving another master, and forgetting who we truly are. I wish I could say I don't do this.

Sarah, Marek Halter

I love the Old Testament. Sometimes I am in awe of what the women went through and other times I'm appalled. I'm trying to understand the times and the culture better so my judgments are fair and accurate. Sarah's is a story that has broken my heart for years. I've never been able to reconcile offering a handmaid to one's husband, but now that I'm married it's especially difficult for me to grasp. I try to look at it as the ultimate symbol of love and trust - love for a husband and trust in his love. It also suggests the extreme importance and blessing of children. I doubt there are women who would care so much in our day whether their husbands became fathers. But there enters also the role of the covenant and promise of the Lord that Abram (I almost typed Eldon) would have a numerous posterity. Putting aside my ignorance and criticism, I love Sarah. I've always loved her. And I love Abraham, knowing he must deserve her.

Royal Target, Tracy Hunter Abramson

I'm reading this for one of my book clubs. I'm actually really enjoying it. The author was in the CIA for a while before she started writing, so she knows a lot about the subject matter. I love reading books when I can tell the author has first-hand experience. It really bothers me when they write about something they read in a book or online and the information is superficial and unreliable. That's how I wrote a lot of my essays in college, and it always bothered me that I didn't know more. Things like that shouldn't be published.

Now that I've finished the book I can say I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was clean and engaging and I always looked forward to my reading time. I'd recommend it to anyone looking for an easy, fun read.

I want a different kind of year this year ...

I've decided to become a runner. I know. What's happened to me? I've never liked to run because of the muscle disorder I've had since I was little. Running just always hurt me. But now I think one of two things could happen, both of which I can deal with. One, my muscles continue to hurt when I run. Two, I find out I can condition them not to hurt when I run. Either way I'll be okay. So why not?

I went to www.runnersworld.com for some guidance. I found a little smart coach feature that will custom fit a schedule for your particular fitness level and motivation. By the end of the year I want to run a half marathon. I've looked around and can't find an official run in the Bay Area around Christmas time, so it might just be a route I make up and have my family cheering for me at the end. :)

There are so many motivations for being healthy, thin, or whatever else our goals might be. I don't just want ot be cuter (although that will be great). I don't just want to be more confident. I don't just want to prove to myself I can do something really, really hard. I want to bring my body and spirit into a kind of harmony they've never experienced before. I want my spirit to make the decisions and my body to glorify them. Does that make sense? I want my entire soul to be healthy.

So here goes ... something!

Birthday Goals!

I made a goal to read one Bible-centered non-fiction book a month this year. I'm starting with Misquoting Jesus by Bart Ehrman. Actually, here's the list of a few I want to get through this year. And I'm only doing one a month so I can read it thoroughly and mark up my scriptures accordingly. I'm really struggling with a method to record/organize all the things I'll be learning. It's hard for a perfectionist like me to get going sometimes. It's rather irritating. :)

• Misquoting Jesus, Bart D. Ehrman
• Women of the Old Testament, Camille Fronk Olson
• The Hidden Christ, James L. Farrell
• Adam Eve and the Serpent, Elaine Pagels
• Jesus Christ and the World of the New Testament, Richard Neitzel Holzapfel

Those are the ones I'll be reading for sure, and there are many others to choose between. I just want so badly to understand the culture and world of the Bible. I think I'm going to restrict my fiction to biblical fiction as well. Thank goodness for libraries! :)

Birthday Goals

It's that time again:

BODY

1. 1200 calories a day
2. 100 ounces of water
3. very little sugar
4. no eating after 9 pm on worknights, 6 pm on weekends
5. daily walks/jogs (with Chiara?)

MIND

1. one fun book a week (roughly)
2. one non-fiction book a month
3. at least 4 journal entries a week
4. WRITE something once a week
5. scrapbook on Saturdays

SPIRIT

1. one hour of scripture study daily
2. lessons once a week (on topics of choice)
3. prayer on knees alone and with Eldon
4. one act of service a week (daily for Eldon, of course)
5. hold Chiara more ... play with her!

Wizard's Castle, Diana Wynne Jones

I love children's lit. I love magic and fantasy. Sophie has won my heart with her spunk and her compassion. I worry that she's a little bit of a rebellious example, but I'm sure she'll redeem herself in the end. We'll see ...

I'm guessing the falls in love with Howl. Or, perhaps I should say that he falls in love with her.

I was right. They realize they're meant for each other on the last page. :) What a cute little story. A bit confusing at times, but definitely a great read for kids. I'm excited to read this aloud!

Grabbing bees and the nature of God

I'm amazed at what Chiara teaches me. This afternoon I was getting into my parents' van after a little trip to Shopko to get some dorm stuff for Shauna. As I was putting Chiara back into her car seat I saw that there was a bee in the van. Let me just tell you, I hate bees. I hate anything smaller than a hummingbird that flies. Especially if they sting. But as I stood there in full mommy mode my reaction to seeing the bee flying near my baby was to reach out and grab it so it couldn't hurt Chiara. My protection reflex was so much stronger than my self-preservation reflex that I have been thinking about it for the last ... eight hours or so.

This experience made me think of the Atonement. I know it sounds a little corny/bad testimony meeting-ish, but I was overwhelmed with gratitude for a God and a Savior who love me enough to protect me from the painful consequences of sin despite the tremendous personal cost to themselves. I know the parallel is seriously skewed, but I was deeply moved by my imaginings of how I would react if Chiara thanked me for what I did. I imagine God's reaction would be similar (in a much more perfect, holy way of course). Something like, "Oh, my daughter, of course I did it. I love you."

Please forgive the comparison. I just love how much Chiara teaches me about the nature of God. It changes me forever.

Humbly sinful

Brother Farrell offers some thought-provoking insight into the process of self-justification. He says that because our innate attributes are godly - full of light and truth -- we feel a subconscious need to distort our reality in an effort to retain our claim on some of that goodness within us. We want to be righteous, we want to be good, so we reason with our sins and offer excuses for our behavior that deflect blame. His example is Adam and Eve's reaction to the Lord's discovery of their choice to eat the forbidden fruit. They both blamed another. Farrell says we do the same thing in our lives, and it's that denial of responsibility that creates a hardness in our hearts that doesn't feel a need for a Savior to forgive us. If we don't see ourselves as guilty we don't see Him as a necessary figure in our salvation. What an incredible idea. "Losing sight of our sinfulness, we lose sight of our need for the One who has come to heal the sinner" (23). It's the beginning of turning our hearts away from Him, serving another master, and forgetting who we truly are.

Good Poem

Overnight
by Pat Schneider

The day your son calls you on the telephone
and is no more your boy, you know
he is someone else's man.
Hi, Mom! he calls across a chasm.
You guess the joy that carved it,
and you cry, Hello!

She will be the bridge, now,
between you and your son.
Overnight he has become shy with you.
Now that he knows her secret
he has guessed your own, guessed
the journeys that his father made
to fetch a son from darkness
on the other side of utter letting go.

Hello, you say, and suddenly remember
how in the fourth grade he brought a pigeon home.
How, as if it were an ordinary coming home,
he opened the front door, walked in and called,
Hi, Mom! How his eyes were pleading,
with love, like pinions, feathering the air.

Funny Poem

Nonsense Song
by W. H. Auden

My love is like a red red rose
Or concerts for the blind,
She's like a mutton-chop before
And a rifle-range behind.

Her hair is like a looking-glass,
Her brow is like a bog,
Her eyes are like a flock of sheep
Seen through a London fog.

Her nose is like an Irish jig,
Her mouth is like a 'bus,
Her chin is like a bowl of soup
Shared between all of us.

Her form divine is like a map
Of the United States,
Her foot is like a motor-car
Without its number-plates.

No steeple-jack shall part us now
Nor fireman in a frock;
True love could sink a Channel boat
Or knit a baby's sock.

Inspirational Quotes: Obedience

"The youth of this generation [1997] have a greater capacity for obedience than any previous generation." - Elder Neal A. Maxwell

"God has reserved spirits for this dispensation who have the courage and determination to face the world, and all the powers of the evil one, visible and invisible, to proclaim the Gospel, and maintain the truth, and establish and build up the Zion of our God, fearless of all consequences. He has sent these spirits in this generation to lay the foundation of Zion never more to be overthrown, and to raise up a seed that will be righteous, and that will honor God, and honor him supremely, and be obedient to him under all circumstances.” -President George Q. Cannon

Inspirational Quote: Body

"Our spirit and our body are combined in such a way that out body becomes an instrument of our mind and the foundation of our character." - President Boyd K. Packer

Responding to previous quote: "Thus, our relationships with other people, our capacity to recognize and act in accordance with truth, and our ability to obey the principles and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ are amplified through our physical bodies. In the classroom of mortality, we experience tenderness, love, kindness, happiness, sorrow, diappointment, pain, and even the challenges of physical limitations in ways that prepare us for eternity. Simply stated, there are lessons we must learn and experiences we must have, as the scriptures describe, 'according to the flesh' (1 Ne. 19:6; Alma 7:12-13)." - Elder David A. Bednar

"A truth that really is and always will be is that the body and the spirit constitute our reality and identity." - Elder David A. Bednar

Sometimes the choices I allow myself to make place my body and my spirit in opposition. That should never be the case. The body should be a willing, equal partner with the spirit in demonstrating the true personality and loyalty of man.

Inspirational Quote: Obedience

"The moment we revolt at anything which comes from God, the devil takes power." -Joseph Smith, Jr.

Goals Update

I've been doing great at the following goals:

• journaling


• being gentle


• forgiving Sharon (which is a true miracle from heaven)


• taking pictures


• enjoying my moments


• getting out of the house


• doing hair and makeup more often (not daily, but it's getting better)


• spending less money


• scripture study / prayer

I think I'm ready to commit to a schedule. Here's my attempt. I can't plan exact times, but I can divide my day into predictable segments. :)

1. Awake (9:00am) -- clean outfit, walk outside


2. Naptime (10:30am) -- SLEEP!


3. Awake (12:00pm) -- project while Chiara watches/has alone time


4. Naptime (2:00pm) -- SLEEP!


5. Awake (4:00pm) -- playtime, make dinner


6. Naptime (6:00pm) -- eat, sleep?


7. Awake (8:00pm) -- playtime with Daddy!


8. Bedtime (9:30pm) -- off to work (where I'll read my scriptures and write in my journals)

So, I'll see if that works. I just need to feel like I'm accomplishing something during the day besides cleaning and cooking and just surviving. And I desperately want to lose weight, so the walking outside is a feeble attempt toward that end. Vediamo...

The Holy Secret, James L. Ferrell

LOVED this book! Oh my goodness, it has changed the way I make decisions. I've become a much more gentle wife and mother because I choose the thoughts and behaviors that bring me closer to having a holy lifestyle. I put in a movie the other day and watched about the first three minutes (it may have been less) and popped it right back out again. I just couldn't risk seeing something that would make the Spirit leave me ... and I loved it.

Brother Ferrell talks a lot about loving the holy things in our lives, like the scriptures, the Sabbath, and the temple. Michelle Esplin is receiving her Endowment soon and I'm so excited to be there for that. I was honored that she invited me to the sealing as well, and I can hardly wait. I just want to surround myself with light all the time, every day. That which is light cleaveth to light ... and when my desires are for the light I feel like my own light is growing. I haven't felt this much peace in months.

Currently Reading: #1

I'm reading a great book right now called The Holy Secret by James Farrell. It makes me yearn to bring out the best in myself and my life and let God make me holy. I've become a more gentle wife and mother as I've pondered how sacred those roles are. My hope is that I can develop the kind of relationship with the scriptures the character Al has, and that in doing so I'll become more familiar with Heavenly Father's voice. I would recommend this book to anyone. I've also read The Peacegiver and I loved that one too.


I would love to write these kind of inspirational books someday. I'm so grateful that my mind processes the things I learn from the scriptures in such a way that I'm able to make so many connections and learn so many more things as a result. It served me well on my mission and as a teacher (not to mention just as a person) because I was blessed to be able to communicate the things I felt and read to others. I feel I should express my gratitude for this particular gift by pursuing it further. I need to organize myself and my study so I can write!

Inspirational Quotes: Choice

A sun that shines and a rain which falls equally on the evil and on the good, are essential to morality in a being free like man. -Walter Bagehot (Works of Walter Bagehot, 2:313)

Funny Poem

Terms of Endearment
by Sue Ellen Thompson

Sweet biscuit of my life,
I've been thinking of your smile
and how I'd steal a little bite
of it if you were here; of the delights

I've known in the alleyway between
the whitewashed storefronts of your teeth;
of how I've pressed one smithereen
after another of mille-feuille, mousseline

of late-night conversation upon your lips,
forever poised at the brink of kissdom,
their slightest sigh enough to lift
a tableskirt. Perfectest pumpkin

in the patch, your heft on mine
is what I crave, your brows so fine
I could not carve them with a steak knife.
You have the acorn eyes

of the football season, the [figure]
of an autumn afternoon, of boys en masse
in soccer shorts. Yours is the vast
contained candescence of a Titian under glass,

it is the gold leaf laid
by February sun, the lemonade's
pale wash in August. Should you fade,
like sun on windowsills crocheted

with shadow, then suddenly gone dark,
your face will leave its watermark
upon this page, which is already part
of love's confection, our little work of art.

Study: Gentle

"Thy gentleness hath made me great" 2 Samuel 22:36

showing meekness, speaking evil of no man, apt to teach, patient, servant of the Lord,

• 2 Tim. 2:24 -- be gentle unto all men ... If we profess to be the servants of Christ, if we love Him as we say we do, if we remember Him as we've covenanted to do, we'll treat others with gentleness. I think it's a natural consequence of how true discipleship changes our hearts.
• James 3:17 -- I've been thinking about how and why the wisdom from above is gentle ... I think it's probably just because that's the only way it could be. It's the only thing that fits. Wisdom wouldn't be as wise if it didn't come gently.
• D&C 121:41 -- No power or influence should come without gentleness. I need to remember that in my mothering. I don't want my children to ever hear me raise my voice at them or treat them roughly. And I'm so grateful to have a husband who uses his priesthood gently. What a blessing that is to our home.

Change

I desperately need to change. I'm careening out of control and it makes me so unhappy I could just give up. Here are the things I'm going to change (this journal entry will serve me as a kind of contract with myself to hold me accountable):

1. no more sugar
2. healthy eating so Chiara has good milk
3. daily exercise - even if it's just a long walk because I'm sore from the day before
4. daily scripture study / personal prayer on my knees
5. vitamins
6. LOTS of water
7. no more spending money Eldon doesn't know about
8. self-validation
9. journal writing - even if I'm unhappy
10. forgive Sharon
11. stop taking my frustration out on Eldon (even though he never knows I do)
12. be more grateful
13. use planner to waste less time
14. find ways to continue my education
15. get out of the house every day (not just for work)
16. do hair and makeup every day just for me
17. fulfill my callings well
18. be gentle
19. watch my tongue
20. enjoy my moments and take pictures of them!

That's a huge list ... and I may have to take baby steps with it. But the ones I've put in bold are effective immediately. I just can't live like this anymore.

1 Nephi 14

• 1 Nephi 14:1 -- I've definitely felt Him manifest Himself to me through the taking away of my stumbing blocks in recent days. When our hearts are changing that is His work ... not ours. We allow it to happen, but it's His doing - not ours. He's the only One who can bring about such miraculous character growth as increased patience, faith and hope. I've felt all those things in the last week, and I'm so grateful I can't even express it. He's the architect of my heart ... and that's reassuring.
• 1 Nephi 14:2 -- Part of the elation of repentance is the feeling of being liberated from that emotional captivity that makes us doubt ourselves and our worthiness to stand in the presence of God. Spiritual confidence is truly a gift.

Change of heart

Today was a hard day. Chiara was crying more than usual and it was heartbreaking for me to feel like I couldn't soothe her. I spiraled downward from being mildly sad in the morning to crying big, wretched tears on my way to work at 10:00pm. The worst part was knowing that my anger was directed heavenward. I just felt like Heavenly Father was bursting all my motherhood bubbles. Labor and delivery was terrible, my recovery was terrible, Chiara's birth complications were terrible, her acid reflux has been terrible, our hospital bills are terrible which means I had to go back to work as soon as I healed - which is terrible ... I just felt like this has been practically as hard as it could be. I've just been so tired and worn out, it didn't seem like I was being a good enough mommy, as if that's why Chiara cried all the time. Eldon has been so swamped with all his MCAT practice and studying and applications and shadowing/volunteering hours that I've felt very alone in all my distress as well, which is unfair to him because he does SO much to help me. He's constantly cleaning or doing laundry or taking care of Chiara if I need to rest while he's home. I don't know how to articulate my reasons for feeling overwhelmed, all I can say is that my life seemed dark to me and I yearned for light.

Tonight Chiara was screaming and wouldn't let herself fall asleep. I rocked her in the rocking chair while tears ran down my face. It's so hard for me when she cries like that. I just knew that I couldn't go to work if she hadn't calmed down yet. As I held her and watched her eyes slowly close and her crying subside to gentle little sighs I looked up and Eldon was watching me with a look of such sincere love and concern I had to look away. Isn't it interesting how we can resist love when we need it most? After several more minutes I kissed Chiara's little cheek and laid her in her crib. Eldon was standing behind me and as I turned around he took me in his arms and just held me. "I love you so much, Honey." he whispered.

We went into the kitchen to pack my bag for work (with everything I needed to pump during my 15-minute break) and I expressed my frustration. I admitted to feeling angry with God and hurt that my dreams of motherhood were so overwhelming in reality. He told me there were some articles in the Ensign I would probably like to read at work. But I didn't want to. At the door we bowed our heads and he offered the most supportive, loving prayer for me. To hear him ask the Lord to bless me with all the things I'd told him I was struggling with was so tender for me. I felt my heart soften and when I said amen I was filled with hope for the first time in days. Then he kissed me in a way that gave me goosebumps. I love when he does that. "Do you want to take the Ensign?" he asked. I nodded. I even went to the desk and picked up my scriptures. What a difference his love makes to me in my life.

My bad!

Oh my goodness ... I thought today was Saturday (it's Friday) and I was mad at Eldon all day for leaving me home alone on our only day we get to be together. :) I wrote the full story on our blog. I'll copy it here:

So MAD at him!
Today is Monday, which means yesterday was Sunday and the day before that was Saturday. However, all my days are pretty much the same so on Friday I became confused. I thought it was Saturday. Poor Eldon.

The confusion started on Thursday night when Eldon kissed me goodnight at 11:00pm while I was still feeding Chiara. It kind of ticked me off. I was thinking it was Friday night. Okay, Honey, it was fun playing house with you for a couple hours but why don't you go to sleep now and I'll just stay up with her like I ALWAYS do. Those were my thoughts ... not nice.

So the next morning the alarm goes off, which is odd, but Eldon had told me he was going to take one of his tests today so I figured he was going to do that before his volunteer work at 10:00am. Again, a little odd because he's not such a fan of the morning hours, but whatever. I was still ticked off from the night before (I'd gotten progressively madder at each nighttime feeding, so by morning I was full out angry ... I'd even put a pillow in between us lest he try to put his arm around me or something) so when I heard him get up I just stayed in bed. Then when he kissed my cheek goodbye I completely ignored him. He left and I just laid there fuming.(I have to defend myself for just one minute here. I'm not usually like this. I hardly ever get mad, and I think this is the first time in our entire marriage I've ever behaved this way. But I'd had several long nights in a row, Chiara had been cranky, I was exhausted, and my patience had been well spent. Okay ... moving on.)

I expected him home just after 12:00pm because that's when his shift gets over at the battered women's shelter where he volunteers. 12:30pm comes around and he's not home. 1:00pm comes and goes without any word. It's after 2:00pm and I'm livid. Can you imagine how I've been working myself up all this time as my daughter demands my attention and I'm spending "Saturday" alone like every other day of the week? Doesn't he know I wait all week for Saturday to spend time with him? Doesn't he know this is my only day when I'm not alone in the house all day? Doesn't he know he should at least call me to let me know his plan so I don't worry?? Suddenly my phone rings. It's him. I roll my eyes and answer.

"Hi." I say.
"Hey, how are you?"
"Fine. How are you?"
"Good. How's your day been?"
"Okay. What have YOU been doing all day?"
"I'm just studying. I think I'm going to try to take my test before work. I should be home around 7:15."
"Okay."
pause
"How's my girl?" he asks. That's nice of him, I think to myself sarcastically.
"She's fine. She's been a little fussy, but she just woke up from a good nap."
"That's good. Well, I love you, Honey, it's good to talk to you."
"I love you too."
"I'll see you in a few hours."
"Okay," I answer.
"Bye."
"Bye."

I close the phone and tears start streaming down my face. Seven? He's getting home at seven? I really am going to be here alone all day! I hug Chiara and just cry. I love spending time with her I just like when we're all home together as a family. It gets a little lonely.To my credit (ha ha) I'm not nearly as mad by the time seven comes around. I've made him a big dinner and it's hot right when he walks through the door. I walk over to give him a hug, silently congratulating myself for being so forgiving. :)

I just start right in mid-hug.

"I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye to you this morning."
"Yeah, you were pretty tired."
"Actually, I ignored you."
Eldon pulls out of the hug, smiling. "Really?"
"Yeah, I was mad at you for going to bed last night and leaving me to take care of Chiara by myself."
"I'm sorry, I waited for you."
"Whatever, you were sleeping by the time I came to bed."
"I'm sorry, Honey." he says in that sweet voice that lets me know he means it.
"I'm sorry too." I kiss him on the cheek and walk into the kitchen. "You must be starving, have you eaten anything all day?"
"Well, yeah, it's free lunch Friday." I turn to him with a spatula in my hand.
"But it's Saturday." I say. Eldon just looks at me with that face he does when he's trying to be nice but he really wants to laugh.
"Shell, I've been in class all day. It's Friday."

Oh my gosh. Suddenly I see the past 30 hours flash before my eyes. That means last night was Thursday night and he'd stayed up longer with me because Chiara was being fussy and not going to bed by 10:00pm like usual. That means this morning was Friday morning and he left at 7:30am for class. That means he called this afternoon just to say hi because I told him that I like when he does that. That means he took his test before work so he could get home by 7:15pm like normal. That means I'm a total jerk!!

"Oh, Honey," I said, wiping my hands off so I could hug him again. "I've been mad at you all day thinking it was Saturday and you just left me! I'm so sorry!"

We're both laughing at this point. He was laughing a little harder than I was. "I thought you sounded a little miffed on the phone. I'm so sorry you were mad." He just hugs me, and then as an afterthought he added, "This is not my fault!"

We laughed about that all night, and we've been telling the story to friends and family all weekend. "What a patient man I am!" Eldon says. He's right. :) But it was pretty funny.

New day

Today was a great day. I'm reaching my goals, feeling the Spirit, and relishing in the time I have with my daughter. It's hard to think that each day she's on her way to become a new more grown-up version of herself. I just want to hold her tiny little body in my arms for as long as I can. I'll miss these days ... I love them so much.

I love Conference

Craig, Savannah and Avery came over today between sessions to have lunch with us. It was so fun to have company again ... it's been just the three of us for such a long time.

I forgot to mention this yesterday, but Eldon took over 100% of Friday night's feeding and soothing baby sessions. So I literally stayed in bed all night and he did everything. My goodness I loved him for that. It isn't that Chiara is a burden or that taking care of her is an irritant ... I'm just so tired. It's hard to do it all when I'm healing so slowly. If I weren't in pain all the time it would be a lot simpler and easier. Anyway, I'm grateful for a selfless husband. His first sentence the next morning was, "That's exhausting." We laughed ... What can you do?

Lesson from Conference

The lesson, or maybe the answer I thought I didn't need, that I got from Conference was to simplify my life so I have time to nurture my spirit. I need to make time to study and pray like I once did. I need to get my hunger back.

Tears

Oh, today was a hard hard day. I'm crying, Chiara's crying, and I just want both of us to fall asleep and stay that way until we can wake up to a better life. I'd wanted to prepare a question to be answered during conference but I don't feel like I need answers ... I just need peace.

We live in an age od materialism, a materialism which has enthroned worldy things and ... that has even cast a shadow over our spirituality. --J. Reuben clark

Making peace

Eldon went to pick up my final project for the cowboy class I took last semester. I wrote all about my pain from years of Esplin family drama and coming to see things differently after reading all those cowboy books. I don't know what to do with it. But I'm going to send Grandma and Grandpa some pictures of Chiara. I need to let go of my anger. So I will. It's a waste of time to avoid doing the right thing ... Better to just square your shoulders and get it over with. :) Maybe I'll like it ...

After writing the above I went to check on Chiara. It's 8:30pm and the only sounds in our apartment are the drying cycle of the dishwasher and her cute little sleepy noises. When I looked down at my baby lying so peacefully in her crib I was absolutely overwhelmed with love for her. I love being a mommy. My goodness ...

Praying on my knees

I prayed on my knees for the first time in months today. Once I got to a certain point in my pregnancy it was just too painful, and then after Chiara was born I've been dealing with a new kind of pain. But tonight it felt good to kneel beside my husband and speak to God. we always pray in Italian too ... It's a good time of day.

This has been a period of a lot of changes for me, now that I think about it. last night at around midnight Chiara was crying and I didn't know what to do to console her. I was lying in bed, hearing her fuss, and the thought came to me that I should start wearing my garments again. With the complicated delivery I received a lot of stitches, and it's been a slow healing process. I have ointments and sprays and medicated patches to use, and when I wore my garments not only did they get terribly stained, but I didn't feel like my body received enough air. Sometimes I wished I could just go around the house naked -- it was so painful. So I received the prompting, and recognizing the source I resolved to start again in the morning. "No, now." I felt the voice say."But," I argued. "It won't matter to me if I wait until morning." I'd had a long day and I was not anxious to get back out of bed ... again. "It will matter to her." I thought I felt the voice tell me. Confused, but unable to to shake the feeling, I got out of bed, grabbed a pair of garments from my drawer, and made my way groggily to the bathroom, Chiara's soft cries ringing in my ears.

I don't mean to be dramatic, nor is it my intent to downplay what happened. All I know is that as soon as I'd put my garments on Chiara stopped crying. I was amazed. I'd even had the thought on my way to the bathroom, "What, will she just fall asleep as soon as I put these on?" But she did.

I've thought a lot about what happened and this is my conclusion: I'd felt the promptings to wear my garments many times in the last few weeks. But I seemed to always to find a justification not to listen. But as soon as He used Chiara as an incentive it got my attention enough for me to change. I think Father does that sometimes ... He takes your heart to a hard, lonely place to help you listen, to hear, and to repent. Even if that's not true for anyone else it was true for me last night. I'll never forget it.

Writing

Why don't I write?? I'm sitting here listening to the endearing little grunts and sighs of Chiara's sleep and wondering why I never make time to do what I long to do -- write children's stories. I'm terrible at it, but I'll never get better if I'm willing to be terrible for a while. :) That's really hard for me ... I hate to do things poorly. I think I can find time for a 15-minute free-write every day. maybe I'll start a blog for it. Tomorrow is a new month ... maybe I'll make a new beginning.

Also, I just ate 5 oreos. It was a moment of absolute weakness.

Remembering a NICU moment

Something happened in the hospital that I wanted to write here. When Chiara was breathing better and the nurses and doctors felt she'd be okay without the oxygen machine they wanted me to start nursing her. It was hard in such a setting, but there was no other way. She needed to drink 200ml within every 12-hour period in order to have her feeding tube removed, gain weight and come home with us. Some nights I'd just cry because I couldn't make her drink more than just a few ml each time and it seemed like she'd never be able to come home. I'd stare at our empty crib and pray for help and strength. One particular night I wept as I told Heavenly Father that all I wanted was for her to come hom, but I couldn't make her nurse. She had to do it on her own and I felt helpless. In that moment of grief my mind became a little clearer and I felt Him say to me, "I know, Shelli. I know how it feels to yearn for a child to come home and be unable to make their choices for them. That aspect of parenting does not belong solely to mortality ... You will feel it here too." I opened my eyes in awe and surprise and suddenly I was grateful for this trial and for the lesson it taught me about the nature of God. I'd not thought before how painful His life must be sometimes. I resolved not to hurt Him by my own wrong choices but to bring Him as much joy through my own willful obedience as I possibly could.

Staying home from church

Eldon went to church alone again today. It's so strange not to be able to attend with him. The doctor doesn't want Chiara to go to church at least until June when RSV season is over ... So we stay home. When I feel better (like, when I can sit for longer than 20 minutes without being miserable) I'll go and Eldon will stay home with her. But for nowthis apartment is my world. It's getting lonlier for me.

I love Saturdays

Eldon is home on Saturdays. Well, for a few hours anyway.

Poor Eldon

He's so busy. I send him out the door at 7:30pm and watch the clock until 7:30pm when he finally comes back through it. PLus on Saturdays he volunteers at the Battered Women's Shelter and in the Emergency Room at the Provo Hospital. He works as a TA for organic chemistry and biology, has 15 credit hours, and spends the rest of his time preparing for the MCAT. How I love and appreciate him. His schedule is what kept him from being with me in the hospital. I felt angry about that at first, but I know he was doing his duty out of love for our family. It was hard for both of us.

You know ... every time I'm irritated with Eldon I just have to think about it for three seconds to realize I shouldn't be. He is all a girl could hope for. Usually when I'm mad at him we're apart and I'm analyzing what he said or did that I didn't like. But seeing him again and hearing his sweet voice again melts me and all my anger dissipates. I don't know who's more to thank - Eldon for being wonderful of God for softening my heart. :) Either way, I'm grateful for peace.

My joy

Chiara is my joy. Mothering is HARD! I can't believe how time-consuming she is. :) I'm trying to finish my Biology 100 class and my Statistics 221 class so I can graduate and it's surprising how little time I have to study. Wow ... not a good plan!

My baby is one month old!

Chiara is a month old today ... and I've decided that merited a change in me. It's funny how the Spirit works, and I'm finally responding to His prompting to be a record keeping woman.

I've had quite a spiritual journey during the last month. When Chiara had so many complications I honestly wondered if I'd been wrong about the nature of God. How could He possibly take my new mommy moments from me and make it a nightmare? I'd obeyed Him and worshipped Him and testified of Him all my life ... and He took away the joy I'd been imagining and anticipating for so many years. I had a really hard time not being angry. It was scary how clearly I felt my heart hardening. I literally questioned my faith.

I learned to breastfeed hiding behind plastic dividers in the NICU. I waited two days to hold her after she was born. I cried alone in my hospital room with every new report from the doctors without Eldon ... facial paralysis, skull fractures, internal bleeding, lung trauma, blood issues ... so many things. I came back to the hospital every three hours to nurse her - hoping Chiara's nurses would say she'd eaten enough to stop feeding her through a tube. I watched her in her little crib from my wheelchair because I was too weak to stand. She was attached to about a dozen monitors and looked so small and helpless there, bundled up under her heating lamp. Those were the hardest days of my life, I think. I was exhausted, I had complications from the epidural that kept me in constant pain, and of course I was worried about my baby.

But the Lord's ways are not our ways and we can always trust that He knows better than we do. I learned an immense amount of trust in Him this month. In the end I'm grateful.

One Month Old

My baby is a month old today, and my heart is so full I almost can't bear it. I have learned more about myself and about the nature of God in the last few weeks than I will ever be able to record here. But for the sake of my children, let me attempt to write some of the most needful things.

Chiara's birth came at a very high cost - emotionally, spiritually and financially. I was surprised by how scarred my faith became with this trial. As I sat in the hospital yearning to see my child but unable to do so, racked with the most pain I'd ever felt, and feeling utterly alone without my husband, I became angry with God. I never thought I'd falter in that way. The only other times I've ever been tempted to feel anger toward Him were when I was young and my muscles were hurting so badly I could hardly bear it, and when Grandpa Lowder died leaving me without the only grandpa I had who loved me. But I was able to squelch it then ... not so this time.

I'd been watching cousins and friends have babies without complications for months and months. I'd been looking forward to being a mommy for so many years that my spirit almost couldn't contain all of my excitement. I'd been so faithful to the Lord and so diligent in keeping His commandments that I somehow felt safe from too much heartache. How foolish I was. I have since come to understand and accept that sometimes the Lord does, even in these days, require of us the greatest sacrifices possible. This last month He required of me all my imaginings of what my first moments, days, and weeks of being a mommy would be like.

I didn't take tearful pictures with my brand new baby like I always thought I would. I didn't laugh and kiss my husband with joy. When Chiara came there were so many complications I was only able to hold her for a stressful five seconds before she was wisked away for more testing and treatment. I lost too much blood to be able to visit her without fainting, so I was confined to my own hospital room without seeing her again for days. I'd had such trauma during the birth that I had dozens of stitches and I was in so much pain I could hardly move. Every day the doctors would bring me more terrible news about our daughter and what problems she was facing, and the strain of feeling so desperately helpless was outweighing whatever joy I might have felt in having a new child. And I felt, in my weakness, that the Lord had given me too much - that He had taken from me the very moments of happiness I'd longed for for so many years, and that it was too cruel. How could He do that? How could He require such a sacrifice from me when I'd been nothing but faithful to Him all my life?

Oh, children, please know that attitudes like that are dangerously destructive. I didn't want to pray. I read the Book of Mormon in the hospital, but only briefly ... I was too hardened to feel the spirit of the words. I was so very wrong. It took me weeks to find myself beneath all that sorrow and self pity, but when I did I repented of my faithlessness and turned my face to His light again. He has truly healed my heart. I hardly remember the feelings I felt then. I remember having them, but I cannot remember how they felt ... if that makes sense. I have my baby home now, and the joy of being her mommy fills every single minute of my days.

Maybe I love her more because of all we went through. I don't know, but I don't waste time speculating. I trust the Lord and His commands. What He required of me was difficult, but it was not too much. I survived. And my dedication to Him is reinforced because of my error. I don't mean to say we must sin in order to come closer to God. But I do believe in His mercy He makes such a thing possible to the truly repentant heart. I'm grateful to Him for His trust and His love. I hope He finds me worthy of more trials that will mold me and help me become the woman I need to become before I meet Him again. Next time I will be stronger.

I called her

This morning I called Eldon's mom just to talk. I've been thinking a lot about it and I realized that it's not okay for me to have such negative feelings towards her. It was a problem with me, not with her. So I've been praying for a change of heart and an ability to appreciate her. Over the last few days I've been having a feeling that I should call her. I know she's excited about her newest grandbaby and we really haven't talked to his family too much about it ... Mostly we talk to my family because it's the first on that side and my parents are a lot more exuberant about these things. :) I've put off calling with the excuse that it wouldn't be a good time, or whatever. But this morning the prompting came and I knew it was time. So I called, and we chatted easily for over 20 minutes. She told me that she'd been wanting to call me too, and I could tell it had meant a lot to her that I'd make the effort to contact her first. I really find myself loving her. I may not understand certain things, but I'm far too ready and willing to criticize than what is Christlike and acceptable. So I'm going to change that about myself.

Somewhere inside me is a sweet, soft-spoken woman who loves and forgives easily. I need to find her and let her take over my heart. I've been feeling that tug in my mind for a long time. I'm certain that if I will continue to pray and read my scriptures the Lord will be able to give me a new heart and change my attitude to be more fitting of the roles I will need to fill here. I'm so hopeful that He truly will help me ... and our family will greatly benefit from it.

Chiara on my mind...

I'm just thinking of Chiara and how it's going to be to finally hold her ... after all this time. I don't just mean after all these months of pregnancy, I mean after all these years of yearning to be a mother and wanting to have children almost more than I wanted anything else in my life. I was telling Eldon the other night that wanting to be a mother came so naturally to me growing up that I had to really focus my attention on becoming a woman who would be a good wife. I knew being a wife came first, and that it was the most important relationship in my life, but it took a little more conscious effort to pursue than the desire for children. I'm not sure why that is.

But as I sit here, 9 days from our due date, sore and huge, I'm just so grateful for the chance I have to be a mother. It's interesting that my absolute love and joy of being a wife to such a good man has increased my desire for children and added to my faith that raising them in this world is possible. I'd had such a limited view of what parenting would be before I got married. I am a different woman after this last year of marriage, and I'll be a different mother too. Being Eldon's wife has cast a glow on my mothering dream in a way I can't describe ... and won't describe. I just hope that my own daughters will find such a man to accompany them through parenthood. He's more than I ever imagined a husband could be for me.

Hearing the Voice of the Lord, Gerald N. Lund

Grandma gave us this book for our wedding (with a huge check) and I just read it. Elder Lund offered so many insights that were incredibly helpful for me. In my ignorance I'd wondered how you could write an entire book explaining how to receive personal revelation, but it held my attention the entire way through. He shares so many stories and quotes that make his points clear and powerful.

I put this book back on the shelf with a resolve to not only seek more personal revelation but also to exercise the faith it takes to act on what I receive. We will not receive promptings in addition to the ones we choose to consistently ignore.

I love my husband

I was pretty emotional this morning. Sometimes, with Eldon being gone so much, and then being unavailable when he is here, I feel so alone I almost can't bear it. I spend my whole day loving him and then it's easy to feel like there's not too much love coming back my direction because he's too busy to show it. Not that I don't understand that he's working so hard scholastically out of love for me and our future family, because I do, but it's not the kind of romantic affection that I need sometimes. Then this morning as I crocheted a blanket for Chiara I was thinking that when she comes I'll have two people in my life who I love all day and can't really love me back. I felt my loneliness increase just thinking about it and that made the tears come.

Eldon doesn't have class Thursday morning so he studies here for a couple hours before going to campus. So he was on the computer while I was having my little meltdown and I walked over to him and just asked him to hold me for a minute. He held me for a long time and when I pulled away there were fresh tears on my cheeks. I smiled and turned to walk back to the couch but he followed me and pulled me back into his arms.

"Are you lonely?" he asked me. All I could do was nod against his chest. He held me a little tighter and then led me over to the couch and pulled me close. I snuggled against him and just cried. He held me like that for a long, long time, and then he started kissing me. At first they were sweet and tender and then he became more passionate with me and my whole body responded to him. The way he was touching me was just heaven. I love how he loves me. Those moments of affection meant so much and I was walking on air for the rest of the day. How I appreciated him taking all that time away from his studies to make sure my needs were met. Sometimes I just need a bit of attention, and he tries so hard to be sensitive to that. I just love him with all my heart. And when we made love tonight it was spectacular. He is my favorite part of my life.

Worrying

I've never been too much of a worrier, but I've been agonizing over something recently that I can't get over. I really wonder if my husband is happy. He seems so melancholy to me these days - even more than usual. I worry that he's discontent, that his life isn't joyful, that his burdens are so heavy his spirit is dying and he's not saying anything about it to me. He's really not one to talk about his feelings or what's going on in his mind, which absolutely drives me crazy. :) I'm such an open book that it surprises me that it's not a natural inclination for everyone to share their whole heart and all its activities with their spouse. :) Sometimes I lie in bed at night and talk and talk and talk ... And then I catch myself and check first to see if he's still listening and second to see if I'm torturing him. :) But he always says, "I like listening, Shell." I do too ... I wish he'd give me something to listen to!

His life is literally filled to the brim with classes, work, volunteering, and MCAT preparation. I rarely see him for more than a few hours a day. Like four hours. One before he goes out the door and maybe three between him getting home and going to sleep. I know he hates it. But I worry that he can't still find joy somewhere. I feel like I'm kind of miserable too ... I'm achy and tired all the time, I spend my days alone cleaning my house, doing homework, and running errands - all of which are hard with my belly because I can't ever get comfortable - but I still find so much joy in my life! I wonder why Eldon doesn't seem to be able to do the same.

And then I think of his mother and I silently blame her (I honestly do) for raising Eldon to do his duty all the time without ever teaching him how to enjoy the journey. She doesn't seem like a happy woman to me, and when Eldon seems gloomy it reminds me of her. And then I get mad. I think one of the things I'm going to have to teach him myself is that if we have humble, grateful hearts and a willingness to try, we really can be happy - even during our hard times. It makes me so angry that his home wasn't a home of joy. It's like he doesn't even know what that feels like! Mine, on the other hand, was full of laughter and fun all the time. What a difference! And the mother sets the tone; so I'm going to have to make sure that's a priority for my home. I hope that mood will permeate my husband's and children's hearts and they can find joy here.

1 Nephi 7

• 1 Nephi 7:3 -- The sons of Lehi were commanded to go that distance that they might have covenant marriages. Think of the distances we are asked sometimes to go in these days. For some the distance is physical, but for many others it's a distance in time. So many wait years and years, refusing offers by those who cannot take them to the temple. Other distances are spiritual as young (and old) adults wade through tribulation and repentance in order to make their covenants. Anything, I think the verse means to teach us, is worth marrying in the temple. I don't think we even begin to grasp the magnitude of those covenants in mortality.
• 1 Nephi 7:6-7 -- When times are hard, even after spiritual experiences and manifestations, it's tempting to want to go back, to give up. Sometimes we're so afraid of what the future might bring that we forget our faith - or abandon it. Think of all the beautiful experiences Laman and Lemuel and their families had had up to this point. We must remember those times in our lives and let them, and our faith-founded hope, give us courage and strength to endure to the end. Heavenly Father won't let us break ... we'll survive.
• 1 Nephi 7:12 -- I love Nephi's testimony here. The Lord is able to do all things according to His will ... And only those who trust Him find comfort in that truth. If we don't trust Him and His goodness, how will we find peace in His care? Obedience teaches us the nature of God, and what we learn will always yield more trust in His character. It's one more way in which we receive a witness after the trial of our faith.
• 1 Nephi 7:17-18 -- I've hard general authorities speak of these verses differently than what I'll write here, but how do we know what's right? I read this and see that even Nephi didn't have his prayer answered the way he'd imagined or wanted. He wanted to "burst" the bands that held him, but instead the Lord saw fit to simply loosen them. Maybe I read it that way because of my own pride, but I think that happens with me sometimes. I pray for something that might magnify myself, or bring glory to myself, and instead the Lord shows me it's His power that brings the miracle and doesn't seem to need my assistance. Does that make sense? Sometimes the Lord gives us the strength to make changes, and other times He lets us see Him do it for us.
  
• 1 Nephi 7:19 -- I don't know how they determined this, but the footnote clarifies that Nephi married the daughter who showed courage and pleaded for justice from Laman and Lemuel. She and her mother must have made quite an impact on them because they stopped seeking Nephi's life after that. I just think of what that teaches the youth ... We're given moments to prove ourselves, and we have to snatch them. Nephi wouldn't have been happy married to a woman who was not his spiritual equal. And the only way to become an equal to a man like that (or to become a man like that) is to accept every opportunity the Lord gives us to be strong and faithful. Lots of us shun the fight more often than we even realize. In essence, we leave the Potter's wheel for a bit. But if we want to become we have to stay there ... especially during the painful times.
• 1 Nephi 7:21 -- Oh to have a heart that could frankly forgive like this ... It's a depth of humility I can't imagine. Truly that kind of gift comes only from the Spirit.
  

Thinking of you, my baby...

You're getting to be a lot bigger and stronger these days, precious girl. I feel you move around all the time now, and it makes you and your personality so much more real to me. I've never been a mommy before, but I can't tell you how often I think and pray about who I'm going to be for you when you finally come.

There are some promises I know I can make you:

I'll never raise my voice to you. You'll only hear soft-spoken words from me.
I'll read you the scriptures every day you're in my home.
I'll love you unconditionally ... you can count on that.
I'll love your father unconditionally ... you can count on that too.
I'll do my best to stay close to Heavenly Father ... you can trust me in that.

Maybe you know now how much I love you ... maybe the veil is still thin enough for you to understand what is happening. But there will come a time when the veil is closed to you, and then it will be my privilege and responsibility not only to prove my devotion to you, but also to teach you all I've learned of what you've forgotten. I'm anxious for that, Chiara. I'll learn all I can for you.

Talking with Grandma

I called Grandma today. She's so cute, I just adore her. She's so funny about all her opinions and her advice. She wrote me a letter once when she (and all the rest of the family) were nervous about a guy I was dating when it seemed like we were getting a little too serious for their liking. It made me mad at first, but after thinking about it for a few days I realized what it was; just a sincere attempt to help me motivated by pure love. She's such a darling, and I don't know what I would have done without her influence while I was growing up.

1 Nephi 6

This whole chapter, though it's only six verses, gives us a model for how we should build our lives. We should not labor to become pleasing to the world, but to God and those who love Him. The fullness of our intent should be to reflect Him in all our actions and thoughts. That is what brings others to Him -- trusting His disciples.

On my mission who I was mattered more to the people I taught than anything else I said. Sometimes I felt scrutinized to the very smallest details of my life and character, but that is just as it needed to be. My investigators, members, and companions needed to be able to trust me. A life like Lehi describes here is the only way ... We must have an eye single to the Father's glory and do as He would do.

And like Lehi I'll do all I can to instruct my children to give their lives to God. But like always my example will teach much more loudly than any words Eldon and I can speak.

1 Nephi 5

• 1 Nephi 5:1-2 -- I love the significance of motherhood in these verses. The breaking point for Sariah wasn't leaving Jerusalem, or their possessions, or the luxury of not living in a tent. Sariah broke when she thought she'd lost her sons. That was when the sacrifice seemed too great and she couldn't help being angry with her God. But we see in 1 Nephi 5:8 that she understands her debt to Him, and in expressing her gratitude for her sons' safety Sariah renews her commitment to God. It seems she never faltered again.
• 1 Nephi 5:4 -- I think all revelation is meant to teach us something about the nature of God. If we listen, and pay attention, He's there ... waiting to be seen. When He commands us to "learn of [Him]" I'm sure He offers us ample opportunity. And if we can see His goodness like Lehi did our devotion can increase dramatically.
• 1 Nephi 5:9 -- I hope ours is a marriage like that; full of joint commitment, joy and sacrifice to the Lord. I see Lehi and Sariah holding hands and weeping together here ... beautiful.
• 1 Nephi 5:20 -- So far they'd kept the commandments of the Lord. I hope I can always say that. Either I'll obey with exactness initially or I'll repent and obey from then on. It's imperative that we make constant obedience our goal.
  

Debt

I've been thinking a lot about debt. I took out a loan for my car. I took out a loan for my last year of college. And now, those choices have come back to haunt me and make my husband miserable. Eldon hates being in debt. It is one of the hardest things of my whole life to know that if I'd just been more frugal, if I'd made different choices, it would be one less thing on his plate to worry over and stress about.

I'm going to teach my children the importance of saving money, of going without luxuries, and being wise stewards over their finances. Debt is not a sin, but if it's avoidable it should be avoided. I think people can be too extreme about this topic, but it is imperative to be responsible. It's to do with character, and priorities, and self-perception. And my kids are going to be taught much better than I was taught about it.

The car is back

Bryce took me to pick up our car today, finally. I've been without a car for an entire week and it's so hard! I hate being stranded. Sometimes I just need to get out of this little house. Not because I don't like it, I just need a change of scenery! It's not my favorite to be cooped up here all day every day. I have a lot to do here, so I'm always really busy, but I'm used to a much more frantic pace of living so it's just a strange adjustment.

In fact, it makes me wonder how I'm going to deal with staying home with Chiara all the time when she's too little and fragile to really go anywhere. Actually, I take that back because I'll LOVE being a mommy and plus my own mom will be here for a while to keep me company. That will be SO fun! I'm so excited. I just can't wait for Chiara to come!

Nesting!

I'm ready to start nesting. I just want to set up the crib, get everything all organized, put the carseat in the car, and just prepare for our little Chiara. It's such a strong desire, I just can hardly wait! The only reason I'm delaying is that Eldon and I decided to wait until after our baby shower to get everything. But that afternoon he and I are going to get everything we can think of to get ready for her. :) That will be a fun day. An expensive day, but a fun one nonetheless. :) I'd like to go to IKEA too and get something cheap to store her clothes and everything in, since we don't have anything like that. We use four plastic drawers for our own dresser, so that kind of shows how low we are on furniture. Oh, it's fun to be newly married and have so little! It really is!

Need for silence?

Sometimes I think I need a little more silence in my life. My music tastes have changed so much just in the last year ... I don't really listen to anything but classical stuff and instrumental. Oh, and John Mayer. He's my one worldly artist I still like. :) But even then most of my music-listening I do in the car, and when I'm home I usually put on a talk to listen to while I clean or fold laundry or whatever else I have to do. But sometimes I think I just need to have more silence in my life. There's nothing wrong with just thinking to myself in the quiet of my home. I'm going to do that more often, I think. Heavenly Father talks to me through my thoughts a lot - I should probably make myself more available for that instruction.

Good Quote

"Atlas was permitted the opinion that he was at liberty, if he wished, to drop the Earth and creep away; but this opinion was all that he was permitted."

Is it sometimes enough to imagine oneself to be free? What did the Savior believe when He was in the garden? Did He imagine Himself free to refuse to drink the bitter cup? It was true, certainly, that He was ... but sometimes I think our freedoms can be so selfish, and so unthinkable that they are almost imaginary. We're free to do many things we would never do.

Inside and outside sweats

I have two pairs of sweats - one for outside and one for inside. :) I was thinking about that and how funny it is in an embarrassing kind of way ... so of course I'm writing it here. My black ones I wear while I'm lounging around the house, and the gray ones I wear when I go outside for something. The reason there needs to be a distinction is the snow factor. When I'm outside I get my pants all wet on the bottom from all the slush and snow, and since I don't want to a) track that through my house and b) feel the cold fabric slap my ankle incessantly, I switch to the black ones once I'm through the door.

Although, I stayed inside all day today so there was no need to change pants. Maybe that's why I thought of it. I did the following things today (that I consider relatively out of the ordinary ... not things like "cooked dinner"):

1. cleaned the kitchen
2. baked bread
3. took 2 online quizzes for my IS classes
4. finished my Wordsworth assignment
5. talked to the insurance people RE the car
6. talked to nurse RE my letter to the gym canceling my membership
7. did laundry
8. wrote a blog about Eldon's computer victory
9. talked to Mom on the phone
10. finished the third Fablehaven book (that Bryce got me for my birthday 4 months ago)

It's been a great day. One of my favorite things about myself is my determination not to waste time. I am getting to be a fantastic time-manager, which is a talent that needs to be developed I think. I haven't always been good at it and it frustrated me to no end. However, I'm getting better and I'm quite pleased.

Good Poem

I wandered lonely as a cloud
William Wordsworth

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed---and gazed---but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

1 Nephi 4

• 1 Nephi 4:1 -- Nephi gets it. He sees that there is no need to fear a man like Laban when they are on the Lord's errand, who is mightier than all the earth. Let us be faithful to that Being.
• 1 Nephi 4:6 -- Sometimes life is like that. What a fantastic opportunity to show our faith and see the hand of the Lord in our lives.
• 1 Nephi 4:10 -- It occurred to me this last reading, I'm not sure why, that this may have been a personal goal of Nephi's. In such a violent time I'm sure he'd made a commitment never to shed the blood of another person. I don't know how that might change anything, but I do know that in my own life there have been times when I have to relinquish my hold on something I've wanted or desired to accommodate the demands of the Lord and His gospel. Even little things like personal goals are significant sacrifices on His alter ... and I'm sure He appreciates it.
• 1 Nephi 4:13 -- It's not good, but it's better. Sometimes that's the choice we have to make: a choice between two unappealing options that are both hard.
  
• 1 Nephi 4:25 -- Why bid Zoram to come with him? Why not just take off? I know they didn't want soldiers to pursue them, but at this point there was no need for Zoram to think anything amiss. It wasn't until he saw Nephi's brothers that he got scared. The Lord prompted Nephi to invite him because that was His plan. He had a daughter waiting for him and everything. Zoram was meant to join Lehi's family.

Chiara?

I'm starting to have second thoughts about the name Chiara. So many questions go through my head! It's a huge responsibility to name a child ... my goodness. Will she like her name? Will she wish it were simpler, more common, easier for people to pronounce? Will she look like a Chiara when we meet her? Will she really be a girl, or should we find a boy name too - just in case? :)

It's so funny to me (and to Eldon) that I vacillate about this name thing so much. At first we really liked Arianna, but we decided it was too much of a mouthful. I like the names Grace, Lacy, Hope, and a bunch more I've written somewhere and forget. :) Eldon is set on Chiara, though, and has already attached "Bee" to the end as a kind of pseudo nickname. He makes me laugh. Honestly, I hope our marriage continues just the way it is - on a gradual uphill slope of wonderfulness - because it would be so fun for kids to see their parents as happy together as we are. I just love him.

Words from Wordsworth

Here are a few favorite quotes I've come across in my readings for my British Literary History class. William has the best last name for a writer I think I've ever heard ... and his words are beautiful in their simplicity.

Poetry is the breath and finer spirit of all knowledge; it is the expression which is in the countenance of all science. -Preface to Lyrical Ballads

But poets to not write for poets alone, but for men. Unless, therefore we are advocates for that admiration which depends upon ignorance, and that pleasure which arises from supposed height, and, in order to excite rational sympathy, he must express himself as other men express themselves. -Preface to Lyrical Ballads

I love to think, and when there is a writer who says things so beautifully and clearly that are so worth saying I get little tingles of joy from it. The scriptures do that to me too sometimes, and I love to take apart the language looking for the truth beneath it. The best verses (or sentences) are the ones where no peeling is required - the words match the light beneath them. I hope to write like that someday. I should really just start writing.

The Peacegiver, James L. Ferrell

This is one of the best books I've ever read on gospel principles. It's a little lame in a corny-Mormon-book kind of way, but I learned SO much from it. The way Brother Ferrell uses scripture stories to illustrate the principles was truly incredible. I think it's perfect for even the least literary-minded Saint to read and comprehend enough to make serious changes in their lives. That's what we need, I think. So many people are anxious to write to impress, while he seems determined to write to teach. I loved it.

In fact, I hope to do something similar someday when that season of my life comes. It won't be before I graduate, and it probably won't be before Eldon's out of Med School, but I'm preparing myself to be able to communicate the truths I learn in my personal study. I feel compelled to do so.

The Peacegiver, James L. Ferrell

This is one of the best books I've ever read on gospel principles. It's a little lame in a corny-Mormon-book kind of way, but I learned SO much from it. The way Brother Ferrell uses scripture stories to illustrate the principles was truly incredible. I think it's perfect for even the least literary-minded Saint to read and comprehend enough to make serious changes in their lives. That's what we need, I think. So many people are anxious to write to impress, while he seems determined to write to teach. I loved it.

In fact, I hope to do something similar someday when that season of my life comes. It won't be before I graduate, and it probably won't be before Eldon's out of Med School, but I'm preparing myself to be able to communicate the truths I learn in my personal study. I feel compelled to do so.

Daughter Bear

Mom always jokes that whenever any of her kids is in trouble her "mother bear" side comes out. During our last few phone calls she's told me about some things she's dealing with, social problems that bring her pain, and I feel my "daughter bear" side coming out. I wish everyone could see her the way I do. I wish women were a little less critical. I wish she could be a little more confident in herself so she were less vulnerable to the kinds of hurtful comments she receives sometimes - even from her friends!

The frustrating thing is that I don't know how to help her. I even feel a little smothered because she calls so often ... maybe because ours is the best friendship she has. She's certainly my best friend. We always know we're safe with each other and that is a breath of fresh air sometimes when either of us is struggling.

It's all I can do to keep myself from writing scathing blogs that I know certain women who have hurt her will read. I did write one, and quickly deleted it and replaced it with a much kinder version of the same topic. It's just hard to see someone you love and appreciate so much be treated badly. And I know that next month when I become a mommy I'll begin my journey to really understand what that means. :) I'm so excited to feel that kind of love. I think it will change my relationship with God.